Death

What I Know to be True about Death & Dying

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment
©www.lindaleierthomason.com

For over three decades Craft LifeStyle Management has supported families through death and dying. We offer comfort care for those transitioning from this earth to death and assist in healthy family reorganization after the death.

This is always an intensely emotional time. We urge patience, forgiveness and compassion along with open communication and acceptance during this time, and always.

Remember to also give yourself grace. You are not required to argue or feel bad for the decisions you have made for your loved one. In our experience, more times than not, the family member being the ‘worst’ has done the least.

If you are going through this process with a loved one and your family, know we care about you.

We are here to help in any way we possibly can. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

10 Truths with Notes & Hints

  1. The way one learns about death and dying, or experiences it, affects how one reacts to it. Teaching or talking about these often-taboo subjects is helpful at any age. NOTE: Letting your loved ones know the way you’d like to experience the dying process is a gift. Share your wants and wishes aloud, or at a minimum in writing.
  2. No two family members approach the dying process, death or grief in the same manner. Some will embrace what is happening. Others simply cannot accept it. HINT: Sometimes it seems impossible to connect with and support one another because a family member’s behavior seems unrecognizable at the moment. Give one another space and allow emotions to settle. Avoid being verbally insulted or belittled because someone is not able to handle their own emotions at the moment. Typically, over time, all eventually return to their ‘normal’ selves.
  3. Family members who live out of the area often feel tremendous guilt about not being there to help. Others who live in the same community as the deceased may continue to allow their grudges and hurt to interfere with compassion and empathy. They may avoid the dying person altogether.
  4. It’s not unusual for the primary caretaker to resent other family members for “not carrying their weight” during this time.
  5. Support for one another is far superior to allowing tensions to drive you and your family apart during this difficult time. NOTE: It’s likely the wedges were present many years prior to a death in the family. This process only brought them to the forefront again.
  6. Stress of caretaking and grief impacts one’s immune system. HINT: It’s so important to take care of oneself while caring for others and grieving a loss.
  7. Death sometimes does bring out the worst in families. Sadly, some families fight over funeral arrangements, material possessions and money during the dying process and/or after a death, causing compounded grief and permanent separation. HINT: Keep in mind grief can cause reasonable people to sometimes act unreasonable, especially if they have guilt or unresolved issues with their dying family member. Practice a bit of patience and a lot of forgiveness. Consider that the best option may be to excuse yourself and walk away. Understand there may be too many emotions at the moment to sort through. Peace and calm always win.
  8. A child often steps in and takes the role of the deceased parent. Or, the siblings place the role of the deceased one on one of their siblings causing more stress and burden. Sometimes this is welcomed; other times it causes resentment in either situation. Be aware of this and do your best as a family to cope.
  9. Religious values and death rituals like graveside services or Christian Mass or service offer comfort and normalcy to grieving families. Schedule these, even if it seems nearly impossible to go through them. NOTE: Services and funerals are for the living. Pre-planning these takes so much stress and yes, fighting, off of loved ones. If this was not done, gather as a family. Allow each person to state what they think the deceased wanted. Letting each completely share their thoughts will bring some resolution between each sibling and all of the shared options. There will be some overlap that will help immensely in creating this sorrowful final plan.
  10. There is absolutely NO timeline associated with grief. NOTE: This is so important to understand. One may immediately fall apart. Another may be stone cold. No one knows how they will react until they are in the situation. It is also true that you may react quite differently with each loved one who passes. Again, give yourself grace to handle your own journey and extend that grace to others as well.

As always, let us know how we can offer comfort or care to you and your loved ones. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

SHARE with family.

Peace be with you, always.

More Information

Family Misunderstanding After a Death (whatsyourgrief.com)

Family Reorganization After a Death – Legacy.com

©June 2021 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

New Ways to Think about Death & Dying

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Death is a Universal Human Experience

Yet, talk of it is nearly removed from everyday life.

Death is difficult to think about, more less talk about.

We are afraid of it.

Discussing death reminds us of our own mortality.

It feels quite uncertain.

Many parts of dying are not beautiful.

Death is medicalized.

Older people are often placed in nursing homes and sick people in hospitals.

The subject is completely avoided.

Even doctors are trained to save lives not discuss death.

Talking about death and dying often causes anxiety and discomfort.

We don’t know what to say, or what to do.

Silently Wonder

Still, if we are facing an expected death, we silently question and wonder

  • Are we prepared for leaving-spiritually, financially, and emotionally?
  • What is dying like?
  • How we will cope while dying?
  • Have we accomplished all we’d like before dying? 
  • Will those we leave behind be okay?
  • How loved ones will react to the way we’d like to die and be memorialized.
  • What kind of legacy are we leaving?
  • Will we be missed?

So many thoughts and questions left unaddressed.

Why stay so emotionally isolated?

Why not reframe death from being scary, desolate and bleak to being noble, brave and honest?

It was Benjamin Franklin, who in 1789, prophetically stated “…In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

Life Review

The reality of life is that death is our constant companion. It is part of living.

Understanding this brings death and dying back into its natural place in the cycle of life. It also may abruptly affect how you wish to continue living. That’s okay. We each have limited time and resources. We should use them wisely.

The first step is to do a bit of self-discovery and reflection.

In other words, do a life review. Start recording significant events or moments from your life.

Are there consistent themes?

Note your greatest accomplishments, and failures, and what you remember or learned from each. These notes can become part of your legacy.

Are there life lessons you’d like to pass on, especially to your children? Record these by writing them down or creating a video.

Do you need to seek forgiveness from anyone or forgive someone? Is now the time?

End of Life Plan

Being brave enough to do a life review and have difficult, but meaningful, conversations will allow you to leave your way and on your terms, while creating the experience you wish to have.

You are also providing peace of mind for loved ones who now fully know your wishes and plan.

NOTE: Be sure your plan is well documented. Share the plan aloud with loved ones and let someone know where you are safely keeping the written document. Be sure to periodically review and update it, if needed.

Ask Yourself: If you could design your own death, what would the experience be like and how would you feel?

  • How do you want to leave?
  • Describe your last months and days.
  • What kind of sensory experience do you desire? Do you want music playing? If so, what type? Do you prefer silence? Should someone read to you? If so, what and whom? Do you want to be touched? By whom and how?
  • Who do you want present, or not present, when you die?
  • Do you want to be anointed?
  • At the time of death, do you want your body immediately removed or do you want it to lay still for a certain time period?
  • Do you want to be cremated or buried?
  • How do you wish to be remembered?
  • Do you want a published obituary? Have you written it?
  • Do you want a funeral service or a celebration of life?

NOTE: You may find while answering these questions that the way you want to die is really about how you also want to live.

Gather, Listen & Share

Once you’ve finished your life review and drafted a plan for your ending, bravely gather your loved ones and share your thoughts, feelings and fears with them in a meaningful way.

Present your exit plan created by answering questions like those above.

Acknowledge the discomfort up front.

Understand that some loved ones may opt out of the gathering.

Talking about your dying and death is just too much for them right now.

That’s okay.

Make sure they can tell you in private about their fears and their inability to attend. Offer to meet with them separately when they are ready, if ever.

Ask those gathered

  • How will you remember me?
  • What scares you most about my dying?
  • Do you have concerns about my not being here?
  • What questions do you want to ask me that you haven’t asked before?
  • Is there a role you’d like to play in my dying and then at my funeral and/or celebration of life?
  • What can I do to relieve any anxiety or fear you may have about my dying?
  • Is there anything you’d like to do together in my last days here?

Hospice & End-of-Life Doulas

Those with terminal illness and their loved ones often become familiar with hospice. There’s an emerging field to offer additional support near the end of one’s life: End-of-Life Doulas.

Here’s a brief description of each with links for more information.

Hospice Care

According to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization NHPCO, modern hospice began around 1948 in London as a place where people could go to be comforted while dying from an illness.

The first modern hospice in the US was founded in 1974, and the Medicare Hospice Benefit was introduced in the 1980s.

Hospice care is

  • Approved by Medicare, thus free to anyone aged 65+
  • Designated care for anyone with a terminal illness
  • Ordered by two physicians who certify the patient is terminally ill
  • Focused on reducing pain and suffering without removing the cause of it
  • Prioritizes comfort and quality of end of life
  • More Information Home | NHPCO

End-of-Life Doula

End-of-Life Doula is a relatively new service. Many know doulas to be a woman who helps another woman through the birthing process.

An End-of-Life Doula brings someone to the end of life. She puts them at peace and comfort by providing personal companionship. She provides emotional, personal and practical support to the patient, family and caregivers.

The Doula will ensure a patient does not die alone. She will journey with them in their 11th hour and be a witness to the dying and death, especially if a hospice program does not have an 11th Hour volunteer program or the patient has no one beside them.

  • Non-medical support role—a companion
  • Does not replace hospice care; adjunct to hospice team
  • Reinforces a hospice plan of care
  • Loving companionship with end-of-life knowledge
  • Generally, do not do personal care
  • Do not do medication administration
  • Most are not chaplains, social workers, or therapists. They are companions-people who will journey with you.
  • More information NATIONAL END-OF-LIFE DOULA ALLIANCE (NEDA) – Home (nedalliance.org)

Be at peace when you die.

Be unafraid.

Talk about death and dying.

Allow loved ones to accompany you to the door of death.

Let go together with comfort knowing you left your way

with your wishes being met.

Resources

You don’t need to start from scratch to begin the process of talking about death and dying. There are plenty of tools available to encourage and guide these discussion and actions.

  • Churches and funeral homes offer free booklets to complete indicating your wishes and consolidating your vital information. This pre-planning allows you to make informed decisions while you still can and reduces stress for your loved ones upon your death. These booklets include everything from desired scripture readings to cemetery arrangements to loved one’s contact information to insurance and financial information, etc. Examples include: Home – Family Love Letter   Planning Guide – Catholic Cemeteries Omaha
  • A simple online search yields multiple planning tools. Here’s just one example. All Ready to Go.pdf (endoflifeguidetraining.com)
  • Your financial planner, banker and attorney are also great sources for such tools.
  • Visit Death Over Dinner. It’s an outstanding website with many tools to use in having your end of life wishes met.
  • Read about Home – Death With Dignity
  • End of Life Initiatives  End of life | RoundGlass

©January 2021. Linda Leier Thomason All Rights Reserved.

This means seek permission before using copy or images from this site. Images are available for purchase.

Linda Leier Thomason writes freelance business and travel stories along with feature articles. Her work experience includes a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Read more about her background and qualifications by clicking on the “Meet Linda” tab above.

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FFA Advisor Lives Through Death

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Family PictureBrian has led one of the most successful Agricultural Education programs in the nation for 25 years in Napoleon, ND. A proud NDSU  Bison graduate (1982), his FFA Chapter has earned over 100 individual and team championships, two national team championships and numerous other top 10 national awards.

He and his first wife, Lorie, were married in 1984 and raised two beautiful daughters, Christina, 28, and Brianna, 26, both elementary school teachers.

Brian married Mary Beth in December 2011. In his free time, he enjoys spending time with his wife, fishing, hunting, going to concerts, working in the yard and garden, and playing cards.

He also loves decorating for Christmas, something that began as a challenge from Lorie one year and continues today.

Here’s Brian’s Story

Cold sweats. Soaked sheets. Prayers through the night, pleading for a quicker sunrise.

A nightmare?

YES. A nightmare called my life. No one should experience death and grief in the prime of his life. Unfortunately this nightmare centers around the death of a spouse. It happens to many of us and we live through it, maybe even grow through it.

Our Love Story

I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 20, halfway through my college education, against the advice of some who said we were too young. They questioned our thinking. I thought I’d found the lady I loved more than myself and I wasn’t going to let her get away! Were there hard times? Absolutely! There was never enough money. I battled alcoholism and, like many, we had everyday life struggles. But, the worst was yet to come.

The Nightmare

It started with my wife Lorie’s physician’s assistant finding a lump in Lorie’s breast. We convinced each other it was nothing. Lorie was only 32. But then we received the news that she had breast cancer and that we needed to react immediately. A mastectomy was quickly done and a decade of chemo, radiation and other medical procedures ended on May 24, 2006 when my wife of 21 years, 10 months and 18 days died in my arms with our daughters at her bedside in the old house we had called home for 15 years. The cold sweats and daily washing of bed sheets began that night.

Stages of Grief after Death

We battled her cancer for a decade. There were periods of hopeful remission and then re-occurrence. I went through the stages of grief multiple times: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. My experience convinced me this isn’t an inclusive list and varies from person to person and situation. What I can do is reassure you that with each day it does get better and that you will eventually reach acceptance of the death and loss.

Acceptance Journey

Reaching acceptance of Lorie’s death was slow and painful and not always pretty, but maybe my journey will give you guidance and solace.

1. First and foremost I grew immensely in my faith. We’d always been a church-going family that had a “normal” amount of faithfulness. However, this experience, and the loss of my mother four years earlier, intensified my inner faith. It had to in order for me to get up and move forward. I had to believe that Lorie was now pain-free in paradise alongside those who were faithful and had gone before her. And I had to believe God still had plans for me to make this world a better place and give me purpose. Otherwise, He would have granted my prayers and taken me instead. So I say, “Believe in the power of prayer and have those real and raw conversations with God.”

2. Family and friends will reach out to you. Accept the opportunities they present. This may be a conversation over coffee, a phone call or an invitation to do something. Even if you don’t feel like going out, I’d encourage you to do so. I am so thankful for the friends and family who reached out to me and invited me to shoot pool, attend a backyard barbecue, go to area races, etc. There were many times I wanted to say no but forced myself to say yes because I knew staying home wasn’t going to help me get up, get dressed and get moving. Ask yourself often, “What would my loved one want me to do?”

3. I’m an educator by profession with an 11-month contract because of supervised summer activities. Summer 2006, after Lorie’s death, began the longest, most painful summer of my life. I simply wasn’t busy enough. Although I didn’t want to not be busy, I subconsciously sometimes made this choice. The schedule was flexible, not fixed like the academic school year, and now I know I could’ve used the structure. There were times I needed to be alone, but it’s not healthy to withdraw and wallow in self-pity. One should return to a normal routine as soon as mentally and emotionally possible. It was the reason two weeks after Lorie’s passing that my younger daughter, Brianna, and I decided we’d attend the State FFA Convention. We also knew that’s what Lorie would want us to do. Once the new school year started, the routine got easier. Obviously I had to be at work, which includes many hours of after school activities. Keeping busy and returning to a schedule made the days go by quicker and with less pain as my mind was occupied with the activities of the day.

4. Find natural ways to release stress and improve your mental health. One of the things I truly enjoy is listening to music and singing along. It is scientifically proven music has mental health benefits. It doesn’t matter what kind of music you choose. I select the music that is appropriate for my current state of mind. Sometimes I listen to Christian music.

Sometimes I’m listening to my “angry” music to vent. Sometimes I play tear jerking country and sometimes just some fun easy listening tunes. I also started exercising on daily basis-walking and lifting weights, not for the physical benefits but for the mental health benefits.

Whatever your hobbies are, or if you have none, I would encourage you to continue them or find some. I would also avoid the use of alcohol and/or drugs. I’m a recovered alcoholic, so in my mind that was never an option.

We all know that alcohol and some drugs are classified as depressants but yet many have some strange idea that it makes them feel mentally better when, in fact, it intensifies the depression we already have.

Gifted With a New Love

Two years after my wife’s death I started to experience something I never brian and marythought I would feel again. I fell in love. By attending activities with friends, I began to build a friendship with a beautiful lady whom I married three years later. It started as a friendship only because, honestly, I never thought I’d again feel the kind of love that makes a person want to commit themselves to another for a lifetime.

But, I did. Falling in love and possibly remarrying are certainly not disrespectful to the one you lost. The love and memories you have for your deceased spouse are certainly not diminished in any regard. I relish the memories Lorie and I had. I see my wife in the beauty of our daughters and I will forever cherish the love we had.

Get Up. Get Moving.

If you allow yourself to fully experience the death of a loved, you will grow. How have I chosen to grow through this experience? I grew in my faith. I am more grateful for the people in my life.

I love more deeply. I am more forgiving and less angry in my daily life. And, ironically this experience has made me a more positive person.

So, as hard as it may be-Get Up. Get Dressed. Get Moving! Your loved one would expect no less!

How has Brian’s story and journey touched you? Comment below.

Remember to encourage your loved ones to do monthly breast self-exams and to have annual mammograms.

Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form below.

©Copyright. December 2015. Linda Leier Thomason.
All Rights Reserved.

Endings Are Also Beginnings

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

I’m at an age where endings are more common, though none less painful: Divorce. Death. Abandonment.

That’s why I picked up the non-fiction book Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman and read it. If you have lost a loved one through death, divorce or abandonment, I encourage you to read it.

The author was kicked out of a grief support group and created her own to take the next steps with her after loss-six young widows. All agreed to allow her to tape their monthly gatherings and not edit their words. Though there was little in common between the women except for their loss, the group bonded over the year and even traveled as a team.

The truth of grief was vivid and the struggles of new beginnings graphic.

The predominant message was that grief is a process of finding comfort in one’s life again and that requires going outside of oneself through action. Not easy but clearly doable as shown through the words and behavior of this group.

Sometimes we make choices in our lives but sometimes our lives make choices for us-leaving us in a state of grief. Make a choice-read the book. Connect and bond with a group that doesn’t wallow in sorrow but yearns for new beginnings. Assume responsibility for your new beginning.

Taken from Psalm 42: Why are you so desolate, my soul? Why weighed down in despair? Trust in God; He will save you; You will sing to Him with great joy.

Peace be with you.

Copyright. September 2015. Linda Leier Thomason.

9 Shot Dead & Life Got Very Real

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 4 Comments

st marys
St. Mary’s Church

I lived in Charleston, South Carolina for 20 years. Two decades in the Holy City, which annually lands at or near the top of every list of great cities to visit. I was recruited to work for a start-up medical manufacturer there and married my husband in St. Mary’s in downtown Charleston. Alex was born here. I owned several businesses and employed local residents. The people and the community embraced and supported my family and my businesses. We actively participated, served on boards and volunteered our time and talent. We coached youth sports teams. We were members of a church, a neighborhood and community. We were vested in Charleston. It was easy to do. Many give much to this great city.

Charleston deserves considerable credit for shaping a huge part of the woman I am today. Yet, during all of this time, thankfully I never knew a single person who got murdered in Charleston. Not until I woke up on Thursday, June 18th in Omaha, Nebraska to a lit up phone.  What the heck happened, I wondered? Why all the messages?

Sadly, three people we knew and interacted with, along with six others, lost their lives. The news stunned and deeply saddened me and the level of grief only heightened as details were released. They were shot point blank in a church basement while attending a Bible study session. Who does that? Why?

Multiple sources have asked me to comment about the mass murder. I have remained silent, allowing myself time to process the insanity of it all and to mourn for the victims, their families and the city itself.

I am so sorry for everyone involved. These were outstanding citizens-all nine of them. As we mourn, my family and I have watched with pride as the city unites peacefully to show the world the real character of it’s classy soul.

I am not clueless. Racism is alive and present in South Carolina.  I was aware of the racial undertones, but did not let them interfere with my interactions or decisions. As they say in Charleston, I was “from off”, even though I lived there 20 years. I wasn’t even called a ‘Yankee’ because my birthplace is North Dakota. Several folks referred to me as a ‘Southern Canadian’, which always brought a laugh to both parties. I was a misfit with an awareness. It would be pretentious of me to say I had an understanding of the historical tensions and conflicts between races. I didn’t grow up there. I didn’t share the ancestral stories of either side. Yet, despite that, the tension and need to always be “racially or politically correct” was certainly real. My awareness was acute, and like most, I did my best to straddle that fine line to avoid offending anyone.

Yet today as I listen to Charlestonians in my ear or on television the focus has not been on racial divides. Rather, they weep for the senseless loss of life and for the young man so misguided in his thoughts and actions. They ache for the city and for the goodness they need restored. They know the Confederate Flag is a symbol, not a cause. They want their leader, their parent, their friend and their family member back.

So, may the souls of these nine good citizens rest in peace and may the watching world learn from the fine example being set in Charleston of unity, peace and strength of community.

Nine were shot dead.

Life got real.

 Hearts broke.

Tears fell.

The world mourned.

Politicians reacted.

Charleston citizens united.

The world watched.

BFF
BFF

I went through my catalog of Charleston photographs since the shootings last week.  My intent was to post images of landmarks which visually represent my fondness for the city.

Instead, what grabbed me were the photos of people. Landmarks are nice, but these images  represent the heart and soul of this fine city-diverse citizens peacefully interacting, enjoying fellowship and working on behalf of their community.

Rotarians
Rotarians

Neighbors
Neighbors

Color of skin is not a barrier to co-existing.

Nursing Home Buddies
Nursing Home Buddies

Learning to thrive with that attitude and understanding is what is needed to peacefully heal from this senseless act.

Employees
Employees

crafters
Holiday Crafters

Copyright. June 2015. Linda Leier Thomason