In 1997, Bill Clinton signed the first National Family Caregivers Month (NFC) Presidential Proclamation and every president since has followed by issuing an annual proclamation recognizing and honoring family caregivers each November.
It is a time for recognizing and honoring family caregivers across the country. The month highlights all dedicated supportive caregivers as they care for others. It creates an awareness of resources available for self-care, advocacy and de-stressing for our caregivers.
2021 Theme
This year’s theme is #CaregiverAnd which encourages family caregivers to celebrate the passions and interests that enrich their own lives. It acknowledges caregivers have responsibilities in addition to caregiving.
Many times, the role of family caregiver overshadows the caregivers identity and instead emphasizes the care they provide for a loved one. Keeping one’s sense of self makes a caregiver’s life complete.
Self-care prevents caregiver burnout; therefore, caregivers must practice self-care in conjunction with family caregiving.
Family Caregivers
Families are the primary source of support to older adults and people with disabilities. Caregiving can take a significant emotional, financial and physical toll. With nearly half of all caregivers over the age of 50, many are vulnerable to decline in their own health.
An AARP study reported one in ten family caregivers had nobody to talk to about their own private matters. Additionally, one in five had nobody to ask for help. These statistics are startling. That is why NFC month is so important.
Celebrating family caregivers during NFC month allows all of us to:
Say thank you and give back to family caregivers
Educate family caregivers about self-identification
Increase support for family caregivers
Raise awareness of family caregiver issues
Celebrate the efforts of family caregivers
We See You
Craft LifeStyle Management always recognizes those who devote time and effort to providing care for a relative or other close friend.
This month, we are especially delighted to take the time to honor caregivers and shine a light on all family caregivers who are the silent superheroes of society.
We see you!
You are unspoken heroes to us.
We acknowledge all you do out of the goodness of your heart.
Alcohol and drug abuse, particularly prescription drugs, among those 60 and older, is one of the fastest-growing health problems in the United States.
Many consider substance abuse to be a mounting public health concern.
True Story
Ruth retired 12 years ago. Her husband of nearly 50 years died a few years back. Her children and their families live in other states. Many of her friends have died or have moved nearer their children. Some reside in an assisted living facility. Others are in nursing homes. She rarely sees them or even hears from them.
Ruth’s doctor has her on several medications for health issues associated with aging. Most days she remembers to take them.
She’s isolated and feels very alone. In the evening Ruth has a glass or two, sometimes a bottle, of wine to “help her sleep” and cope with all of these big life changes and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Before going to bed, she takes aspirin for a headache.
Is Ruth abusing alcohol?
Could grandma really be an alcoholic?
Maybe.
Substance Abuse Facts
While illicit drug use typically declines after young adulthood, nearly 1 million adults aged 65 and older live with a substance use disorder (SUD), as reported in 2018 data.1
Alcohol is the most used drug among older adults. It is often used for physical and emotional pain.
The total number of SUD admissions to treatment facilities between 2000 and 2012 differed slightly; the proportion of admissions of older adults increased from 3.4% to 7.0% during this time.2
Little is known about the effects of alcohol and drugs on an aging brain.
As one ages, physiological changes in the body lead to increased sensitivity and a reduced tolerance to drugs and alcohol. And, medical complications may interfere with the way alcohol or drugs are broken down in the body.
Herbal remedies, dietary supplements and over-the-counter medications can interact with drugs and alcohol in unpredictable ways.
Older adults metabolize substances more slowly. Therefore, their bodies and brains are more sensitive to drugs.3
Elderly often unintentionally misuse medications. They take them too often, forget to take them or take the wrong amount.
According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD), widowers 75 and older make up the majority of people suffering from alcoholism in the USA. They use it to medicate their grief.
Nearly 50 percent of nursing home residents have a problem with alcohol.4
Older adults are hospitalized for alcohol-related problems as often as they are for heart attacks.5
Doctors are often confused whether a patient is misusing substances or is showing symptoms of aging like dementia, frailty, lethargy, chronic health conditions or reactions to stressful, life-changing events in their patient’s lives. Many physicians do not screen for substance abuse. Instead, they focus on the more common medical problems of the aging.
Causes of Substance Abuse
Aging is not easy. Older adults, who struggle with the challenges of it, look for ways to self-medicate.
For many, retirement often means a loss of social connection and purpose. Children relocate and are busy with their own families and careers. Health issues become debilitating and disheartening. A lot of the things that once defined adult life are lost.
Causes of drug and alcohol abuse in older adults can include:
Loss of a loved one. Many elderly people use drugs and alcohol to comfort themselves following a major loss.
Loneliness. A trip to the local bar may be the only way seniors feel connected. They are isolated by circumstance. Maybe the children have moved away and do not remain in regular contact. Or, they’ve lost their spouse or best friend. They no longer have a daily routine since retirement. Alcohol and drugs help them feel less alone.
Health challenges. These can come on like a blizzard. Mobility issues mean loss of independence. Vision challenges may affect one’s ability to drive and lead to social isolation. Cancer, strokes and heart problems make seniors feel hopeless. Health problems can feel overwhelming and drugs and alcohol allows one to escape from the rigors of them.
Chronic Pain. It’s very common for those with chronic pain to become addicted to prescription drugs.
Financial Challenges. This is a risk factor for substance abuse at any age but especially for the elderly who may not be prepared for medical and nursing home bills.
Sleep Problems. Sleep can be a struggle for many. Maybe it’s caused by age, health problems, loss of a partner or purpose, family conflict, relocation, or anxiety. Doctors are often quick to prescribe medications to help people fall asleep. But certain sleep pills can be addictive. Some elderly choose to self-medicate with over-the-counter sleep aids, prescription painkillers or alcohol.
Unintended Abuse. Memory challenges and cognitive decline make it hard for older adults to keep track of medications. They take them too often or in a larger dose than prescribed. It is common to inadvertently take medications incorrectly, increasing the risk of developing an addiction and dependence.
Signs & Symptoms
Substance abuse in the elderly is often hard to identify, especially if the person is always homebound.
Some of the signs of substance abuse mirror signs of aging, making it difficult to recognize if there is an issue, or its extent. Also, medications that many elderly take may mask or mimic substance abuse symptoms.
General health and mental conditions increase as one ages, creating the need for greater prescription drug usage. The Psychiatric Times estimates that a quarter of all prescription drugs in the USA are sold to the elderly, and close to 11 percent of this group may abuse these medications.
Those with abuse issues feel ashamed and try to hide their addiction.
Their adult children ignore the issue, disbelieving mom or dad could be an alcoholic or drug addict at this point in their adult life.
Elder substance abuse then nearly becomes an invisible problem.
Experts say these are the most common indicators of substance abuse in the elderly:
Secretive and solitary drinking habits
Slurred speech and repeated falls
Sudden and drastic change in appearance and hygiene
Hostile and aggressive behaviors, irritability
Unexplained burns and bruises
Drinking despite warnings on prescription containers
Onset of depression or anxiety; panic attacks
Fatigue or weakness; sleep problems or sleeping during the day
Memory loss, confusion and forgetfulness, especially of date, time and place
Giving up interests and hobbies once enjoyed
Chronic health complaints not linked to obvious health problems
Loss of appetite or changes in eating habits
Losing touch with loved ones
Unable to complete activities of daily living (ADLs)
Consequences
Drugs and alcohol worsen lung and heart problems and exasperate memory issues and mood disorders.
Alcohol abuse puts older people at greater risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, liver and bone problems and memory and mood disorders.
Impaired judgment, reaction time and lack of coordination resulting from drug and alcohol use often result in accidents like falls and vehicular crashes.
It leads to greater isolation. The one abusing substances self isolates or (s)he offends family and friends, causing greater isolation.
What to Do
Little research exists on the best models of care for older adults abusing substances.
Research that is available shows that even a brief intervention by a physician or other healthcare provider can reduce drinking levels.
If you are concerned about a loved one who may be suffering from elderly alcoholism or addiction, talk to them about their habits. Be prepared. They may be embarrassed by their problems and refuse to admit they have an issue. Because of the stigma of addiction, they might believe it’s a private matter and not be willing to openly talk to you about it.
Since many older adults do not recognize the need for addiction treatment, an intervention from family, treatment professionals and/or medical professionals is vital.
Research does show
Treatment with others their age is most effective.
Older adults are compliant with treatment and have better outcomes than younger addicts.
Longer duration of care for this population results in better outcomes.
A focus on re-building support networks is vital to preventing relapse.
Since detox and withdrawal are very hard on the body, elderly addicts with serious medical conditions are best treated in a local hospital before transferring to a treatment center.
Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.
References
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2019). Results from the 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Detailed tables. Rockville, MD: Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/data/
Chatre S, Cook R, Mallik E et al. Trends in substance use admissions among older adults. BMC Health Services Research. 2017; 584(17). doi: https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-017-2538-z
Colliver JD, Compton WM, Gfroerer JC, Condon T. Projecting drug use among aging baby boomers in 2020. Annals of Epidemiology. 2006; 16(4): 257–265.
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. (2015). Alcohol, Drug Dependence and Seniors.
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. (2015). Alcohol, Drug Dependence and Seniors.
Many rejoiced! Covid was over. Life was getting back to ‘normal’.
Or, so it was thought until the recent Delta variant crept back into the everyday news cycle.
For a few brief months, when all believed this nasty virus was tamed with vaccines, Americans delighted in seeing families coming together again to celebrate and reconnect.
What Will We Do Differently?
While we all tepidly approach our public lives again it’s time to pause a bit and ask what was learned during the pandemic.
At Craft LifeStyle Management we see children finally getting back into their parent’s homes. Grandchildren into grandparent homes and neighbors into older friend’s homes.
Some of what is found and reported is heartbreaking.
Real Life Story
Recently we were asked by an out-of-state family member to enter their father’s local home. Of course, they’d been frequently visiting with him via telephone during the pandemic since he was unable to manage other modern communications.
He always sounded good on the phone-laughing, joking and openly reporting what he’d eaten. He claimed he had no problem getting up and down the stairs and that his laundry was being done. Much laughter was had when he told a story about stained clothing from all of the cooking he’d been doing.
The out-of-state family had groceries delivered. A family friend about their dad’s age regularly checked on him by calling and driving by.
Everyone was doing their best to keep dad safe since he has cancer and COPD.
Here’s what was really going on during COVID times.
Dad lied. Or, perhaps didn’t want to alarm, or bother, anyone.
The Truth
The family received their vaccines and confirmed dad had his. “Yup, all taken care of.”
They came to visit-all excited to hug and see each other.
To their dismay and heartbreak, when they arrived at the family home, it was nothing like their anticipated “Norman Rockwell family gathering.”
It was pure sorrow.
He was not washing clothes or cleaning. He was depressed and lonely.
He was not eating well.
Sure, the groceries were delivered; however, he didn’t want to cook. Instead, he ate all processed food and snacks. Thank goodness he had access to these even if they were mostly unhealthy.
Dad was unable to get up and down the stairs where his bed was. Instead, he was sleeping, eating and basically surviving on the couch.
The family took him directly to the emergency room 40 minutes away. He was not admitted but was given liquids and sent home.
Outcome
Dad is now living with his out-of-state family. He is not happy about having to abruptly leave him home, causing another level of depression.
The family is trying their best to figure this out.
What Learned
Telephone calls, Zoom meetings and Facebook messages cannot take the place of in-person interactions. The pandemic highlighted the fact that many older people are not familiar, or comfortable, with the latest technology and struggle to make meaningful contact with loved ones.
Parents have a habit of sheltering their children from bad news.
There is an increased awareness of taking care of one’s mental health. Globally, the impact on mental health from the pandemic has been devastating. There will be no “normal” way to adjust and re-acclimate to life after the events of this past year. A Kaiser Family Foundation poll reported that up to 45 percent of adults experienced negative mental health effects due to the pandemic – and an even higher percentage in those who serve as family caregivers for older senior loved ones.
Retirees are experiencing a role reversal. During the pandemic parents were getting instructions from their children. “Don’t leave the house. Order groceries online. Watch church services on your computer, etc.” Many are trying to understand what these roles look like post pandemic.
Easing back into the real world can be hard. Regaining physical strength and emotional resilience are necessary to thrive in this new post pandemic world. Most were living in fear and isolation for so long it’s hard not to want to emerge fully confident and active. However, after months of inactivity and diet changes, and likely lost muscle mass, it’s best to take it slow to adjust to this still uncertain world.
Adult children gained insight about their own retirements and how they want to age. Where would they want to live during a pandemic? Are they financially prepared? Would they be able to support themselves in an economic downturn?
Families are discussing adapting their houses and lifestyle to have their parents share a home with them.
Senior-living industry is adapting to this upheaval, planning for the future. Some have moved isolation units to the main floor instead of upper floors, allowing for access to the outdoors for fresh air and sunshine. Many placed clear panels in doorways so residents could see and talk safely to visitors. Future buildings will likely have smaller groups of units in the building rather than several dozen units down a long hallway. Even the HVAC systems are being re-thought-circulating air over smaller areas. And, communal dining and group activities will now likely be reinvented and done in smaller groups.
For over three decades Craft LifeStyle Management has supported families through death and dying. We offer comfort care for those transitioning from this earth to death and assist in healthy family reorganization after the death.
This is always an intensely emotional time. We urge patience, forgiveness and compassion along with open communication and acceptance during this time, and always.
Remember to also give yourself grace. You are not required to argue or feel bad for the decisions you have made for your loved one. In our experience, more times than not, the family member being the ‘worst’ has done the least.
If you are going through this process with a loved one and your family, know we care about you.
The way one learns about death and dying, or experiences it, affects how one reacts to it. Teaching or talking about these often-taboo subjects is helpful at any age. NOTE: Letting your loved ones know the way you’d like to experience the dying process is a gift. Share your wants and wishes aloud, or at a minimum in writing.
No two family members approach the dying process, death or grief in the same manner. Some will embrace what is happening. Others simply cannot accept it. HINT: Sometimes it seems impossible to connect with and support one another because a family member’s behavior seems unrecognizable at the moment. Give one another space and allow emotions to settle. Avoid being verbally insulted or belittled because someone is not able to handle their own emotions at the moment. Typically, over time, all eventually return to their ‘normal’ selves.
Family members who live out of the area often feel tremendous guilt about not being there to help. Others who live in the same community as the deceased may continue to allow their grudges and hurt to interfere with compassion and empathy. They may avoid the dying person altogether.
It’s not unusual for the primary caretaker to resent other family members for “not carrying their weight” during this time.
Support for one another is far superior to allowing tensions to drive you and your family apart during this difficult time. NOTE: It’s likely the wedges were present many years prior to a death in the family. This process only brought them to the forefront again.
Stress of caretaking and grief impacts one’s immune system. HINT: It’s so important to take care of oneself while caring for others and grieving a loss.
Death sometimes does bring out the worst in families. Sadly, some families fight over funeral arrangements, material possessions and money during the dying process and/or after a death, causing compounded grief and permanent separation. HINT: Keep in mind grief can cause reasonable people to sometimes act unreasonable, especially if they have guilt or unresolved issues with their dying family member. Practice a bit of patience and a lot of forgiveness. Consider that the best option may be to excuse yourself and walk away. Understand there may be too many emotions at the moment to sort through. Peace and calm always win.
A child often steps in and takes the role of the deceased parent. Or, the siblings place the role of the deceased one on one of their siblings causing more stress and burden. Sometimes this is welcomed; other times it causes resentment in either situation. Be aware of this and do your best as a family to cope.
Religious values and death rituals like graveside services or Christian Mass or service offer comfort and normalcy to grieving families. Schedule these, even if it seems nearly impossible to go through them. NOTE: Services and funerals are for the living. Pre-planning these takes so much stress and yes, fighting, off of loved ones. If this was not done, gather as a family. Allow each person to state what they think the deceased wanted. Letting each completely share their thoughts will bring some resolution between each sibling and all of the shared options. There will be some overlap that will help immensely in creating this sorrowful final plan.
There is absolutely NO timeline associated with grief. NOTE: This is so important to understand. One may immediately fall apart. Another may be stone cold. No one knows how they will react until they are in the situation. It is also true that you may react quite differently with each loved one who passes. Again, give yourself grace to handle your own journey and extend that grace to others as well.
Mother’s Day elevates the importance of this role and can be especially painful for anyone experiencing the death or absence of a mother in their life.
While cards are bought, flowers delivered and gifts given, there are those who grieve for something they do not feel or experience, or maybe never had-a bond with their mother.
Unrelatable
Those in loving close relationships with their mothers, especially within the same family, find it difficult to understand that the opposite can be true.
In fact, they may alienate, or be mad at, a sibling estranged from their mother. They cannot comprehend the hurt, secrecy and shame of being on the outside of the family unit and that collective bond. They may also feel the favoritism but not know how to change it. They can’t. No one can.
There is no grasp on the deep scars and hurt from being rejected by their shared mother.
It simply doesn’t mirror their own personal experience. Nor, does it fit the universal mother myth–that all mothers love their children.
Focus
Researchers have long studied parental absence, neglect and abandonment on the family dynamic. Considerable research also exists on what happens to a family structure when a mother dies, at any age.
For those whose mothers have died, solace may be found in reading Hope Edelman’s book of comfort, help and understanding when a mother dies- “Motherless Daughters.” Motherless Daughters | Hope Edelman
This piece focuses only on mother’s who are emotionally absent from their daughters’ lives, subsequent effects of that and ways to heal from the rejection.
It does not cover neglectful mothers who, themselves, were raised by loving, supportive mothers. This subject will be covered in a future post.
What is an Emotionally Absent Mother?
Definitions
Emotional Intelligence: Ability to use our feelings to inform our thoughts.
Emotionally Absent Mothers: Unaware and insensitive to emotional experience of their children.
Who is She?
Emotionally absent mothers are too busy, stressed out or self-absorbed to see who a daughter really is. This sort of mother doesn’t even realize being emotionally present is a critical role she should play.
Instead, she treats all of her children the same, never seeing each for their unique interests and characteristics.
She provides for the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter but emotional needs such as acceptance, validation and unconditional love aren’t given.
Feelings are never acknowledged or spoken about. And, if the daughter dares express an emotion or feeling, she may hear harsh responses from her mother like, “Get over yourself.” Or, “So and so has it much more difficult than you do,” and “Stop being so weak, needy and sensitive.”
In managing her daily family life, an emotionally absent mother may have neglected, or been absent from the lives of, her child(ren) whom she saw as stronger. She may not have even realized they still needed her to listen to and understand them.
At the time, it’s sort of a compliment to the “strong” child but it has lifelong emotional consequences.
In her book Running on Empty, Dr. Jonice Webb offers help in identifying feelings and suggests healthy ways for expressing emotions to those who were never taught this as children. Running On Empty By Dr. Jonice Webb | Dr. Jonice Webb
She shares that daughters of emotionally absent mothers often believe, and act, like their feelings don’t matter; therefore, “I don’t matter.” These daughters learn, at an early age, to bottle up, or stuff, their feelings and have no tools or experience to tap into them as an adult.
Dr. Webb writes, “When your emotions are blocked off, your body feels it. Something vital is missing. You sense this deeply, and it does not feel good. You are emotionally numb.”
Consequences
When feelings are discounted, we get discounted.
Many learn it’s not safe to share their inner world, so they numb themselves with alcohol, food, drugs and work to distract themselves from unwanted emotions. They put on a suit of emotionless armor every day so they are protected from hurt and rejection.
Daughters of emotionally absent mothers find it extremely challenging to build healthy adult relationships, especially with other females. There is a lack of trust and fear of abandonment. They become armored, wary and defensive. They feel too ashamed to share why they act and react like they do.
Not feeling seen, accepted and loved unconditionally results in daughters feeling unsure of themselves and doubting if they deserve to be valued for who they are.
There is consistent self-worth doubt and anxiety around internal issues. “Am I lovable?”
A longing to feel loved, which was denied as a child, often results in looking to form intense bonds quickly, which can scare off intimate partners who do not understand the origin of this needy behavior.
Many daughters feel like orphans. They fear abandonment and lack trust in others. She can’t reach out to the mother or her siblings for comfort and support. This may result in acceptance of loneliness and complete self-reliance in one’s life.
The emotional pain of rejection from either parent, or both, has considerable long-lasting effects on a child’s personality. Unlike physical pain, this pain is relived repeatedly for years.
It may show up in the child at any age with low self-esteem and high self-doubt feeling:
Anxiety
Insecurity
Numbness
Closed Off
Emptiness
Loneliness
Unlovable
Invisible
Misunderstood
Hostility
10 Ways to Begin Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother
Motherless daughters feel persistent grief for many years, some forever. But this loss peaks when the daughter experiences milestones in her own life where she’d benefit from mothering herself. Moments like child delivery, child rearing, health crises and marital challenges.
There are ways to heal from a mother’s emotional neglect through knowledge, understanding and action.
These include:
Her
Find a substitute mother role model. There are many excellent examples of emotionally available mothers, perhaps within one’s own extended family. Seek someone who is emotionally responsive, nurturing, unselfish and emotionally open. Make sure you can go to her with any emotion, not just the happy ones.
Practice acceptance and forgiveness. Understand your mother’s limitations. She may not have had the tools and experience to mother you based on her own history. Accepting this paucity will give you peace as you seek counsel and comfort from someone else. Avoid turning back to her for emotional support, which she is likely incapable of giving you. Find peace by letting go of the need for your mother’s validation. Stop waiting for her to admit she failed you and caused you suffering. Move forward.
Set realistic expectations. Quit waiting for your emotionally absent mother to take an interest in you and your life, or even to love you. People are consistent. She will act as a grandparent as she did as a parent. Don’t be disappointed when she has no curiosity about your children, her grandchildren, either. Don’t speak bad about her in front of your children. Instead, be fully present and show that change is possible without trying to change others.
Accept that your mother will favor, and be more comfortable with, your siblings who didn’t, and don’t, require her to be emotionally present. Be aware and okay with the fact that she may not want to spend time alone with you. She most likely knows that she lacks the ability to give you the intimacy you so desire and is very uncomfortable, perhaps even making herself sick, when you’re present.
Distance yourself from your mother and put limitations on your interactions by finding a way that honors you. For instance, a 30-minute call one time a month or visiting her only when others are present. Accept that your strong wish to have a close mother-daughter relationship will never happen. Be at peace and focus on your own career, family and life.
You
Approve of yourself. Make yourself a priority. Believe you are worthy of the effort to get to know yourself. Be okay with self-care. Give yourself permission to feel. Don’t deny your own feelings or be afraid to express them as you were taught as a child. Advocate for yourself as you would for your child. Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat healthy. Journal. Quiet your mind. Read. Meditate. Be present with yourself. Do your best. Forgive yourself.
Establish reciprocal friendships that are fun but yet deep and meaningful and where your feelings are heard, understood and valued. Learn to identify and express your needs and wants. Be patient. Accept that you are still in the process of learning what you want, more less asking for it.
Focus on your own family (or family of friends). If you have children, start a new pattern by being a safe place for your children’s emotions. Help them name the feeling and seek ways to deal with them. Listen. Be comfortable even with their uncomfortable feelings like anger, frustration, fear and sadness. Try to stay present and focus on the many blessings in your life, including your children, not the love and attention you missed from your mother.
Seek therapy with a professional trained in estrangement and abandonment. Or, talk to yourself by writing out your experiences and feelings to get clarification and contentment. Finding another woman with a similar experience to share your thoughts and feelings with is also helpful.
Work on building your confidence and self-esteem by setting goals, working hard to achieve them, and celebrating when you do. Your self-confidence will grow when you “impress yourself.” Become an authority on your own life.
As great spiritual teacher and life coach Iyanla Vanzant Home – Iyanla Vanzant | New York Times Best-Selling Author says, “You don’t get to tell people how to love you or how to love. You get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they are loving you.”
Finally, recognize that this journey of understanding and acceptance of an emotionally absent mother is not easy nor straight-lined. Be patient and kind to yourself, knowing you have value, are loved and deserving of inner peace.
Denise’s Insight
This subject matter is quite difficult because it is rarely spoken of and there are so many layers to it. It’s sort of taboo. Yet, it exists.
I’m not writing about it to be controversial. Rather, since it’s near Mother’s Day and we always have clients struggling with this issue, I wanted to share our perspective and experience with this touchy, very complicated, subject.
As you read the post, maybe you even thought to yourself, “Oh, my goodness! This is how I grew up.” Perhaps you even thought this was ‘normal.’
It isn’t. And, it becomes very challenging when an emotionally absent mother has declining health and the daughter feels obligated to care for her.
This is where Craft LifeStyle Management steps in with our 3+ decades of experience to assist in ensuring your mother receives the care she needs while protecting your soul as well. If you’re in need of help, contact us. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)
My precious daughter and grandbabies.
On a personal note, when I grow up, I want to be just like my daughter, Summer, who has two children of her own.
I recently asked her if she learned to be such a great mother by watching me and learning what not to do. She responded with, “NO!”
Thank you for that, sweet Summer! Happy Mother’s Day to you!
It’s not a secret I personally grew up with an emotionally absent mother. We lost her to Alzheimer’s, starting 10 years prior to her death April 2020. The last six years she was here on earth but her mind was not. It truly was a blessing when she passed.
I understand this subject matter. I am here to support you!
We have found in our 30+ years in the industry that prayer, faith and spirituality are important to most of our clients. Overwhelmingly, we know a kind, caring soul is exactly this, in any faith setting.
Craft LifeStyle Management has worked with clients from almost every religion/faith. We love learning and following every detail to ensure our clients can comfortably and peacefully continue practicing their faith/spirituality in whatever setting they are in.
We are a judgement-free company. We each have our own individual faith backgrounds and are happy to hear about, and accommodate, yours.
Your faith background never enters our decision to work with you.
Here is what we’ve learned and observed through time.
Definition
The term “Religion” used here is derived from the Latin religare, meaning to “tie or bind.” In other words, religious communities (Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Jewish, Buddhist, etc.), are tied or bound by shared beliefs.
Religion as a Habit
Does growing older make one more religious?
Scholars debate this. Some argue that as one thinks about his own mortality and does a major life review, he is drawn toward religion or spirituality.
Others say that if someone practices a certain religion throughout his life, this practice continues as he ages. Maybe his faith even grows deeper with maturity since aging influences our interactions with life.
At Craft LifeStyle Management, we have found clients who’ve changed their faith over their life find peace in referring back to the different religions and examining the similarities.
Following the practices of one’s church seems to be a life-long habit for many of our clients. In other words, they practiced what they were taught in their childhood homes throughout their lives.
This doesn’t mean; however, if you weren’t a churchgoer or religious before identifying as a senior citizen that you can’t explore it now. You certainly can. It’s never too late to learn something new.
Most faith communities would likely welcome you regardless of where you are in your faith journey.
Religion Benefits
There are many benefits to being part of a faith-based community. These include:
Social Support. A church community is a tremendous source of social support for many senior citizens. They not only attend weekly services but also participate greatly in other church sponsored organized events like Bible studies and day trips or tours. And, retirees often fill a majority of volunteer duties within their churches. Interacting with peers while volunteering for a good cause is a Win! Win! It’s proven to cut down on loneliness and depression.
Purpose. Joining and actively participating in a church provides a much-needed sense of meaning or purpose in one’s life. By this time most retirees have completed their professional quests, and, if they had children, are empty-nesters. Rather than sit at home and brood about a life gone by, joining and participating in a faith-based community provides PURPOSE-a reason to get up each morning.
Mental Health. Regardless of denomination, faith and religion provide a positive and hopeful approach to life. This attitude is especially important when facing illness and coping with the loss of a spouse or close friends.
Peace. Faith-specific guidance, care and practices are extremely important to devoutly religious people, especially when they are battling a terminal illness or nearing death. This faith-specific attention by a religious person offers comfort and peace in a time of great need.
10 Ways Faith-Based Communities Can Help Senior Citizens
Here are some tips and suggestions for places of worship to consider to make regular church attendance safer and easier for senior citizens.
1. Provide transportation to the community for worship and fellowship.
2. Ensure accessibility for canes, wheelchairs and walkers, including in the restrooms.
3. Provide a sound system that is easily heard regardless of seating location.
4. Make anything that must be read large enough to be read. For instance, hymn numbers.
5. Provide large print bulletins and Order of Worship publications
6. Have amplified hearing devices available.
7. Reserve seating for those with limited mobility and diminished hearing.
8. Easily identify restroom locations.
9. Establish a ministry for shut-ins: Scheduled visits, telephone calls, mailings, prayer cards, etc. [Churches must be vigilant and thorough in screening any parishioner going into another’s home.]
10. Live video stream worship services and connect small church groups using the Internet. Offer technical support during the early stages.
Denise’s Insight
It’s really important that our team understands what our client’s value and what may be missing from their lives.
Here’s one client story about faith and re-building relationships.
Our client had not talked to his three children since his wife died over a decade ago.
Each of the children had changed or modified their religion, causing much aggravation for their father. He had failing health when we were hired.
He spoke about his three kids all the time, but with anger and hurt about their leaving the church and its beliefs. He truly loved and missed them but couldn’t get over their decisions about religion.
It was so sorrowful that religion kept the kids away. It always turned into a fight. Once their mother passed, they were done!
Craft LifeStyle Management has worked with this client now for three years.
We are delighted that he is now interacting with two of his three children and his grandchildren.
Our goal was not to bring anyone back to another’s beliefs. Instead, our goal was for him to have somewhat of a relationship to heal each of their hearts. Each, in their own way, is such a kind and loving soul!
It has been as simple as finding conversations that keep the peace, or determining what topic is ‘off the table.’
They do not see one another every week-more like once a month-for a few hours at a time.
It is going great.
Granted, our client will say, “They don’t stay long enough,” or “Only one of my grandkids came this time.”
But he ALWAYS has a smile on his face and talks about what they did.
We offer suggestions based on years of experience and understanding our client and his family dynamics.
One of his kids can’t stay in the house. “It’s Dad’s turf.” Or, it angers him. So, we suggested he pick up Dad for a picnic lunch at one of the adult grandchildren’s homes. This is now their “go to” method.
It may only be for an hour or so, but considering it’s been 10 years, this has brought peace and calm to the family, and to our client.
2021 has gone by so quickly. The first quarter of the year is nearly over already.
So much attention is given to New Year’s Resolutions. A time of optimism and hope. A time to restart-to begin anew.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Personally, I’m not very good with following through on those resolutions. And, I hear I’m not alone. (Wink. Wink.)
I began 2020 calling it my year of “vision and clarity”. Well, it turned out it was more a year of seeing and watching how all of us would cope with and get through the unexpected COVID Pandemic.
We coped. We are strong souls.
For my Spring 2021 I’m calling it my “Plus One” – I still have the Vision and clarity but One Extra Bonus-We don’t have to do it alone!
Springtime Why
My personal favorite time of the year for awakening and recharging is Spring. It’s a beautiful season.
I love it when snow starts melting and the birds start chirping. I do love winter and the snow also; however, the anticipation of NEW fills me with energy, wonderment and excitement.
Each spring I look forward to watching the birds come back and make nests in the same places.
Witnessing new birth is awesome.
I enjoy seeing flowers start to bloom. I marvel at the critters scurrying around.
There is just a certain energy I receive from each of these wonders of seasonal transition.
Winter 2021 presented us at Craft LifeStyle Management our share of sorrowful client stories and crisis clients – more intense than usual.
We have experienced unbelievable obstacles and nearly insurmountable challenges while finding a healing plan of action for our souls’ futures. Each needed our help more than ever.
Was it the long, cold winter with Covid that caused so much seclusion? Or, was it the pride of our elder clients who were telling their kids “we are fine,” but clearly weren’t?
Was it just coincidental timing when parents/grandparents, taking care of their special needs children, reached their limit and decided they can’t do it any longer?
We don’t know the answers. We never will.
We just know how to come up with solutions to efficiently solve so many safety, dignity and health concerns.
Granted some days are more challenging than others. But the Craft LifeStyle Management team keeps going until a solution for whatever the challenge is has been put in place.
The Craft LifeStyle Management team is deeply appreciative of seeing light, hope and healing for each of the souls who came to us in crisis over Winter 2021.
We want it always to feel like “Spring” for them for whatever time they have left here on this earth.
I hope your 2021 spring feels more alive and healing than all of ours from 2020.
Most folks desire a deep connection, including seniors who may still long for companionship and someone to fall in love with.
How to Find a New Love
How does one go about finding love again if (s)he hasn’t dated in decades?
Many will quickly advise using the Internet. In addition to safely using Internet dating sites, you may also like to try
Friends and Family Referrals-The often-dreaded blind dates. Your friends and family know you best. Don’t automatically refuse. Try it. Take the stress off yourself by starting small. Meet for coffee or a stroll in a public park-an hour or less. You each decide afterwards if you want to spend more time together.
Neighborhood Socials-Don’t be a wallflower. Mix, smile and connect. Maybe you aren’t fond of groups. Ask a friend to join you but don’t hide behind him/her. Commit to talking with others. It’s quite possible you have a lot in common with your neighbors. HINT: During COVID many have been isolated. Perhaps you can start a driveway gathering where neighbors bring their own beverages and a lawn chair. Everyone social distances while being social. Connecting is always good for one’s soul, but especially during the Pandemic.
Church or Synagogue Activities-Join a small group and attend events.
Out and About at the dog park, coffee shop, museum, wine tastings, bookstore, theatre, gym, public park, etc. Don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation. HINT: Today it’s okay for women to make the first move. Learn to flirt again. Remember, no one will come and ring your doorbell. You have to put some effort into making and keeping friends. Think about what your interests and hobbies are and then do them. Engage with your community. Read to children at the library. Volunteer in city parks. Build birdhouses for state parks. Just do something.
Past Connections-Social Media sites like LinkedIn and Facebook help make this so much easier today. Is there someone from your high school class who may have lost a spouse that you’d like to re-connect with? How about a former work colleague or a cousin? Find them online and start chatting. Or, pick up your telephone and call. They are likely to appreciate the reconnection as much as you do.
Remember, LOVE is not only received from another adult.
Children, grandchildren and friends are also sources of companionship, deep love and meaningful connection.
HINT: Don’t always expect your children and grandchildren to call first. Make the effort to reach out and stay connected. You are happy to hear from them when they call. It’s the same the other way around too.
Pets also make great companions if you have the ability and time to care for them. HINT: If you have a dog, it’s a great reason to go to the dog park and meet other owners.
And, remember, being in love and having companionship may result in a happier and healthier life.
Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.
Denise Craft founded Craft Lifestyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of aging, veterans, special needs adults and those in rehab during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless.
Please contact Craft LifeStyle Management for all of your transitional needs.
Yet, talk of it is nearly removed from everyday life.
Death is difficult to think about, more less talk about.
We are afraid of it.
Discussing death reminds us of our own mortality.
It feels quite uncertain.
Many parts of dying are not beautiful.
Death is medicalized.
Older people are often placed in nursing homes and sick people in hospitals.
The subject is completely avoided.
Even doctors are trained to save lives not discuss death.
Talking about death and dying often causes anxiety and discomfort.
We don’t know what to say, or what to do.
Silently Wonder
Still, if we are facing an expected death, we silently question and wonder
Are we prepared for leaving-spiritually, financially, and emotionally?
What is dying like?
How we will cope while dying?
Have we accomplished all we’d like before dying?
Will those we leave behind be okay?
How loved ones will react to the way we’d like to die and be memorialized.
What kind of legacy are we leaving?
Will we be missed?
So many thoughts and questions left unaddressed.
Why stay so emotionally isolated?
Why not reframe death from being scary, desolate and bleak to being noble, brave and honest?
It was Benjamin Franklin, who in 1789, prophetically stated “…In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”
Life Review
The reality of life is that death is our constant companion. It is part of living.
Understanding this brings death and dying back into its natural place in the cycle of life. It also may abruptly affect how you wish to continue living. That’s okay. We each have limited time and resources. We should use them wisely.
The first step is to do a bit of self-discovery and reflection.
In other words, do a life review. Start recording significant events or moments from your life.
Are there consistent themes?
Note your greatest accomplishments, and failures, and what you remember or learned from each. These notes can become part of your legacy.
Are there life lessons you’d like to pass on, especially to your children? Record these by writing them down or creating a video.
Do you need to seek forgiveness from anyone or forgive someone? Is now the time?
End of Life Plan
Being brave enough to do a life review and have difficult, but meaningful, conversations will allow you to leave your way and on your terms, while creating the experience you wish to have.
You are also providing peace of mind for loved ones who now fully know your wishes and plan.
NOTE: Be sure your plan is well documented. Share the plan aloud with loved ones and let someone know where you are safely keeping the written document. Be sure to periodically review and update it, if needed.
Ask Yourself: If you could design your own death, what would the experience be like and how would you feel?
How do you want to leave?
Describe your last months and days.
What kind of sensory experience do you desire? Do you want music playing? If so, what type? Do you prefer silence? Should someone read to you? If so, what and whom? Do you want to be touched? By whom and how?
Who do you want present, or not present, when you die?
Do you want to be anointed?
At the time of death, do you want your body immediately removed or do you want it to lay still for a certain time period?
Do you want to be cremated or buried?
How do you wish to be remembered?
Do you want a published obituary? Have you written it?
Do you want a funeral service or a celebration of life?
NOTE: You may find while answering these questions that the way you want to die is really about how you also want to live.
Gather, Listen & Share
Once you’ve finished your life review and drafted a plan for your ending, bravely gather your loved ones and share your thoughts, feelings and fears with them in a meaningful way.
Present your exit plan created by answering questions like those above.
Acknowledge the discomfort up front.
Understand that some loved ones may opt out of the gathering.
Talking about your dying and death is just too much for them right now.
That’s okay.
Make sure they can tell you in private about their fears and their inability to attend. Offer to meet with them separately when they are ready, if ever.
Ask those gathered
How will you remember me?
What scares you most about my dying?
Do you have concerns about my not being here?
What questions do you want to ask me that you haven’t asked before?
Is there a role you’d like to play in my dying and then at my funeral and/or celebration of life?
What can I do to relieve any anxiety or fear you may have about my dying?
Is there anything you’d like to do together in my last days here?
Hospice & End-of-Life Doulas
Those with terminal illness and their loved ones often become familiar with hospice. There’s an emerging field to offer additional support near the end of one’s life: End-of-Life Doulas.
Here’s a brief description of each with links for more information.
Hospice Care
According to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization NHPCO, modern hospice began around 1948 in London as a place where people could go to be comforted while dying from an illness.
The first modern hospice in the US was founded in 1974, and the Medicare Hospice Benefit was introduced in the 1980s.
Hospice care is
Approved by Medicare, thus free to anyone aged 65+
Designated care for anyone with a terminal illness
Ordered by two physicians who certify the patient is terminally ill
Focused on reducing pain and suffering without removing the cause of it
End-of-Life Doula is a relatively new service. Many know doulas to be a woman who helps another woman through the birthing process.
An End-of-Life Doula brings someone to the end of life. She puts them at peace and comfort by providing personal companionship. She provides emotional, personal and practical support to the patient, family and caregivers.
The Doula will ensure a patient does not die alone. She will journey with them in their 11th hour and be a witness to the dying and death, especially if a hospice program does not have an 11th Hour volunteer program or the patient has no one beside them.
Non-medical support role—a companion
Does not replace hospice care; adjunct to hospice team
Reinforces a hospice plan of care
Loving companionship with end-of-life knowledge
Generally, do not do personal care
Do not do medication administration
Most are not chaplains, social workers, or therapists. They are companions-people who will journey with you.
Allow loved ones to accompany you to the door of death.
Let go together with comfort knowing you left your way
with your wishes being met.
Resources
You don’t need to start from scratch to begin the process of talking about death and dying. There are plenty of tools available to encourage and guide these discussion and actions.
Churches and funeral homes offer free booklets to complete indicating your wishes and consolidating your vital information. This pre-planning allows you to make informed decisions while you still can and reduces stress for your loved ones upon your death. These booklets include everything from desired scripture readings to cemetery arrangements to loved one’s contact information to insurance and financial information, etc. Examples include: Home – Family Love LetterPlanning Guide – Catholic Cemeteries Omaha
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Linda Leier Thomason writes freelance business and travel stories along with feature articles. Her work experience includes a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Read more about her background and qualifications by clicking on the “Meet Linda” tab above.
Do you have a story idea or interesting person who’d be a great feature?
2020 will go down in my lifetime as one of the most challenging years ever. I don’t need to list the reasons. We all know why.
Regardless of what we are bringing into 2021, we get to start anew.
Let’s approach 2021 with a renewed spirit-one of gratitude.
Let’s leave the guilt and grief behind.
You With Me?
Guilt
Guilt is a harsh and powerful emotion.
We see it almost daily on the faces of clients, family members and the caretakers. We often hear it in the stories they share, many filled with regret.
Among other ways, guilt shows up as anxiety, frustration, humiliation, anger, depression and low self-esteem and self-worth.
It has consequences on our bodies and our minds.
Ask Yourself
Are you beating yourself up?
Do you expect too much from yourself and others?
Are you afraid to say, “No”?
Do you feel regretful about how you’ve used your time, especially “family time?”
Have you caused divisiveness in the family?
Have you allowed your family to become fractured?
Are you struggling to shake off ‘mistakes’ or unpopular decisions from younger years?
Did you plan special events and intentionally omit certain family members? Have you explained yourself, or apologized?
Are you still allowing others to shame you for yesterday’s choices?
Do you do things today simply because you still feel guilty?
Are you guilt ridden?
Now is the time to honestly answer these questions and own up to the responses.
Acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Make amends, if possible, and move on from one G word-GUILT- to living a life in 2021 of another G word- GRATITUDE.
Gratitude
Simply put, gratitude means being thankful or grateful.
Gratitude is a much healthier approach to your life and your interaction with others, including your family.
Choosing to live a life of daily gratitude also affects our minds and bodies, but in positive ways.
Researchers have found living a life of gratitude improves our physical and mental health. It even allows us to get a better night’s sleep. Who doesn’t want this?
In 2021, I encourage you to think about gratitude and its place in your daily life.
Here are 5 simple ways to start practicing gratitude in your life
Awaken each day acknowledging one thing you are thankful for. Write it down in a journal. If you’re not a writer, doodle or draw it. Let the journal be a source of comfort on tough days as you reread your entries.
Write notes of appreciation to those who’ve made a real positive impact on your life.
Volunteer. Making time to help others is a wonderful thing. NOTE: Keep in mind that sometimes we need to help ourselves too without feeling guilty. Self-care is okay.
Make a list of people who really matter in your life. Renew friendships. Commit to spending time with them. NOTE: This is truly one of my favorite things. An hour with friends you haven’t seen in a long time is a wonderful recharge. Sharing what life has given us, helps. Humor also helps. There’s no guilt in laughter!
Go outdoors. Appreciate the beauty of nature. Awaken your senses. Live in the moment and take it all in! Maybe even capture a few photographs to remember the awesomeness of your outdoor adventure.
Denise’s Insight
My career at Craft LifeStyle Management has allowed me to work with untold numbers of clients and their families as they transition from one stage of life to the other.
If we’ve done our jobs right, we are sort of extended family when our role is completed.
We hear the stories. See the interactions. We feel the sorrow and the joy, and always, the loss.
Those who thrive through transition approach it with a deep sense of gratitude for reaching this milestone. They acknowledge and appreciate their support system, be that family members or others.
They awaken daily recognizing what a gift it is to be present and to share in the joys of the day.
This is what I wish for you in 2021-a year of living with gratitude, peace and joy.
