Aging Parents: Six Daily Reminders

September 7, 2015December 18, 2018 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 4 Comments

By guest contributor -Karen (Dutt) Horan.

“I’ve become a burden,” sighed my 87-year-old father Jack from his Fargo, North Dakota hospital bed. “You’re missing work and being with your family.” He was right. I’d missed 4 days of work, sitting beside him after he was airlifted from Bismarck. And my daughter and grandson, who’d flown to Bismarck for an extended weekend, were waiting for us to get back home. But Dad was wrong about being a burden. To our family Dad always has been a shining example of how to live one’s life.
He is one of those guys from the “greatest generation” who’s always been fiercely independent and responsible. He spent his life being a good son, brother, husband, dad, grandpa and great-grandpa. He was the neighbor who minded his own business, but was always there to help. He was a loyal employee, showing up every day and working hard to provide well for his family. He continues to work part-time for the local school system, managing sporting event parking lots and taking tickets at games because he loves the energy of the student athletes and spectators. He lives independently, drives, gardens, cleans, cooks, pays his bills and, until three weeks ago, avoided going to the doctor like the plague.
In an instant an episode of dizziness and a frantic phone call changed everything. It brought me face-to-face with a father depending on me for health care assistance and decisions.

Now we’re traveling a new road, balancing dignity with care. I know more about Dad’s health than he’s comfortable with. I’m trying to help him understand medical information, procedures, plans and options, while continuing to respect him as the man who raised me. Dad doesn’t feel the need to know his blood pressure is high, but I freak out because of my Mom’s history of strokes. Dad doesn’t want to hear the arterial bleed he has can cause him to bleed out or stroke out, but I need to remind him why he can’t lift or strain in any way. Dad doesn’t want to give himself shots in the stomach, so I do it and tease him that he fusses like a girl. I don’t want to remind and check up on whether or not he’s taken his medicine twice a day, but I can’t relax until I know it’s been done. He doesn’t want to call and report to me when he’s going somewhere, but I need to know he’s safe.

To navigate this new frontier with Dad, I’ve created a list of 6 reminders for myself.

These 6 Reminders Are:

Allow Dad to experience his life and comfortable routines. His current medical situation shouldn’t change his life any more than absolutely necessary.
Slow down and process information and situations at Dad’s pace, not mine.
Include Dad in all decisions. As an only child there is no one else to include. Even if there was, he should be included.
Preserve Dad’s privacy and modesty in all situations.
Reinforce who the patient is when medical personnel talk about Dad as if he isn’t present.
Allow myself to be imperfect. Dad and Mom didn’t get everything right when they raised me and I’m not likely to get everything right in this matter with Dad’s health. Always keeping the love I have for him first, I know things will be all right.

May his soul rest in peace. (Deceased 12.17.18.)

Karen (Dutt) Horan (Mike) is an energetic Bismarck, ND professional. She is the mother of two and grandmother of two, with another grandchild expected in 2015. She is the daughter of Jack and the former Teresa (Reis) Dutt. Karen is an avid reader who enjoys gardening and spending time on the Missouri River aboard her pontoon. The most precious hours of her day are the ones she spends with her family. Karen has discovered that respect and love are the guiding forces for dealing with an aging parent’s health.

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If you have a message for Karen or her Dad, leave a comment below. Thanks!

BIG Life on North Dakota Farm

August 26, 2015August 27, 2018 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 1 Comment

DSC_0053.1 — Klarisa Glasser, Photographer

By guest contributor-Bonnie Schantz.
Farming is big in North Dakota, and so is family. And when something big is about to happen on a ND farm, it causes a lot of excitement. BIG for me is when all our kids and grand kids gather, especially since one of the twins lives 3000 miles away and hasn’t been back for two years.

For this reunion trip back to ND, Michael’s carrying more than his backpack from Boston: his wife and our 9-month-old grandson are in tow. We’re truly blessed as parents and grandparents as nothing makes my husband, Chester, and I happier than when our “chickens come home to roost.”
Our children enjoy spending time together. Our eldest son, Jordan, who lives an hour away from our farm moved his camper here so his family could spend more time here and less on the road. Amanda’s family commuted 70 miles between Bismarck and the farm.
Little did we know that our reunion would be disrupted by big events. Despite these, we stuck together, laughed through each and created lifetime memories. It started out with a six row honeycomb discovered on the corner of the house. As a farmer’s wife, it saddened me to see the local bee keeper destroy this because of the severe bee shortage, essential to pollination. But to protect the grandchildren around the house, he advised us that capturing bees in a wooden hive would take days and could be dangerous for the kids. So, it was destroyed.
Insects are apparently attracted to my family. Shortly after Michael arrived, he was repeatedly texting his physician. Finally he admitted he had a blood test before leaving and just learned he tested positive for Lyme Disease, though he never found a bite on his body. So, he made a ‘beeline’ to the local pharmacy for his 21 day treatment. Oh boy!
Michael wasn’t the only one facing health challenges during the homecoming. Chester, 67, became ill three weeks before everyone arrived. He suffered with a high fever and body aches for days. Even after a couple of trips to the ER, the local doctor remained stumped. Antibiotics, lots of fluids and two and a half weeks of bed rest helped nurse him back to better health. Though weak, he was able to enjoy the family gathering, sneaking in a nap or two. Having his kids and grand kids home was enough for Chester to jump off the farm equipment and tend to his health-a rare behavior near harvest time.

Not certain as to when all 12 will be able to gather again, I couldn’t let this time go by without capturing photos of our togetherness on the family farm. Our house never would have worked as a backdrop because it looked like a closet exploded while getting everyone ready for the photographer to arrive. All willingly agreed to do the photo session outdoors and since farming is our heritage, we included a few rusty old junk yard tractors.

On Sunday we invited extended family and hosted a potluck for 33, which included frying fleishkeukle (German beef pocket) on the patio. Lloyd, my brother-in-law, offered to bring a deep fryer and be the chef since Michael requested it. That is what German Russian families do-celebrate family with food, including German potato salad. As I watched everyone interacting, my heart was full and ready to burst. This was my big family sharing a big meal, and I never felt more pride as the mother and oldest sister of this group.
After five nights it was time to take the travelers to the airport. Hugs and kisses were exchanged and a little of my heart went with them. I didn’t get time to be sad, as I had laundry and cleaning to do as I prepared to watch Jordan’s two kids while he and his wife attended the 75th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. They play so well together and I treasure listening, watching and sometimes joining in. I let them jump in the mud puddles after it rained, ride bike, dance to a Michael Jackson tape and make a fort out of lawn chairs. In between I would send up a prayer for a safe return of their parents. The excitement of the previous week continued with the discovery of three bats in our glass enclosed fireplace. The day after, the dishwasher broke.
That’s life on a ND farm. It’s been a hectic six weeks with lots of activity-bees, Lyme Disease, sick husband, bats in the fireplace, broken dishwasher and even a broken ceiling fan. But as Chester said, “At least we’re still alive!” That’s why I love him. He has ND farmer perspective. All the family was together. He feels better, as does Michael who returned safely to Massachusetts. The grand kids didn’t even have a scrape on them when their motorcycle-riding parents returned from South Dakota. I cherished this extra time with my grand kids and secretly shed a tear when I overheard him read a story to his younger sister. Does this mean my bedtime story reading days are over?
I know some believe North Dakota is a wide open prairie with nothing to do. That’s okay. For me, North Dakota is a big farming state with big families with big hearts. I was happy to have mine all gathered around me, even as I prepare to gather a big harvest to feed this big country.
Bonnie Huber Schantz is a chic farmer’s wife of 44 years, living with Chester on their 6000 acre grain farm near Hebron, ND. She is the mother of three, including a set of twins, and grandmother of four. She is Chester’s support, doing payroll, monthly expense accounting, taking hot meals to six men in the field at harvest, helping maintain the 6 acre farmstead and motoring to their “retirement” home in Bismarck to mow the lawn. She enjoys the freedom of being able to be fill-in day-care for the grand kids and watching the 4th segment of the Today Show, while enjoying a good cup of coffee.

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Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form above.

Flew the Coop & Rooster Crowed

August 19, 2015 ~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 1 Comment

The back to school images on social media recently are both heart warming and heart breaking, especially for empty nesters. We are happy, and even somewhat nostalgic, seeing photos of youngsters slightly stooped over with overloaded backpacks, smiling at the camera with butterflies in their bellies. We recall the years gone by when it was us taking the photos with butterflies of our own. We delight in your time, as we fondly recall ours.

Our 20-year-old son also left for school this week-his third year of college. We were lucky enough to share the summer with him as he completed an internship and lived with us in Omaha. Sadly, that was probably the last long-term shared housing we will experience as he creeps toward adulthood and independence. This year Alex has an off-campus apartment, is buying his own groceries, doing his own cooking and managing his own finances. Yes, we’ve worked hard as parents to get him to this point and we celebrate this milestone. However, we’d secretly like more time, and some days we even long for the four-year-old of past to lovingly wrap his arms around our necks and joyfully bounce on our laps. This is especially true for my husband and family provider, Ken, who has had less time with Alex than I have through the years. As the departure day drew near, Ken was looking for more hours in the day to spend with Alex and he’s felt his absence since-as any good father would, and does.

Each year I witness the growing bond between father and son. With slightly rebellious teenage years behind them, Ken and Alex are inching toward equals and share business and leisure interests. Dinner table conversation is dominated by talk of micro-economics, insurance lingo and sports standings. While I’m not enamored by the content, I’m joyfully celebrating the maturation and growing bond. It’s what every mother longs for-a connection between her children and their father, and herself.

Yes, this week lots of children made their way back to school. Here, ours flew the coop and while we celebrate, we also mourn, gladly and happily, if that even makes sense.

Headline: If you’ve read my “About” page, you will get the fowl reference.

What have you felt and experienced recently with the abundance of back-to-school photos on social media? Share. If you’re an empty nester, does the longing for years gone by this time of the year ever fade?