Mary, a Michigan educator and mother of three young children, lost Andy, her 38-year-old husband of 10 years, on November 20, 2020, after he died of a sudden heart attack.
If Mary could say one more sentence to Andy, it wouldn’t be the usual, “I love you sentence.”
Instead, she’d plead, “Please take care of yourself. We need you here.”
Who’s Andy?
Mary describes Andy as a hard worker, fun loving and someone filled with a zest for life. Andy was committed to helping people around him. He was a learner and a go-getter.
Professionally he was a supervisor with Grand Blanc Processing and self-employed in property management. He was known for working with his hands and enjoyed woodworking and carpentry.
Andy loved camping, fishing and hunting with his family and friends and doing outdoor things with his kids.
Andy’s Heart
Neither Mary nor Andy knew of any pre-existing health conditions prior to his shocking death. Though both were acutely aware his paternal grandfather died at age 42 from heart disease and his dad had prior open-heart surgery.
Andy was committed to seeing a doctor for an annual wellness exam. In fact, his next one was scheduled the week after his passing.
According to Mary, he rarely complained of any health malady but that week he’d often say he had heartburn and GERD-Gastroesophageal reflux disease.
Mary admits they likely missed the signs of his failing heart. “He was such a hard worker that I think his body aches from his side job of building and fixing things were more than work-related aches and pains.”
Having gone through this experience, Mary implores all to pay attention to your body, even in the busy times of life. Don’t put off being seen. “Had Andy been seen for his heartburn, maybe things would have been different.”
Dad’s Not Coming Home
Andy had been trying to fix a neighbor woman’s sink when he passed away.
The neighbor was there when he passed out, immediately administered CPR and then called the ambulance.
“When she came to tell me Andy was being taken to the hospital, I think I dismissed what she said because in my head I registered that he got hurt on the job. That is what I told my kids at first.”
Hospital
At the hospital, Mary was taken to a room, not to her husband. A doctor asked her what she knew. She said she knew Andy passed out and was taken by ambulance. “In my head I was not registering that CPR meant he was not breathing.”
The doctor had said ma’am your husband did not make it. I am so sorry.
Mary sat in shock. She began to cry for her children as they had just lost their dad.
Home
She returned home where her mother was watching the children. They sat together as Mary shared, “Daddy was a really hard worker and his heart just stopped. Daddy was dead and he was never going to come home.”
The oldest, nine-year-old, daughter, Teagan, cried uncontrollably while son, Logan, who was four at the time, seemed okay. “He was sad, but not like Teagan.”
He was very literal with his father’s death. “He’d call me a cry baby. I’d remind him it’s okay to be sad and to cry.”
In fact, Logan wanted to remove his dad’s chair from the dining room table because he would not be eating there anymore. “I told him I would like to keep the chair there.” He suggested removing other items too “because Daddy doesn’t need it anymore.”
Logan didn’t want to go to the funeral home “but I made him go to just say one last goodbye.”
Teagan stayed with Mary the whole time. “She has been my rock. She gives me hugs when I am sad and tells me she loves me.”
Now
Today, Logan talks about his dad and draws pictures of him and his little sister, Everleigh, age one, so that she will have memories of him.
Mary is well aware that each of her kids has their own way of dealing with their father’s death and that grief will continue to appear as time passes.
A Widow’s Grief
Andy and Mary both grew up in Flint, Michigan. They’d known one another since grade school. Andy was the best friend of her brother.
“I had a crush on him. I thought he was cute.”
Andy offered to take Mary to her senior prom because she didn’t have a date. “I thought that was so sweet.”
From there they had an on and off again relationship, always running back to one another.
They got engaged in April 2009 while on spring break in the Tennessee mountains.
Today, Mary misses Andy’s sly smile, humor and fun side. He was always cracking a joke or just being funny.
She’s constantly questioning if she’s doing the right thing as a mom. “Rules and consequences are on me. I became single overnight and the kids rely on me.”
She’s doing her best and admits often feeling overwhelmed.
“People say I’m so strong. It’s not that I’m strong. I have three little people needing me to get up and live every day even when I don’t want to.”
She’s going through typical emotions of grief. She’s felt
- Numb. Especially at the hospital when receiving the news.
- Shock. Feeling like it wasn’t real and that this could not be happening to her.
- Anger and Madness. About three weeks after Andy’s passing a TV commercial aired on heart attacks. Mary became so angry that she was unaware of how bad Andy’s heartburn was and what the signs of his body aches meant. “I was mad and angry because people have heart surgery and valve replacements and stents put in and live their lives for quite a bit longer. I was mad that we did not get a chance to fix anything. After being mad and angry, I just circle back to being sad.”
- Sad. Sad for her kids that they will miss their dad. He loved them so much. “I’m also sad because we had dreams of buying a new house together and raising our babies together. We had dreams of being retired and camping together.” She’s deeply sad for all of what could have been.
Mary allows herself to cry. “I literally had a day where I cried all day.” Everything set her off. Tears would not stop. Her mom offered to come take the kids.
Mary refused.
“I told her they’d just see me cry on a different day.” This is their reality at the moment. “I am sure they are going to see me cry a lot and I am not going to hide my feelings from them.”
Blame Game
Mary admits, at first, she blamed everyone for Andy’s death.
I blamed time and energy drinks. “In his last two years Andy picked up drinking energy drinks all the time. He was very busy with work and energy drinks were his go-to.”
Time, because the next week was his annual physical. “I feel sure Andy would have mentioned the heartburn to his doctor. Maybe Andy could’ve had heart surgery. I do feel energy drinks played a role in his heart attack.”
She blamed God. The day before his passing, Mary visited her brother’s grave asking him and God to watch over her family and protect them from the crazy Pandemic times.
“I was devastated and felt unheard.”
Next, she blamed her husband. Why would he let something like this happen?
She blamed herself. Andy had mentioned heartburn earlier in the week. “Why didn’t I take this more seriously and ask more questions?” She wishes she could turn back time and tell Andy to go see a doctor.
“I blamed his doctor, the people who were there with him in his time of need.”
When all was said and done, she knew “we all die and most times we don’t know when our time is up.”
Acts of Kindness
Mary’s friends and family have provided endless support.
They organized an unforgettable meal train whereby she had meals coming every day for a month. “I truly couldn’t even imagine having to try to figure out a meal for my three kids. It was so nice to have it done for me.” Along with the meal train, the group collected donations to assist in funeral expenses.
Friends let her vent. They listened to how she felt.
Family was there with an outpouring of love. Her parents live nearby and help with the kids.
“I have a village and cannot express how lucky I am to have them all in my life. I cannot imagine going through something like this alone.”
Employer
Andy’s employer reached out right away and got life insurance and retirement paperwork to Mary. They allowed her to keep his company phone and paid for several months of service. They also generously paid for three months of their health insurance-something Mary hadn’t even thought about at the time. “I cried on the phone with their kindness. I was so appreciative.”
Comfort & Surprise
Mary was both surprised and comforted when a family, whose children she’d cared for 20 years prior while working in the infant room at a daycare center, hand-delivered $500 to her at home.
“I told them I couldn’t possibly accept the money. But the dad told me I’d taken care of their babies when they needed someone and now, they wanted to help me in my time of need. I just cried. It was all I could do. He gave me a big hug and told me to get in the house and love on my 9-month-old, Everleigh, who was at the door waving.”
There were, and are, so many people who care and are kind.
It’s such a lesson and “I wish for my family to live a life of happiness and to always have love in their hearts too.”
Thank You
Gratitude & deep appreciation to Mary for sharing her story with us. Wishing she and her family much peace and happiness in the days ahead.
SHARE this post with anyone who needs to hear:
- Take care of yourself.
- Your family needs you here.
- Listen to your body.
- Seek appropriate medical care.
- You matter to many.
FOOTNOTE: Don’t avoid discussing death while living. Get a will. Talk about funeral plans. Who would you like to care for your children if both parents pass at the same time? Put this in writing. Be prepared. See link below.
If you’d like to leave a message for Mary, do so below.
More Information
Warning Signs of a Heart Attack | American Heart Association
Heart attack – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic
Sudden cardiac arrest – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic
Energy Drinks | NCCIH (nih.gov)
Energy Drink Consumption: Beneficial and Adverse Health Effects (nih.gov)
Acid reflux, Heartburn, and GERD: What’s the difference? | NIH MedlinePlus Magazine
New Ways to Think about Death & Dying – Linda Leier Thomason
©Copyright. August 2021. Linda Leier Thomason
Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form below.
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