Retirees: How to Plan for Next Pandemic

August 13, 2021August 13, 2021 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Covid-19 Wake Up Call

Many rejoiced! Covid was over. Life was getting back to ‘normal’.

Or, so it was thought until the recent Delta variant crept back into the everyday news cycle.

For a few brief months, when all believed this nasty virus was tamed with vaccines, Americans delighted in seeing families coming together again to celebrate and reconnect.

What Will We Do Differently?

While we all tepidly approach our public lives again it’s time to pause a bit and ask what was learned during the pandemic.

At Craft LifeStyle Management we see children finally getting back into their parent’s homes. Grandchildren into grandparent homes and neighbors into older friend’s homes.

Some of what is found and reported is heartbreaking.

Real Life Story

Recently we were asked by an out-of-state family member to enter their father’s local home. Of course, they’d been frequently visiting with him via telephone during the pandemic since he was unable to manage other modern communications.

He always sounded good on the phone-laughing, joking and openly reporting what he’d eaten. He claimed he had no problem getting up and down the stairs and that his laundry was being done. Much laughter was had when he told a story about stained clothing from all of the cooking he’d been doing.

The out-of-state family had groceries delivered. A family friend about their dad’s age regularly checked on him by calling and driving by.

Everyone was doing their best to keep dad safe since he has cancer and COPD.

Here’s what was really going on during COVID times.

Dad lied. Or, perhaps didn’t want to alarm, or bother, anyone.

The Truth

The family received their vaccines and confirmed dad had his. “Yup, all taken care of.”

They came to visit-all excited to hug and see each other.

To their dismay and heartbreak, when they arrived at the family home, it was nothing like their anticipated “Norman Rockwell family gathering.”

It was pure sorrow.

He was not washing clothes or cleaning. He was depressed and lonely.

He was not eating well.

Sure, the groceries were delivered; however, he didn’t want to cook. Instead, he ate all processed food and snacks. Thank goodness he had access to these even if they were mostly unhealthy.

Dad was unable to get up and down the stairs where his bed was. Instead, he was sleeping, eating and basically surviving on the couch.

The family took him directly to the emergency room 40 minutes away. He was not admitted but was given liquids and sent home.

Outcome

Dad is now living with his out-of-state family. He is not happy about having to abruptly leave him home, causing another level of depression.

The family is trying their best to figure this out.

What Learned

Telephone calls, Zoom meetings and Facebook messages cannot take the place of in-person interactions. The pandemic highlighted the fact that many older people are not familiar, or comfortable, with the latest technology and struggle to make meaningful contact with loved ones.
Parents have a habit of sheltering their children from bad news.
There is an increased awareness of taking care of one’s mental health. Globally, the impact on mental health from the pandemic has been devastating. There will be no “normal” way to adjust and re-acclimate to life after the events of this past year. A Kaiser Family Foundation poll reported that up to 45 percent of adults experienced negative mental health effects due to the pandemic – and an even higher percentage in those who serve as family caregivers for older senior loved ones.
Retirees are experiencing a role reversal. During the pandemic parents were getting instructions from their children. “Don’t leave the house. Order groceries online. Watch church services on your computer, etc.” Many are trying to understand what these roles look like post pandemic.
Easing back into the real world can be hard. Regaining physical strength and emotional resilience are necessary to thrive in this new post pandemic world. Most were living in fear and isolation for so long it’s hard not to want to emerge fully confident and active. However, after months of inactivity and diet changes, and likely lost muscle mass, it’s best to take it slow to adjust to this still uncertain world.

Adult children gained insight about their own retirements and how they want to age. Where would they want to live during a pandemic? Are they financially prepared? Would they be able to support themselves in an economic downturn?
Families are discussing adapting their houses and lifestyle to have their parents share a home with them.
Senior-living industry is adapting to this upheaval, planning for the future. Some have moved isolation units to the main floor instead of upper floors, allowing for access to the outdoors for fresh air and sunshine. Many placed clear panels in doorways so residents could see and talk safely to visitors. Future buildings will likely have smaller groups of units in the building rather than several dozen units down a long hallway. Even the HVAC systems are being re-thought-circulating air over smaller areas. And, communal dining and group activities will now likely be reinvented and done in smaller groups.

©August 2021 Craft LifeStyle Management.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.

2020: A Year End Review Like None Other

December 30, 2020December 30, 2020 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

5 Lessons Learned in a Pandemic Year

I was hesitant to commit my annual year end review in writing because, well, it’s just been a year like none other that I recall. But as I was recently walking in the December crisp air, I easily clipped off a list of really great things that happened in 2020 despite, or maybe because of, the pandemic.

Most of them are lessons.

Here they are:

1. Real Heroes Celebrated

Even before the pandemic hit I was becoming restless with our nation’s worship of professional athletes and Hollywood actors. It’s true. Most individuals in these groups are immensely talented. Some even significantly give back to their communities with time and money. But, are they heroes? Not often in my way of thinking.

The real heroes in our country were finally, rightfully, spotlighted as the pandemic exploded. You know, the people who silently and routinely make daily life-changing impacts on our lives without recognition. Heroes like teachers, nurses, researchers, doctors, grocery store employees, delivery drivers, etc.

I’m forever grateful for their tireless, ongoing efforts. I hope and pray they will remain in their heroic status long after the pandemic is an afterthought.

2. Eyes Spoke

Much has been said about eyes being the window to one’s soul. This has probably never been truer than in 2020. Masks covered faces most of the year, often distorting or muting words. However, if one really wanted to know what the speaker was saying, (h)she only had to observe the eyes above the mask.

Fear and uncertainty. That is what the eyes often communicated in early 2020. As time wore on, a hint of optimism and even joy could be heard from eyes.

Let’s be honest. On certain days, exhaustion and impatience, and even frustration, shone brightly in our eyes.

Mask or no mask. Pandemic or none. Listen to the eyes of the person near you. Their silence is often screaming.

3. Goodness of Neighbors Shone Through

I’ve said it before. Most people are genuinely good and want to do well. All communities and neighborhoods have bad eggs, including ours. However, I will always remember in early pandemic days the neighbors who texted asking for our grocery list to combine with theirs-saving us a trip to the store that week. Or, the doorbell ringing and neighbors sneaking away after leaving baked treats and other goodies on our front porch. And, the socially distanced chats while each party was out enjoying fresh air on daily walks.

All over our community, state and nation people showed kindness for one another.

It’s a pandemic outcome I wish to be everlasting.

4. Priorities & Values in Order

I’d long ago given up the corporate rat race. Our child is a married working adult. We no longer juggle an action-packed schedule. In other words, we were already conditioned for often being at home together before the pandemic.

But nothing makes one assess priorities and values more than the real threat of a life-ending virus and stay at home orders-lockdown.

Ken, my husband, a Morgan Stanley Financial Advisor, has been working downstairs for over half of the year. Never before did I think our experience of owning and working in multiple businesses together for over two decades would serve a purpose later in our lives. After selling the businesses, we thought that chapter was closed. Wrong.

I’m grateful we didn’t have to learn how to work and live together like so many couples and families did, and are still doing. We seemed to ease right into familiar routines, allowing both of us to be productive professionals and compatible mates.

We did put the business part of our lives in order. Our wills and other legal papers were updated. Over and over news stories reported families devastated by not only the loss of a loved one but the stress and strife of managing legal issues post death.

Supporting small businesses and craftsmen remained a top priority for us. Our dining out dollars and other funds were devoted to businesses we knew needed our money most.

I’ve always believed small businesses are the engines that run the community.

Keeping them afloat is always a priority, more so now than ever.

5. Not all Screen Time is Bad

I’m guilty. Raising our son, I preached, “Watching too much TV will pollute your mind,” or “TV dumbs you down.” I encouraged reading, creating and getting outdoors. You know, the old-fashioned way of raising a child.

However, I will admit, during this pandemic, I’ve engaged in a fair amount of screen time.

Today, the choices are endless.

Yes, I obliged my husband and binge watched “The Sopranos”. I can’t believe I hadn’t watched this outstanding series before. The writing, acting and production were each remarkable and deserving of every accolade ever received.

I also watched a ton of documentaries, biographies and other educational programming.

Okay, according to Ken, I’ve overwatched Hallmark movies near the end of this year. But, again, the choices are endless.

I’ve had a mind shift. I no longer think TV dumbs one down or pollutes one’s mind. It can, if done in excess, I guess. Like anything, choosing well matters and so does balancing screen time with other activities like actual conversation, outdoor activities, and yes, book reading too.

So, while 2020 was sadly a remarkable year for loss and fear, it also taught some tremendous lessons.

I trust as I continue to reflect on this year, other lessons will come to me.

Share Your Learning from This Year

What has 2020 taught you? Share in the comment section below.

2021

This means seek permission before using copy or images from this site. Images are available for purchase.

Linda Leier Thomason writes freelance business and travel stories along with feature articles. Her work experience includes a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Read more about her background and qualifications by clicking on the “Meet Linda” tab above.

Do you have a story idea or interesting person who’d be a great feature?

Share below.

Depression & Suicide in Rural America: Joey’s Story

April 16, 2020July 7, 2022 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Who’s Joey?

Joey’s a white, 54-year-old male living in a small town in rural North Dakota. He’s been married for 29 ½ years to fellow Napoleon native, Missy (Sperle).

He’s the proud father of three grown children (Amanda, Megan and Elijah) and has an adorable 9-month-old grandson.

Joey’s the middle child with two sisters and an in-law to Missy’s 12 siblings.

He’s provided for his family as a restaurant owner and manager, retail manager and maintenance worker at the Napoleon Care Center.

Joey loves spending time with his family, especially hunting with his son, mowing the lawn and watching TV.

He’s described as kind, soft-hearted, genuine and sweet.

Joey loves people, but is shy.

He works hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Joey can also be a prankster and a joker.

He has a strong Catholic faith.

Joey has suffered with depression for 34 years.

On December 9, 2016, Joey ended his life by suicide.

Battling Depression

This wasn’t Joey’s first attempt at ending his struggle with life.

Three times he overdosed with medication chased by alcohol. The last time by a fatal gunshot in the master bedroom.

“In the 35 years we were together, it was like a roller coaster ride,” said his wife, Missy. Joey was hospitalized for the suicide attempts. He saw doctors for decades and took a variety of antidepressants. He even had shock treatments, which worked for a few years, but, according to Missy, also affected his short-term memory.

Joey’s depression peaked when he was under pressure or conflict was present in his life.

“Joey loved his family so very much but I believe the suffering just got to be too much. He was so tired of the struggle to keep going,” shared Missy.

Suicide’s Effect on Family

Joey’s children felt deep guilt in the months after his death. “These days were very hard. The kids felt guilty because they didn’t call or visit their dad more often.”

Somehow they believed if they’d have reached out and visited more frequently his suicide could’ve been prevented.

Not likely.

Joey and Missy often talked about suicide because of his 30-year depression battle. “I knew the day would come where he’d accomplish it. However, I always figured it’d be by means of overdose and not by shooting himself on a day when all the children were coming home.”

Missy assured and comforted her children and told them what she’d say to any family who’s suffered such a loss:

1. This is not your fault. Depression is an illness like cancer, diabetes or alcoholism. It is no one’s fault and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Use available resources for helping you cope: support groups, pastoral counseling, therapy, physician visits, retreats, spa services-whatever is available to you and makes you feel better.

3. Stay strong. It may feel like you will never get over this. It is not easy and you will never forget. Each day does get better and you will learn to live with it. You have to believe God loves you and will help you through this.

Though she coaches her children and others to be guilt-free, Missy sometimes blames herself for Joey’s suicide. “We were together for 35 years and I just couldn’t bring him back from the darkness this one last time.”

However, Missy has never been angry with Joey for what he did. “We were together so long and I knew how much he struggled on so many occasions. I can’t be angry with him.”

She admits, though, she’s been disappointed that he didn’t fight harder, especially after they had their first grandchild. “He was so unbelievably proud of that little boy.”

Missy is comforted knowing that she and the kids did not miss any warning signs of Joey’s impending suicide. “He battled depression for 30 plus years. Though it was difficult, it was part of our lives for so many years.

I wish I could have him back, but for Joey’s sake, knowing how much he suffered for so long, I truly hope and pray that he is now at peace.”

Moving Forward

Joey is terribly missed by all. Thinking of him brings both a smile to Missy’s face and tears to her eyes.

She talks to him regularly, asking him to watch over the family and to keep them safe, always, but especially from the current pandemic. “I pray every day that Joey is at peace and is right beside God.” That was always his greatest wish.

Missy’s relies heavily on her immediate and extended families to cope and is deeply grateful to each of them for their commitment to her. “They’ve helped so much with everyday life since Joey’s death. I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without them and my faith.”

Her toughest days were the grief-filled ones the first four weeks after Joey’s death. “I cried every day, many times a day. I remember thinking I’d just lost my husband yet everyone is moving on like nothing happened.”

She returned to work and kept busy, yet when summer arrived, she was hit with another wave of grief. She was alone to tend to yard work-one of Joey’s favorite chores that he enjoyed so much.

I had a wake-up call. Life was moving on with or without me. “The pain of his death has not gone away. I have just learned to live with it.”

“It’s been 3 ½ years. Every day is anyone’s guess how the day will be. Some days I feel like crying when I hear a certain song or relive a special memory. The next day, I’m just fine.”

Wishing Missy and her beautiful family days of peace and happiness ahead.

Thank you for sharing your story so that others may have hope.

If you’re experiencing thoughts of suicide, please seek immediate help from a physician or mental health professional. Effective July 16, 2022, call 988. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline | SAMHSA

In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). For more information, visit the NSPL web site (www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org).

Pinochle Tournament

Keeping Legacy Alive

Joey loved playing pinochle https://bicyclecards.com/how-to-play/pinochle-2/, as do many in the Napoleon, http://napoleonnd.com/ North Dakota community.

To keep Joey’s memory alive, every March his family hosts a pinochle tournament in Napoleon with funds donated to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP) in memory of Joey Hilzendeger.

If you’d like to make a donation to the card tournament, send a check to Missy Hilzendeger 322 Avenue C East, Napoleon, ND 58561.

Or, you can donate directly to AFSP online in memory of Joey Hilzendeger. https://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=cms.page&id=1390&eventID=2043

The 5^th Annual Pinochle Tournament is scheduled for March 2021. The day is not yet available.

What Can You Do?

Seek help if you are suicidal. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Leave notes of encouragement for Missy below.
Donate and participate in the Pinochle Tournament.
Send a donation in Joey’s name to AFSP.
Encourage loved ones to seek help.
Objectively listen and pay attention.
Keep the lines of communication open.
SHARE this post with others struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
SHARE with family members left behind.

North Dakota Facts

North Dakota saw the nation’s largest increase in suicide rates from 1999 to 2016- 58 percent.

That was more than twice the national increase of 25 percent, according to figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

That means that in North Dakota, which has the nation’s 10th-highest suicide rate, a person dies by suicide every 57 hours.

In 2019, 154 people committed suicide.

Guns are the leading means of suicide nationally as well as in North Dakota. They account for slightly more than half of all suicides in North Dakota.

Easy access to firearms, along with increased social isolation and lack of behavioral health services, are among the reasons cited for higher suicide rates in rural areas.