10 Ways to Begin Healing from An Emotionally Absent Mother

May 6, 2021May 7, 2021 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 4 Comments

Everyone has a mother.

Mother’s Day elevates the importance of this role and can be especially painful for anyone experiencing the death or absence of a mother in their life.

While cards are bought, flowers delivered and gifts given, there are those who grieve for something they do not feel or experience, or maybe never had-a bond with their mother.

Unrelatable

Those in loving close relationships with their mothers, especially within the same family, find it difficult to understand that the opposite can be true.

In fact, they may alienate, or be mad at, a sibling estranged from their mother. They cannot comprehend the hurt, secrecy and shame of being on the outside of the family unit and that collective bond. They may also feel the favoritism but not know how to change it. They can’t. No one can.

There is no grasp on the deep scars and hurt from being rejected by their shared mother.

It simply doesn’t mirror their own personal experience. Nor, does it fit the universal mother myth–that all mothers love their children.

Focus

Researchers have long studied parental absence, neglect and abandonment on the family dynamic. Considerable research also exists on what happens to a family structure when a mother dies, at any age.

For those whose mothers have died, solace may be found in reading Hope Edelman’s book of comfort, help and understanding when a mother dies- “Motherless Daughters.” Motherless Daughters | Hope Edelman

This piece focuses only on mother’s who are emotionally absent from their daughters’ lives, subsequent effects of that and ways to heal from the rejection.

It does not cover neglectful mothers who, themselves, were raised by loving, supportive mothers. This subject will be covered in a future post.

What is an Emotionally Absent Mother?

Definitions

Emotional Intelligence: Ability to use our feelings to inform our thoughts.

Emotionally Absent Mothers: Unaware and insensitive to emotional experience of their children.

Who is She?

Emotionally absent mothers are too busy, stressed out or self-absorbed to see who a daughter really is. This sort of mother doesn’t even realize being emotionally present is a critical role she should play.

Instead, she treats all of her children the same, never seeing each for their unique interests and characteristics.

She provides for the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter but emotional needs such as acceptance, validation and unconditional love aren’t given.

Feelings are never acknowledged or spoken about. And, if the daughter dares express an emotion or feeling, she may hear harsh responses from her mother like, “Get over yourself.” Or, “So and so has it much more difficult than you do,” and “Stop being so weak, needy and sensitive.”

In managing her daily family life, an emotionally absent mother may have neglected, or been absent from the lives of, her child(ren) whom she saw as stronger. She may not have even realized they still needed her to listen to and understand them.

At the time, it’s sort of a compliment to the “strong” child but it has lifelong emotional consequences.

Generational Absenteeism

Jasmine Lee Cori, author of The Emotionally Absent Mother, explains many of these mothers were severely unmothered themselves; therefore, they are emotionally underdeveloped and have no idea what a close healthy parent-child relationship looks like. The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed by Jasmin Lee Cori (goodreads.com)

In her book Running on Empty, Dr. Jonice Webb offers help in identifying feelings and suggests healthy ways for expressing emotions to those who were never taught this as children. Running On Empty By Dr. Jonice Webb | Dr. Jonice Webb

She shares that daughters of emotionally absent mothers often believe, and act, like their feelings don’t matter; therefore, “I don’t matter.” These daughters learn, at an early age, to bottle up, or stuff, their feelings and have no tools or experience to tap into them as an adult.

Dr. Webb writes, “When your emotions are blocked off, your body feels it. Something vital is missing. You sense this deeply, and it does not feel good. You are emotionally numb.”

Consequences

When feelings are discounted, we get discounted.

Many learn it’s not safe to share their inner world, so they numb themselves with alcohol, food, drugs and work to distract themselves from unwanted emotions. They put on a suit of emotionless armor every day so they are protected from hurt and rejection.
Daughters of emotionally absent mothers find it extremely challenging to build healthy adult relationships, especially with other females. There is a lack of trust and fear of abandonment. They become armored, wary and defensive. They feel too ashamed to share why they act and react like they do.
Not feeling seen, accepted and loved unconditionally results in daughters feeling unsure of themselves and doubting if they deserve to be valued for who they are.
There is consistent self-worth doubt and anxiety around internal issues. “Am I lovable?”
A longing to feel loved, which was denied as a child, often results in looking to form intense bonds quickly, which can scare off intimate partners who do not understand the origin of this needy behavior.
Many daughters feel like orphans. They fear abandonment and lack trust in others. She can’t reach out to the mother or her siblings for comfort and support. This may result in acceptance of loneliness and complete self-reliance in one’s life.

The emotional pain of rejection from either parent, or both, has considerable long-lasting effects on a child’s personality. Unlike physical pain, this pain is relived repeatedly for years.

It may show up in the child at any age with low self-esteem and high self-doubt feeling:

Anxiety
Insecurity
Numbness
Closed Off
Emptiness
Loneliness
Unlovable
Invisible
Misunderstood
Hostility

10 Ways to Begin Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother

Motherless daughters feel persistent grief for many years, some forever. But this loss peaks when the daughter experiences milestones in her own life where she’d benefit from mothering herself. Moments like child delivery, child rearing, health crises and marital challenges.

There are ways to heal from a mother’s emotional neglect through knowledge, understanding and action.

These include:

Her

Find a substitute mother role model. There are many excellent examples of emotionally available mothers, perhaps within one’s own extended family. Seek someone who is emotionally responsive, nurturing, unselfish and emotionally open. Make sure you can go to her with any emotion, not just the happy ones.
Practice acceptance and forgiveness. Understand your mother’s limitations. She may not have had the tools and experience to mother you based on her own history. Accepting this paucity will give you peace as you seek counsel and comfort from someone else. Avoid turning back to her for emotional support, which she is likely incapable of giving you. Find peace by letting go of the need for your mother’s validation. Stop waiting for her to admit she failed you and caused you suffering. Move forward.
Set realistic expectations. Quit waiting for your emotionally absent mother to take an interest in you and your life, or even to love you. People are consistent. She will act as a grandparent as she did as a parent. Don’t be disappointed when she has no curiosity about your children, her grandchildren, either. Don’t speak bad about her in front of your children. Instead, be fully present and show that change is possible without trying to change others.
Accept that your mother will favor, and be more comfortable with, your siblings who didn’t, and don’t, require her to be emotionally present. Be aware and okay with the fact that she may not want to spend time alone with you. She most likely knows that she lacks the ability to give you the intimacy you so desire and is very uncomfortable, perhaps even making herself sick, when you’re present.
Distance yourself from your mother and put limitations on your interactions by finding a way that honors you. For instance, a 30-minute call one time a month or visiting her only when others are present. Accept that your strong wish to have a close mother-daughter relationship will never happen. Be at peace and focus on your own career, family and life.

You

Approve of yourself. Make yourself a priority. Believe you are worthy of the effort to get to know yourself. Be okay with self-care. Give yourself permission to feel. Don’t deny your own feelings or be afraid to express them as you were taught as a child. Advocate for yourself as you would for your child. Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat healthy. Journal. Quiet your mind. Read. Meditate. Be present with yourself. Do your best. Forgive yourself.
Establish reciprocal friendships that are fun but yet deep and meaningful and where your feelings are heard, understood and valued. Learn to identify and express your needs and wants. Be patient. Accept that you are still in the process of learning what you want, more less asking for it.
Focus on your own family (or family of friends). If you have children, start a new pattern by being a safe place for your children’s emotions. Help them name the feeling and seek ways to deal with them. Listen. Be comfortable even with their uncomfortable feelings like anger, frustration, fear and sadness. Try to stay present and focus on the many blessings in your life, including your children, not the love and attention you missed from your mother.
Seek therapy with a professional trained in estrangement and abandonment. Or, talk to yourself by writing out your experiences and feelings to get clarification and contentment. Finding another woman with a similar experience to share your thoughts and feelings with is also helpful.
Work on building your confidence and self-esteem by setting goals, working hard to achieve them, and celebrating when you do. Your self-confidence will grow when you “impress yourself.” Become an authority on your own life.

As great spiritual teacher and life coach Iyanla Vanzant Home – Iyanla Vanzant | New York Times Best-Selling Author says, “You don’t get to tell people how to love you or how to love. You get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they are loving you.”

Finally, recognize that this journey of understanding and acceptance of an emotionally absent mother is not easy nor straight-lined. Be patient and kind to yourself, knowing you have value, are loved and deserving of inner peace.

Denise’s Insight

This subject matter is quite difficult because it is rarely spoken of and there are so many layers to it. It’s sort of taboo. Yet, it exists.

I’m not writing about it to be controversial. Rather, since it’s near Mother’s Day and we always have clients struggling with this issue, I wanted to share our perspective and experience with this touchy, very complicated, subject.

As you read the post, maybe you even thought to yourself, “Oh, my goodness! This is how I grew up.” Perhaps you even thought this was ‘normal.’

It isn’t. And, it becomes very challenging when an emotionally absent mother has declining health and the daughter feels obligated to care for her.

This is where Craft LifeStyle Management steps in with our 3+ decades of experience to assist in ensuring your mother receives the care she needs while protecting your soul as well. If you’re in need of help, contact us. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

On a personal note, when I grow up, I want to be just like my daughter, Summer, who has two children of her own.

I recently asked her if she learned to be such a great mother by watching me and learning what not to do. She responded with, “NO!”

Thank you for that, sweet Summer! Happy Mother’s Day to you!

It’s not a secret I personally grew up with an emotionally absent mother. We lost her to Alzheimer’s, starting 10 years prior to her death April 2020. The last six years she was here on earth but her mind was not. It truly was a blessing when she passed.

I understand this subject matter. I am here to support you!

More Information

How an Emotionally Absent Mother Impacts Her Daughter’s Life – WeHaveKids – Family

Rejection By This Parent Does Most Damage To Personality – PsyBlog (spring.org.uk)

Abandonment issues: Signs, symptoms, treatment, and more (medicalnewstoday.com)

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

Navigating Decades of Depression & Anxiety

February 15, 2016March 7, 2016 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Major depression is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States. (National Institute of Mental Health) More than 1 out of 20 Americans 12 years of age and older reported current depression in 2005–2006.(Pratt LA, Brody DJ. Depression in the United States household population, 2005–2006. NCHS Data Brief. 2008(7):1–8.)

Here One Brave Follower Shares Her Struggles With Anxiety & Depression. If you have a story you’d like to share, contact me. Linda

Childhood Illness Shakes Family of 8
I am the youngest of six children raised by a RN mother and draftsman father. At age eight, I suddenly became ill with three debilitating autoimmune disorders: Juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, scleroderma and Raynaud’s phenomenon. These diagnoses changed my life forever and disrupted our family dynamic. Today I know these factors are the root cause of my lifelong struggle with depression.
My mother was my lifeline and I developed an unnatural physical and emotional dependency on her to the detriment of my siblings. For example, my sister who is five years older than me had challenges with anxiety and demonstrated symptoms of hypochondria to get attention from our Mom. For many years, Mom and I left home every three months for three days at a time to get me non-traditional treatment at an osteopathic clinic. Thankfully I was able to keep up at school with the help of some amazing teachers.
I missed out on many events, both at school and at home. At family holiday gatherings, I was typically on the couch or in my room. I was spoiled and everyone knew it. We weren’t wealthy so soda pop and cookies were rare, but since I was underweight, my parents bought me any food I requested, hoping I’d eat it and gain weight. One of my brothers was observant enough to understand this and often asked me to request certain food for him. I did.
Because there were no identified treatments for my condition, I was left to battle the challenging symptoms and the accompanying barrage of viral and bacterial illnesses with the aid of my constant companion, my mother. Antibiotics worked for the bacterial infections, but I more frequently had viruses that couldn’t be treated. There were no pharmaceuticals at that time for my autoimmune conditions. There probably are today.
Junior High Challenges
I spent junior high with low self-esteem and a very small circle of friends because I’d become extremely self-conscious of my condition. While my health had improved by this time, my self-image was framed by the previous years of illness, residual health challenges and a telltale facial butterfly rash. I was isolated by the illnesses and only had friends when I wasn’t sick. I’d developed an unhealthy belief I was defective and unworthy. All of this was exacerbated by depression and anxiety challenges that I’ve since learned are associated with autoimmune disease. I was never able to physically participate in gym class activities from second grade forward and without participation I didn’t develop any skill and had physical limitations in my hands and elbows. I missed a lot of school, but kept up enough to get good grades. I was never diagnosed with depression because at this time depression and anxiety conditions were rarely discussed or treated, especially in children. It wasn’t until I was in college that a general practitioner treated me for anxiety. I was given medication I took when I felt I needed it. Even at this age, I continued to lean on my mother for support.
College Obsession for Perfection
In college I became obsessed with the one thing I thought I could control in my life – my grade point average (GPA). Achieving that meant I was good at something, but the resulting stress I placed on myself to get a 4.0 required my taking anti-anxiety medications. Unless I got 100% on all tests and papers, I felt I failed. I beat myself up for less than perfection. This causes depression. I studied a lot. I did date some, but studying and grades were my priorities and certainly there was no play before all studying was complete. I lived at home so I didn’t have the same social experiences that those who lived with other students had. I did start college in the dorms, but I had to work food service to pay my room and board. I had a full class schedule so I went to class and studied and tried to have fun, but I couldn’t handle it physically and got mononucleosis (mono) so I had to withdraw from school to recuperate. That was a real low in my life. I finally felt like I was gaining my independence and my health, once again, prevented me from doing so. I lived at home for the rest of my college career. I was very capable socially with adults, as I spent a lot of time with my parents and their friends. I didn’t do as well with people of my own age. I was unpracticed and self-conscious.
I was anxious and depressed all through college but not enough not to participate in life. I had goals and hope for my future. Good grades gave me the self-esteem to muster through and to enter graduate school.
Never Good Enough
Following graduate school, my measurement of self-worth shifted to achievement in my work and resulting job titles. However, there was never sufficient evidence to convince me I was good enough. The unfulfilled expectations of me resulted in heightened levels of anxiety and depression. At this point in my life I was married (and beginning to feel trapped in the marriage) and working at my first job. My depression led to hyperventilation. I didn’t know that was what was happening. It wasn’t like you see in movies. I couldn’t detect a breathing issue. I just felt like I was going to pass out. After being passed around to several doctors, I was sent to a neurologist, who diagnosed my depression. This is when I was put on an antidepressant that I took for many years. The number, shape and colors of the antidepressant medications changed over the many years to follow as hyperventilation and other symptoms of anxiety and depression escalated. Remember, talk therapy was not mainstream then either. In fact, I didn’t experience this until after my divorce.
Debilitating Hopelessness
A marriage, subsequent divorce, and later the death of my mother, and two reductions-in-force (job losses) resulted in a deepened state of hopelessness and heightened anxiety. My low point was after the second job loss. The first lay off was as bad as I thought it could get, but the second one exceeded the first. I didn’t have the energy or hope to go on. The depression and anxiety became debilitating. I couldn’t do anything but sleep, shake and cry. I ended up in a psychologist’s office and admitted I didn’t want to live. I wasn’t suicidal per se, but I simply had no hope for a future. She referred me to an inpatient depression program. It really didn’t help me. What I needed was a job. That’s the only way I could regain a semblance of a life. Somehow I could quit bouncing my leg and get myself together for interviews, and I did get a job that I really didn’t want because I didn’t want to move out-of-state. At this point I was on some pretty powerful medications, but I still wasn’t doing well emotionally. I was living in another city, feeling all alone and out-of-place. I was alive and going through the motions, but was not myself at all. New and more pills were prescribed with abysmal results, but I battled on…..barely.
Suicidal Co-Worker Saved Me
Miraculously, I was able to rejoin a previous employer and return to my home, but the anxiety and depression remained prominent. Because I was back in my home and in a familiar city, I was better emotionally but still struggling mightily to get through a work day. My biggest challenge was short-term memory issues caused by depression. With what I attribute to serendipity, I subsequently hired a vibrant young woman who later disclosed her past suicide attempt while taking antidepressants. Her mother, an RN, was desperate to find an effective alternative treatment. What she discovered was an amino acid protocol, the results of which literally save her daughter’s life.
Because of the honesty of my co-worker and the success I’d seen her have on the amino acid protocol, about 18 months ago; I made a successful transition from traditional antidepressants to amino acid treatment. While my results haven’t been as dramatic as hers, which I attribute to my auto-immune disease and the many accumulated years of depression and anxiety, I am functioning much better than I was while taking anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drugs, and without their many undesirable side-effects. Today I take no prescription anti-anxiety or depression drugs.
Gratitude and Hope
I feel grateful for finding a treatment that more effectively manages my depression and anxiety without the many unpleasant side effects of traditional drug therapy. I am exercising, traveling, following a healthy, gluten-free diet, and functioning better at work than I have since my second job loss.
Being open and honest about my struggles with depression is not easy. I chose to share my journey, hoping others who personally suffer, or are close to someone who suffers, from depression and anxiety will find hope.
I wish you well.