For many of us a new year is a time for those New Year’s resolutions. Let’s be honest. Resolutions are hard because they require us to make changes in our lives about the way we are doing things. Resolutions are usually difficult to stick to. When we don’t, we feel discouraged. Most of us give up before January ends.
January is also Self-Love Month. How about trying a different approach to resolutions this year?
#1 Resolution
The number one resolution is almost always to lose weight or change something about ourselves. While health and self-improvement are great goals, it is equally important to love yourself.
Waistlines and scales do not tell us what a great family member you are or how kind, generous and compassionate you are. They can’t measure the care you give to loved ones.
Here’s a fresh approach to start 2022.
Be kind to your body and show yourself some love this month, and every month.
If you’re looking for some healthy new resolutions where you can see real positive changes in your overall health and well-being and also practice self-love, put some effort toward:
Beginning a New Exercise Routine
Set aside the negative self-talk which has prevented you from achieving this goal in the past. Yes, this is easier said than done! Find a likeminded friend. Set a time to meet weekly. The only rule is there can be no sitting and eating when together.
Walk. 🚶♀️🚶♂️
Weather is a great excuse during winter months. Eliminate the excuse. Find a warm indoor space like a mall. No, this doesn’t mean you have to shop and spend. Just walk and talk.
Starting to move doesn’t need to be difficult. It can be fun! Yes, fun! Start with something you truly enjoy. Whatever you choose, commit for short periods and then add on.
If it was easy, this would not be the ‘resolution’ where we start over each new year. Right?
Sticking with it and remaining active is a mindset.
Now that you and your friend are getting together once or twice a week to move, take it to another level.
Stay focused on your resolutions.
Perhaps join a gym. It is very intimidating to walk into a gym when you are not used to that environment. Once you join, try all the different classes. It is a great way to learn new things and see what you truly enjoy.
Most communities have free or reasonably priced fitness classes. These are ideal for those more likely to stay committed to a routine by joining a group. Groups not only hold one accountable but provide great socialization.
Denise’s Insight about Movement
Those who know me personally know I go nuts if I cannot get energy out of my body! Those caged squirrels about do me in. After a stress-filled day, I cannot just come home and sit. No matter the time of day, I have to take at least 30 minutes to unwind my brain by moving my body. A walk will do just this for me.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health
Exercise movement not only impacts your physical health. It’s also great for your mental health. It releases endorphins making you feel happy. Exercise helps your body release negative energy. It rids the body of anxiety. In other words, a simple brisk walk can make you feel calmer and more relaxed.
In 2022, commit to moving your body. 🏃♀️🏃♂️
Other things affecting your mental health are:
Getting a great night’s sleep
Eating a balanced diet
Spending quality time with others
Boosting your brain with activities like word games, Sudoku, or playing an instrument.
If you have unresolved issues affecting your mental health, maybe 2022 is the time to make an appointment with a professional mental health counselor to deal with these emotional difficulties or mental illness. This is self-love, not weakness or selfishness.
Denise’s Insight about Mental Health
Silence is another way to care for your mental health. It’s my favorite. Yes, there is meditating and being in quiet to connect with one’s inner self in stillness. It’s a beautiful thing!
I love when our clients say, “Oh sure I will just sit down and meditate while I have my parents, children, work, etc. all on my plate!!”
I totally get this, and live this.
This is what I do daily. I put my dinging phone away and turn off all electronics around me. In complete silence I unload the dishwasher, fold laundry or pick up a room. The quiet forces me to listen to nothing and to hear my own thoughts. This is my early morning meditation. It works wonders for me. Perhaps it will for you.
Practicing Self-Care
Self-Care is an act of self-love. It is taking care of yourself in a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual way. You are aware of your own needs and do what is necessary to meet them. It can be as simple as taking a few minutes of your day to browse a favorite website or enjoy a desired snack. Or, it can be as involved as a spa day.
Contrary to most of our upbringings, self-care is not being selfish or indulgent. Rather, it is essential to having a healthy mind and body.
If we do not work on ourselves and make time for rest and relaxation or if we neglect our souls, we will burn out. Depleting ourselves, we are no good to anyone, including ourselves.
8 Steps Toward Self-Love in 2022
So, as we begin 2022 in the month dedicated to self-love,
Surround yourself with good.
Remember you are important.
Plan something just for you & have something to look forward to.
Take joy in the success of others.
Let your guard down and receive care from others. Accept a hug or massage. Share your feelings. Ask for help.
Trust yourself and your voice. You don’t need to apologize for having an opinion that differs from others.
Be accountable to yourself and others. Don’t make excuses for your unacceptable behavior, or accept others’ excuses for theirs.
Cut yourself some slack, nobody’s perfect! Have some fun.
Mother’s Day elevates the importance of this role and can be especially painful for anyone experiencing the death or absence of a mother in their life.
While cards are bought, flowers delivered and gifts given, there are those who grieve for something they do not feel or experience, or maybe never had-a bond with their mother.
Unrelatable
Those in loving close relationships with their mothers, especially within the same family, find it difficult to understand that the opposite can be true.
In fact, they may alienate, or be mad at, a sibling estranged from their mother. They cannot comprehend the hurt, secrecy and shame of being on the outside of the family unit and that collective bond. They may also feel the favoritism but not know how to change it. They can’t. No one can.
There is no grasp on the deep scars and hurt from being rejected by their shared mother.
It simply doesn’t mirror their own personal experience. Nor, does it fit the universal mother myth–that all mothers love their children.
Focus
Researchers have long studied parental absence, neglect and abandonment on the family dynamic. Considerable research also exists on what happens to a family structure when a mother dies, at any age.
For those whose mothers have died, solace may be found in reading Hope Edelman’s book of comfort, help and understanding when a mother dies- “Motherless Daughters.” Motherless Daughters | Hope Edelman
This piece focuses only on mother’s who are emotionally absent from their daughters’ lives, subsequent effects of that and ways to heal from the rejection.
It does not cover neglectful mothers who, themselves, were raised by loving, supportive mothers. This subject will be covered in a future post.
What is an Emotionally Absent Mother?
Definitions
Emotional Intelligence: Ability to use our feelings to inform our thoughts.
Emotionally Absent Mothers: Unaware and insensitive to emotional experience of their children.
Who is She?
Emotionally absent mothers are too busy, stressed out or self-absorbed to see who a daughter really is. This sort of mother doesn’t even realize being emotionally present is a critical role she should play.
Instead, she treats all of her children the same, never seeing each for their unique interests and characteristics.
She provides for the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter but emotional needs such as acceptance, validation and unconditional love aren’t given.
Feelings are never acknowledged or spoken about. And, if the daughter dares express an emotion or feeling, she may hear harsh responses from her mother like, “Get over yourself.” Or, “So and so has it much more difficult than you do,” and “Stop being so weak, needy and sensitive.”
In managing her daily family life, an emotionally absent mother may have neglected, or been absent from the lives of, her child(ren) whom she saw as stronger. She may not have even realized they still needed her to listen to and understand them.
At the time, it’s sort of a compliment to the “strong” child but it has lifelong emotional consequences.
In her book Running on Empty, Dr. Jonice Webb offers help in identifying feelings and suggests healthy ways for expressing emotions to those who were never taught this as children. Running On Empty By Dr. Jonice Webb | Dr. Jonice Webb
She shares that daughters of emotionally absent mothers often believe, and act, like their feelings don’t matter; therefore, “I don’t matter.” These daughters learn, at an early age, to bottle up, or stuff, their feelings and have no tools or experience to tap into them as an adult.
Dr. Webb writes, “When your emotions are blocked off, your body feels it. Something vital is missing. You sense this deeply, and it does not feel good. You are emotionally numb.”
Consequences
When feelings are discounted, we get discounted.
Many learn it’s not safe to share their inner world, so they numb themselves with alcohol, food, drugs and work to distract themselves from unwanted emotions. They put on a suit of emotionless armor every day so they are protected from hurt and rejection.
Daughters of emotionally absent mothers find it extremely challenging to build healthy adult relationships, especially with other females. There is a lack of trust and fear of abandonment. They become armored, wary and defensive. They feel too ashamed to share why they act and react like they do.
Not feeling seen, accepted and loved unconditionally results in daughters feeling unsure of themselves and doubting if they deserve to be valued for who they are.
There is consistent self-worth doubt and anxiety around internal issues. “Am I lovable?”
A longing to feel loved, which was denied as a child, often results in looking to form intense bonds quickly, which can scare off intimate partners who do not understand the origin of this needy behavior.
Many daughters feel like orphans. They fear abandonment and lack trust in others. She can’t reach out to the mother or her siblings for comfort and support. This may result in acceptance of loneliness and complete self-reliance in one’s life.
The emotional pain of rejection from either parent, or both, has considerable long-lasting effects on a child’s personality. Unlike physical pain, this pain is relived repeatedly for years.
It may show up in the child at any age with low self-esteem and high self-doubt feeling:
Anxiety
Insecurity
Numbness
Closed Off
Emptiness
Loneliness
Unlovable
Invisible
Misunderstood
Hostility
10 Ways to Begin Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother
Motherless daughters feel persistent grief for many years, some forever. But this loss peaks when the daughter experiences milestones in her own life where she’d benefit from mothering herself. Moments like child delivery, child rearing, health crises and marital challenges.
There are ways to heal from a mother’s emotional neglect through knowledge, understanding and action.
These include:
Her
Find a substitute mother role model. There are many excellent examples of emotionally available mothers, perhaps within one’s own extended family. Seek someone who is emotionally responsive, nurturing, unselfish and emotionally open. Make sure you can go to her with any emotion, not just the happy ones.
Practice acceptance and forgiveness. Understand your mother’s limitations. She may not have had the tools and experience to mother you based on her own history. Accepting this paucity will give you peace as you seek counsel and comfort from someone else. Avoid turning back to her for emotional support, which she is likely incapable of giving you. Find peace by letting go of the need for your mother’s validation. Stop waiting for her to admit she failed you and caused you suffering. Move forward.
Set realistic expectations. Quit waiting for your emotionally absent mother to take an interest in you and your life, or even to love you. People are consistent. She will act as a grandparent as she did as a parent. Don’t be disappointed when she has no curiosity about your children, her grandchildren, either. Don’t speak bad about her in front of your children. Instead, be fully present and show that change is possible without trying to change others.
Accept that your mother will favor, and be more comfortable with, your siblings who didn’t, and don’t, require her to be emotionally present. Be aware and okay with the fact that she may not want to spend time alone with you. She most likely knows that she lacks the ability to give you the intimacy you so desire and is very uncomfortable, perhaps even making herself sick, when you’re present.
Distance yourself from your mother and put limitations on your interactions by finding a way that honors you. For instance, a 30-minute call one time a month or visiting her only when others are present. Accept that your strong wish to have a close mother-daughter relationship will never happen. Be at peace and focus on your own career, family and life.
You
Approve of yourself. Make yourself a priority. Believe you are worthy of the effort to get to know yourself. Be okay with self-care. Give yourself permission to feel. Don’t deny your own feelings or be afraid to express them as you were taught as a child. Advocate for yourself as you would for your child. Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat healthy. Journal. Quiet your mind. Read. Meditate. Be present with yourself. Do your best. Forgive yourself.
Establish reciprocal friendships that are fun but yet deep and meaningful and where your feelings are heard, understood and valued. Learn to identify and express your needs and wants. Be patient. Accept that you are still in the process of learning what you want, more less asking for it.
Focus on your own family (or family of friends). If you have children, start a new pattern by being a safe place for your children’s emotions. Help them name the feeling and seek ways to deal with them. Listen. Be comfortable even with their uncomfortable feelings like anger, frustration, fear and sadness. Try to stay present and focus on the many blessings in your life, including your children, not the love and attention you missed from your mother.
Seek therapy with a professional trained in estrangement and abandonment. Or, talk to yourself by writing out your experiences and feelings to get clarification and contentment. Finding another woman with a similar experience to share your thoughts and feelings with is also helpful.
Work on building your confidence and self-esteem by setting goals, working hard to achieve them, and celebrating when you do. Your self-confidence will grow when you “impress yourself.” Become an authority on your own life.
As great spiritual teacher and life coach Iyanla Vanzant Home – Iyanla Vanzant | New York Times Best-Selling Author says, “You don’t get to tell people how to love you or how to love. You get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they are loving you.”
Finally, recognize that this journey of understanding and acceptance of an emotionally absent mother is not easy nor straight-lined. Be patient and kind to yourself, knowing you have value, are loved and deserving of inner peace.
Denise’s Insight
This subject matter is quite difficult because it is rarely spoken of and there are so many layers to it. It’s sort of taboo. Yet, it exists.
I’m not writing about it to be controversial. Rather, since it’s near Mother’s Day and we always have clients struggling with this issue, I wanted to share our perspective and experience with this touchy, very complicated, subject.
As you read the post, maybe you even thought to yourself, “Oh, my goodness! This is how I grew up.” Perhaps you even thought this was ‘normal.’
It isn’t. And, it becomes very challenging when an emotionally absent mother has declining health and the daughter feels obligated to care for her.
This is where Craft LifeStyle Management steps in with our 3+ decades of experience to assist in ensuring your mother receives the care she needs while protecting your soul as well. If you’re in need of help, contact us. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)
My precious daughter and grandbabies.
On a personal note, when I grow up, I want to be just like my daughter, Summer, who has two children of her own.
I recently asked her if she learned to be such a great mother by watching me and learning what not to do. She responded with, “NO!”
Thank you for that, sweet Summer! Happy Mother’s Day to you!
It’s not a secret I personally grew up with an emotionally absent mother. We lost her to Alzheimer’s, starting 10 years prior to her death April 2020. The last six years she was here on earth but her mind was not. It truly was a blessing when she passed.
I understand this subject matter. I am here to support you!
2020 will go down in my lifetime as one of the most challenging years ever. I don’t need to list the reasons. We all know why.
Regardless of what we are bringing into 2021, we get to start anew.
Let’s approach 2021 with a renewed spirit-one of gratitude.
Let’s leave the guilt and grief behind.
You With Me?
Guilt
Guilt is a harsh and powerful emotion.
We see it almost daily on the faces of clients, family members and the caretakers. We often hear it in the stories they share, many filled with regret.
Among other ways, guilt shows up as anxiety, frustration, humiliation, anger, depression and low self-esteem and self-worth.
It has consequences on our bodies and our minds.
Ask Yourself
Are you beating yourself up?
Do you expect too much from yourself and others?
Are you afraid to say, “No”?
Do you feel regretful about how you’ve used your time, especially “family time?”
Have you caused divisiveness in the family?
Have you allowed your family to become fractured?
Are you struggling to shake off ‘mistakes’ or unpopular decisions from younger years?
Did you plan special events and intentionally omit certain family members? Have you explained yourself, or apologized?
Are you still allowing others to shame you for yesterday’s choices?
Do you do things today simply because you still feel guilty?
Are you guilt ridden?
Now is the time to honestly answer these questions and own up to the responses.
Acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Make amends, if possible, and move on from one G word-GUILT- to living a life in 2021 of another G word- GRATITUDE.
Gratitude
Simply put, gratitude means being thankful or grateful.
Gratitude is a much healthier approach to your life and your interaction with others, including your family.
Choosing to live a life of daily gratitude also affects our minds and bodies, but in positive ways.
Researchers have found living a life of gratitude improves our physical and mental health. It even allows us to get a better night’s sleep. Who doesn’t want this?
In 2021, I encourage you to think about gratitude and its place in your daily life.
Here are 5 simple ways to start practicing gratitude in your life
Awaken each day acknowledging one thing you are thankful for. Write it down in a journal. If you’re not a writer, doodle or draw it. Let the journal be a source of comfort on tough days as you reread your entries.
Write notes of appreciation to those who’ve made a real positive impact on your life.
Volunteer. Making time to help others is a wonderful thing. NOTE: Keep in mind that sometimes we need to help ourselves too without feeling guilty. Self-care is okay.
Make a list of people who really matter in your life. Renew friendships. Commit to spending time with them. NOTE: This is truly one of my favorite things. An hour with friends you haven’t seen in a long time is a wonderful recharge. Sharing what life has given us, helps. Humor also helps. There’s no guilt in laughter!
Go outdoors. Appreciate the beauty of nature. Awaken your senses. Live in the moment and take it all in! Maybe even capture a few photographs to remember the awesomeness of your outdoor adventure.
Denise’s Insight
My career at Craft LifeStyle Management has allowed me to work with untold numbers of clients and their families as they transition from one stage of life to the other.
If we’ve done our jobs right, we are sort of extended family when our role is completed.
We hear the stories. See the interactions. We feel the sorrow and the joy, and always, the loss.
Those who thrive through transition approach it with a deep sense of gratitude for reaching this milestone. They acknowledge and appreciate their support system, be that family members or others.
They awaken daily recognizing what a gift it is to be present and to share in the joys of the day.
This is what I wish for you in 2021-a year of living with gratitude, peace and joy.
