October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This year’s theme is #WeAreResilent, a reminder of survivor’s resiliency as well as the collective resiliency of the domestic violence movement.
Mary is a domestic violence survivor. We applaud her for sharing her story so that others may learn how to recognize domestic violence, find ways to leave the abuser and support anyone in this situation.
Mary is resilient. She’s working to become stronger day-by-day.
Domestic Violence Statistics
The Sickening Facts
- Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
- Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
- Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
- Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
- Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
- Every day in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
- Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
- Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
- Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
- The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
- Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.
The Beginning
Mary and Floyd, were married 40 years. They met in high school, dated two years and had a 12-month engagement.
Then, Mary thought Floyd was outgoing, hardworking and confident. “I felt he loved me.”
Reflecting back, Mary shares that Floyd showered her with little gifts (Today she sees this as being groomed.). For instance, after one month of dating, he gave her a Christmas gift-one her mother said was too expensive to accept so early in a relationship. Instead, Mary thought, “Wow! I’m special.”
That naïve feeling of “specialness” led to decades of domestic violence and family dysfunction.
The End
Mary served Floyd divorce papers January 2018 and their divorce was finalized in November that year.
Today she is still questioning how she “got entangled with such an abusive, controlling person.”
What happened during these 40+ years is a warning story for others in abuse situations and for law enforcement, medical professionals, family members and others to study and understand.
What One Brings to a Marriage
Mary admits she entered the marriage with low self-esteem, a lack of confidence and no experience ever living on her own. Her parents were “awesome role models for marriage” and she had no exposure to domestic violence.
According to Mary, Floyd, on the other hand, was abused by his now deceased alcoholic father. “It astounds me that I never asked how his father treated his mother. I have never known if he abused her physically.”
She calls this failure on her part to understand more of Floyd’s childhood household experiences, sad.
Early Signs of Domestic Abuse
The abuse in Mary and Floyd’s marriage started slowly. It began with verbal abuse and escalated into physical abuse with intensified verbal attacks. Setting was irrelevant. The abuse happened at home and while on vacations.
Like many domestic abuse victims, Mary was operating for most of her married life in a survival mode. “I was so beat down and feeling worthless. My family had no clue what was going on. Indirectly I was lying to them, but I didn’t know better.”
Today Mary knows Floyd was gaslighting her from the start. For instance, she joined a softball team the summer after their marriage. She soon quit because “crap would hit the fan” if she wasn’t home right after practice.
Mary rarely went out with girlfriends. “If I did, he’d fight, beat me down verbally before and after I came home.” So, she stopped doing things with friends.
“I thought everything was my fault. I was doing things wrong. He’d ream me if I forgot the milk while grocery shopping or if I forgot to defrost food.”
It became a vicious cycle. “I could never satisfy him. I was walking on eggshells, always. It wasn’t what was going to make him blow, it was when. I never knew.”
False Hope
In her heart and soul Mary knew she was in an abusive relationship. “I was embarrassed. I just always told myself, ‘If I could just be better.’ I’ll give him another chance.”
Mary falsely believed in hope.
Hope Floyd would come to recognize what he was doing was wrong.
He didn’t. Instead, Mary reveals, he’d chide, “You can’t make it on your own!”
She can’t remember how many times she tried to leave. She would, but always returned.
Mary felt so beat down and lacked a support system because she rarely shared her truth.
1st Divorce Filing
Mary filed for divorce the first time in January 2016. Floyd begged on his knees for a second chance as he presented her with a troubled marriage workshop they could try.
They did.
It didn’t make a difference, and neither did marriage counseling, where Mary said Floyd always found fault with the counselors.
Domestic Abuse & Children
Mary remains plagued with guilt about the long-lasting effects of this domestic violence on their children. She knew they listened as they fought in bed. She grimly recalls the time her daughter went on her own to see the elementary school counselor. And the time she found their two-year-old son sleeping in the hallway. Was it to keep his parents from fighting a few feet away?
Today, her children are adults. But Mary still rightfully worries deeply about their home history and the long-term effects on each of them.
Police & Marriage’s End
Mary believes she could have had Floyd arrested and put in jail multiple times throughout the marriage. “I was too embarrassed to do it.” And, her research revealed that abusers become more combative when this happens.
So, she didn’t.
Until she did.
She finally had enough and called the police who separated them.
One deputy bluntly told her something’s got to change and that they don’t want to be called to this location again. He reminded her when this happens, the situation is always worse.
The officer went so far as to ask if they fight in the kitchen and if knives are close by. She answered affirmative to both but added, “I would never do that.”
He questioned her response. “Not even in defense to protect yourself?” Adding, “You can’t say that for sure.”
Mary was taken aback and awakened.
She was advised to change the locks and not to let Floyd back in.
She predictably did.
This time she slept in a separate bedroom with a locked door.
She filed for divorce, but the effects linger.
Legal Wrangling
Judgements are a joke, per Mary.
“It will be three years of the divorce being finalized in early November 2021 and I still don’t have all of my things in the judgement.”
It would cost up to an additional $10,000 for her to hire another attorney to ‘make’ Floyd comply with the initial judgement.
Mary views this as additional abuse by Floyd. She sees it no differently than restraining orders where many women in domestic violence situations wind up dead.
“This is just another way of him still controlling. I believe he is so angry that I made his abuse publicly known.”
She questions “when are the abused going to get the attention and respect and when are court systems going to follow through?”
“When will everyone stop asking why does she stay instead of why does he act violent?”
Forgiveness & Support
It’s a daily struggle for Mary to forgive herself for choosing to remain in a domestic violence relationship. She has many regrets for not standing up for herself while repeatedly being told she was worthless.
She relies heavily on counseling, prayer, devotional readings and music to nurture her soul and heal. “In fact, these same things gave me the courage to leave.”
She is forever indebted to her co-workers and family, especially her sisters, for their unending love, support and prayers. “They listen and know the truth.”
Advice to Others
When asked what she’d say to others in her situation, Mary offered:
- Surround yourself with good, trusting people and tell them honestly what is going on.
- Listen to your heart and gut. They are never wrong.
- Reach out to local domestic violence resources. Mary received assistance from the Abused Adult Resource Center. Abused Adult Resource Center
- If a shy, low self-esteemed person like I can finally leave, know you can too.
Final Message
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust a partner again. I have the warning signs now to look out for, but I have no desire.”
Mary still believe in the institution of marriage. “I see good marriages all around me.”
Gratitude
We wish Mary peace, continued resilience and ongoing support as she continues to rebuild herself and her life.
We thank her for the courage to share her story of domestic violence and the help it will undoubtedly provide to others in similar situations.
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Domestic violence survivor breaks silence on abuse (kfyrtv.com)
More Information & Help
Risk and Protective Factors|Intimate Partner Violence|Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC
Domestic Violence By State 2021 (worldpopulationreview.com)
The Nation’s Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence (ncadv.org)
Domestic Violence Statistics | Domestic Violence Statistics
Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)
©Copyright. October 2021. Linda Leier Thomason
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Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business.
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