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How to Get Your Elderly Relatives to Talk to You

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays where families of many generations customarily gather. Initially we plan for that “Norman Rockwell” gathering where there is much joy and delight in seeing everyone. Hugs and kisses are exchanged. Then afterwards, it is not uncommon for age groups to naturally split off. Afterall, as people we gravitate toward those most like us.

This upcoming holiday season, I’m proposing a shift in this age group splitting. I’m advocating for encouraging younger generations to spend time with the senior members of their families. There is much to be learned from their insight, wisdom and stories.

Overcome Challenges

Talking to seniors can be challenging. Some seniors can start to have difficulty speaking, listening, and processing information which all affect their ability to communicate. Some older adults appear to not want to participate in conversations, especially in a group.

Please understand their reasons for not participating. It likely isn’t because they are older and don’t’ know what is going on. For instance, if the older adult has hearing aids, group background noise causes them to turn the hearing aids down so not to hurt their ears. This defeats the purpose of being in the group.

Or the person doesn’t have hearing aids and should. If they are consistently asking, “What did you say?” or say, “Speak up!” these are clues that their hearing should be evaluated, and hearing aids are likely needed.

Many groups with older adults engage in “ping pong talk”. Older members of the group may have memory loss or slowly process information. They are not able to follow the conversation or understand all that is being said, especially if it’s said quickly. Therefore, the conversation goes back and forth and back and forth, leading to frustration, or worse yet, silence.

Older adults do want to be engaged in conversation. HINT: It’s best to do that in a two-to-three-person group setting and to speak slowly and listen for understanding.

Youngster Pushback

And it’s not unusual to hear a younger person say, “I never know what to talk to Grandma about.” Of course, these different generations have dissimilar experiences and opinions. However, conversations with senior family members can be richly rewarding and create lasting memories. If done well, these interactions will connect generations and form bonds.

Try the conversation starters below. If the elders have memory deficits, they likely will go to a profound memory time of their life like childhood, or when they entered the military, began having children or some other major milestone.

Let them tell you about these significant moments. Engage. Actively listen and ask questions as if you were right there in the same time period they are sharing.

BONUS: Talking to senior citizens is not only good for social interaction it is good for their brain health. It requires long term memory recall, imagination and creativity.

Tips on Talking to Elderly People

  • Don’t talk down to elders or treat them as children. It is condescending.
  • Interact with them as adults. Avoid talking too slowly and loudly and overly simplifying words. Speaking loudly does not mean your message will be understood.
  • Talk in a noise-free, distraction-free space. No blaring TV or competing distractions.
  • Offer encouragement and support.
  • Limit unsolicited advice/directives. These are adults with real-world adult experiences. Remember, a family gathering is not the time to give advice or discuss issues that will upset elder family members. HINT: Never gang up on them. Avoid: “Mom, Happy Holidays! We also want to talk about you moving out of your home.” Designate another time for these courageous conversations.
  • Actively listen. Maintain eye contact and use your body language (leaning in, smiling, nodding) to show you’re paying attention. Give verbal confirmation that you’re hearing and understanding what is being shared. A gentle hand or shoulder touch shows you are present and connected to the speaker. Always sit at eye level. Never stand while speaking. This body language is upsetting to many, especially those with memory and cognitive impairments.
  • Slow down. Give the person time to process what is being said and to respond at their own rate of recall. “Air space” is good. Letting the elder think, process and respond before going on and asking more questions or moving to another subject.
  • Use names not pronouns. Say Uncle Ken, not he or him. It keeps the loved one focused on whom you are speaking about.
  • Don’t interrupt. Doing so may cause the person to lose track of the conversation flow. It can also cause confusion and result in a feeling of inadequacy.
  • Use real names not terms like “honey,” “sweetie,” etc.
  • Avoid arguing. Understand there are differing opinions, many as a result of different generations/ages/cultures. Never use profanity or foul language. It is always better to redirect a conversation to a completely different topic than to argue. If the conversation returns to the uncomfortable subject, most of the time mentioning that you have nothing to add and want to move on works.
  • Focus on one topic to discuss before moving on to the next topic. Jumping around from subject to subject can cause confusion, especially for those with dementia.
  • Use an iPad or writing tablet for seniors who have communication challenges related to speech and/or hearing.
  • Leave the person feeling relevant and respected. Don’t be bossy. Ask instead of issuing orders. Offer choices whenever, and wherever, possible. This creates a sense of control in one’s own life and a feeling of independence.
  • Don’t be afraid to laugh and brighten each other’s days.

12 Enjoyable Conversation Starters

Of course, there are endless questions & topics one could use to begin a conversation with older members of a family.

Try these 12 fun ones this upcoming holiday season.

  1. Tell me about your favorite Thanksgiving/Christmas memory as a child.
  2. What do you think about computers and smartphones and what was your world like before this technology was available? What is your favorite gadget today?
  3. Are there any foods you used to love to eat that are no longer available today? What is your favorite holiday cookie? Do you still bake them?
  4. Share your college life experience with me. What did you study? What did you do on the weekends? What activities were you involved with? Did you work while going to school? Are you an active alumnus today? Why?
  5. How did you meet your spouse? What was dating like? What age did you get married? Describe your wedding and early married life together.
  6. When you were a child, what was your dream for your life? Did it happen? How or why not?
  7. What Hollywood star or politician did you admire from your youth and whom do you admire today?
  8. Describe a gift you received early on in your life that you’ve kept and explain why it’s so special.
  9. Did you believe in Santa Claus when you were a kid? What was your favorite toy?
  10. How have you coped with loss in your life? What tips can you share?
  11. Share some of your favorite memories growing up with your parents and siblings.
  12. What are you most proud of in your life? Notice how they are living the happy episode all over again as it is shared.

Here’s to a joyful intergenerational holiday season!

Wishing you and yours a Thanksgiving filled with creating lasting memories with those you love.

In this season of gratitude, let me say thank you to all of you who have trusted the care of your loved ones to my team and I here at Craft LifeStyle Management. We are humbled and deeply grateful. We treasure and appreciate our relationship with you and yours.

Also, thank you to the hard-working, dedicated team at CLM that works tirelessly to provide expert, compassionate care to all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

©November 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

Why Sleep is Important as One Ages

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Almost a third of our lives are spent sleeping. Therefore, it’s important to understand the relationship between aging and sleep. Getting a good night’s sleep is important for both physical and mental health and one’s overall quality of life.

Poor sleep is not a normal part of aging.

Sleep patterns change as we age. Many older adults feel sleepier in the evening and awaken earlier in the morning. But disturbed sleeping and waking up tired are not part of normal aging.

How Much Sleep is Ideal?

The National Sleep Foundation National Sleep Foundation’s sleep time duration recommendations: methodology and results summary – PubMed (nih.gov) dispels the myth that older adults require less sleep.

 It strongly recommends 7-8 hours of sleep a night for adults, including seniors.

What’s Interfering with Your Sleep?

Mental and physical health conditions may interfere with sleep. These may include:

  • Depression or anxiety
  • Heart Disease and diabetes
  • Frequent Nighttime Urination (nocturia)
  • Insomnia (Most common sleep problem in those 60+)
  • Restless Leg Syndrome (Periodic limb movement disorder causing legs to jerk and kick every 20 to 40 seconds during sleep.)
  • Sleep Apnea (Pauses in breathing while sleeping)
  • Arthritis or other conditions causing discomfort and/or pain
  • Alzheimer’s Disease quite often changes sleeping habits-too much, not enough. This affects caregivers too, leaving them tired.

Side effects of medications, including over the counter medications, may also complicate sleep.

Other factors impacting sleep include:

  • Napping-keep these short and done by 3 PM
  • Less Structured Sleep Schedule
  • Electronics (TV, computer, cell phone, tablet) Used Close to Bedtime
  • Social Isolation Resulting in Stress and Anxiety
  • Waking Up During the Night

Ways to Improve Sleep

Create both a bedroom environment and daily routines to promote consistent, uninterrupted sleep. Forming and sticking to good bedtime rituals is important. Try to:

  • Set a sleep schedule. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, weekday and weekends.
  • Follow a nighttime routine. This may include locking all of the doors, ensuring all appliances are turned off, putting on pajamas, brushing your teeth and reading for a few minutes before turning the bedside lamp off.
  • Unplug from Tablets and Cell Phones. Blue light in these devices decreases melatonin (a hormone produced to facilitate sleep) production and causes mental stimulation that is difficult to turn off. Experts advise staying off these devices 30-60 minutes before you go to bed.
  • Dim the Lights and Relax. Focus on relaxation instead of the pressure of falling asleep. Try meditation, prayer, visualization and/or breathing exercises, aromatherapy, or background music or sounds.
  • Keep the bedroom at a comfortable temperature and as quiet as possible.
  • Get up. Instead of tossing and turning and getting frustrated, get up 20 minutes after trying to sleep and read or stretch. Keep the lights low and try again.

Healthy Habits Lead to Great Sleep

Pay attention to your daytime lifestyle. It also affects getting a good night’s sleep. If you aren’t already, try

  • Exercise. Get physically active.
  • Reduce Caffeine Intake. Especially true in the afternoon and evening.
  • Eat an Earlier Dinner to Avoid Food Digestion at Bedtime. Keep snacks light before bedtime.
  • Limit Bed Use. Train your brain that being in bed is used only for sleep and sex.
  • Decrease Alcohol Consumption. It may put you to sleep but as the effect wears off sleep becomes disrupted.
  • Get Sunlight. Daylight exposure encourages quality sleep.
  • Avoid Smoking. Nicotine stimulates the body in ways that disrupt sleep.

Benefits of a Great Night’s Rest

Sleep is a time of rest and rejuvenation. It allows our minds and bodies to recuperate after a long day. Sleep is also an indicator of overall health and well-being. Getting the rest you need can help you stay both physically and mentally well as you age.

  1. Sleep boosts your mood.
  2. Quality sleep lowers your risk of diseases. Lack of sleep puts added stress on the body, leading to inflammation and a weakened immune system. While sleeping, our bodies undergo restorative functions like tissue repair, muscle growth and protein synthesis-all needed to keep our immune systems strong.
  3. Sleep helps maintain weight. Getting enough sleep keeps our metabolism moving at a healthy rate. If you’re sleep deprived, metabolism slows down, leading to weight gain. Experts say that you are 60 percent more likely to be obese if you get 5 or fewer hours of sleep a night. Sleep | Obesity Prevention Source | Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health
  4. Good sleep improves memory and concentration. A good night’s sleep is key to a healthy brain and a sharp memory. Lack of sleep affects decision-making abilities and long-term memory. Over time, too little sleep can even contribute to cognitive decline, memory loss and increase your risk of developing dementia. Bedtime is when your brain clears harmful toxins. More Information: Not all sleep is equal when it comes to cleaning the brain — ScienceDaily

Sleeping Environment

Create a better sleep environment by:

  • Darkening the Room. It can be as simple as dimming the lights as bedtime approaches signaling to your brain it’s time to wind down for the night. Again, turn off electronics reducing your blue light exposure. Lower your shades or use blackout curtains. Light slows the production of melatonin, a naturally occurring hormone which promotes sleep. Consider using smart bulbs that gradually fade when it’s near bedtime and slowly brighten in the morning.
  • Lowering the Temperature. Experts consider 60 to 67 degrees optimal for high quality sleep, though this differs for everyone. Experiment and set the thermostat on what works for you.
  • Reducing the Noise. Turn off all sounds, including the TV. A quiet room is much more conducive to a peaceful night’s sleep. If you live in a noisy area, consider products that mask noise like white noise machines, floor fans, etc. Definitely move the bed off shared walls and away from street-facing windows.
  • Choosing a Comfortable Mattress and Sheet Set. The mattress, sheets and pillows you use is so important for a restful night’s sleep. The right mattress depends on your sleep position (back, side, stomach), whether you share the bed and other factors. A great pillow will support your back and neck; a poor one will have you waking up with neck pain, headaches and possibly arm numbness. Test out mattresses, pillows and sheets to understand which work best for you in achieving consistent good nights of sleep.

Keep it Safe

  • Keep a telephone nearby in case an emergency call out is needed. Avoid the temptation to look at the bright screen while trying to sleep and turn notifications off so sleep is not interrupted. If not keyed into your phone, keep a list of emergency phone numbers next to your phone on the bedside table.
  • Make sure a lamp or light is nearby. Don’t stumble out of bed subjecting yourself to a possible trip and fall.
  • Put a glass of water next to the bed in case you wake up thirsty.
  • Remove trip hazards like rugs, cords, stools and furniture.
  • Never smoke in bed.

Call the Doctor or Sleep Specialist

If you are following these good sleep habits yet consistently having sleep problems and feeling tired and unable to do your activities for 2 or 3 weeks, you may need to contact your medical professionals.

These signs of little or poor sleep quality that should be discussed with a medical professional.

  • Excessive snoring
  • Daytime sleepiness
  • A stop in breathing at night
  • Mood changes or irritability
  • Fatigue
  • Frequent awakenings at night

More Information

A Good Night’s Sleep | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)

What is Sleep & Why is It Important for Health? | American Sleep Association

©October 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason

Why It’s Important to Have Fun While Aging

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 5 Comments
Aging is a universal process. It’s highly personal. But growing older doesn’t mean you have to stop having fun and “act your age.”

You may slow down and rightfully rest more. But don’t put the brakes on living life to the fullest, being joyful and playing.

There are endless benefits to trying new adventures and having fun while aging.

  • Improves mental and emotional health
  • Reduces anxiety and depression
  • Improves muscle strength and stamina
  • Establishes and maintains relationships
  • Improves how the brain works
  • Enhances physical vitality
  • Extends life

Keep a positive attitude. Laugh a lot, even aloud.

When you feel blue or depressed, remember it is always much better to live in the moment than to obsess about the past or worry about the future. NOTE: It is okay to feel blue or depressed temporarily. However, if you stay in this frame of mind, it’s important to look at different things to “spark” your interest.

A good outlook on life leads to lower blood pressure, less heart disease, better weight control and healthier blood sugars.

Pledge to live life to the fullest with adventure and playfulness.

Keep your body and mind active every day by engaging in both physical activity and learning from new experiences. Enjoy a vibrant, exciting time as you age.

The phrase, “Move it or Lose it” is profoundly accurate. If we don’t move our bodies even as we experience little aches and pains, the aches and pains will only worsen.

Without movement, muscles atrophy or keep deteriorating until there is nothing left. The hurt then increases resulting in loss of range of motion which can cause loss of balance and falls.

Remember, our brain is also a muscle. So, keep moving and doing.

Physical Activities

Try something new. It’s not too late to start. If you have health or mobility concerns, consult with your doctor before beginning a new physical activity.

Let go of your fears and social anxiety. Recruit a friend, neighbor or family member to join you on your new adventures and activities.

Imagine the exhilaration after accomplishing a new feat. Be proud of pushing limits and taking on new challenges.

Whatever you do, get moving! Sitting on the couch or resting in bed causes endless health problems.

Go online and search for ways to get involved in local fun events or recreational activities. Check out community centers and senior citizen centers. Ask your medical team for suggestions. Find something to keep yourself engaged and moving.

And guess what? You don’t have to spend a fortune to get physically active. Invest in a good pair of walking shoes and start exploring your neighborhood or a nearby park. Not only will you be more physically active and likely feel better, you’ll engage in social interaction, which is also great for one’s mental health.

Consider Trying

  • Bicycling (Regular or Recumbent) NOTE: Investigate a 3-wheel bike to aid in balance and avoid tipping over
  • Walking, Hiking or Pushing your young grandchild or great grandchild in a stroller
  • Table Tennis or Bowling
  • Kayaking, Sailing or Canoeing
  • Pickleball, Tennis, Shuffleboard, Badminton, Corn Hole and Horseshoes
  • Swimming, Water Aerobics or Water Walking, which is great for joints and doesn’t require swimming skills
  • Yoga, Tai Chi or Zumba
  • Golf, Miniature Golf, Bocce Ball, or Croquet
  • Yard Work like Gardening, Raking, Digging and Planting
  • Bird Watching NOTE: Put out an inexpensive bird feeder and watch the feathered friends come. Without realizing it, you will stimulate your mind as you research what type of birds are visiting. You’ll have full body movement by filling bird feeders. Wonderful year-round treat for your mind and body.

“Motion is the Lotion.” Start moving.

Learn from New Experiences

Stay cognitively sharp and alert while learning something new. Break out of old patterns. Light up your brain while stretching out of your comfort zone. New experiences keep us young and vibrant. They help us retain memories and think clearly.

Babies experience the world with awe and a sense of wonderment and play. This can be you as you learn and experience new things.

Be spontaneous and open to new adventures.

For Example:

  • Plant something new in your garden. Basil, for instance. Nurture its growth and then go online and learn how to freeze it. Or plant flowers and begin making floral arrangements for yourself and/or others. Learn pressed flower art.
  • Begin to sew, embroider, crochet, quilt or knit. Many churches have groups that make items for those with terminal illnesses or newborns.
  • Try painting, sketching, ceramics, pottery, beading, woodworking and/or card or jewelry making. Build and paint bird houses.
  • Plan a trip to a new domestic or foreign location. Travel. Upon return home, document your memories by scrapbooking or creating an online photo album and/or video.
  • Experiment with new foods and recipes. Invite a neighbor you’d like to know better. Enjoy the fellowship and the meal. Consider home brewing with a DIY beer-making kit.
  • Volunteer where your interests lie. Perhaps it’s the zoo or the botanical center or maybe your place of worship or local school.
  • Start a neighborhood board game night. Or work together on a massive jigsaw puzzle. Participate in fantasy sports leagues and work on crossword and Sudoku puzzles. Join a card or chess club. Say “yes” to Trivia Game Nights. Bonus: Stretch the brain while socializing and maybe even making new friends.
  • Research and practice being an improv comedian or storyteller.
  • Write or record your autobiography and family history.
  • Explore participating in local performing arts like dance troupes, karaoke, acting, juggling, magic and choral groups.
  • Learn a foreign language or how to play a musical instrument like the piano or a ukulele.  Upgrade your computer skills.
  • Restore a vintage car and attend classic car meetups. Rebuild an old RV.
Don’t neglect your mental health needs. Allow yourself time to have some real fun.

Remember, you are allowed to have some fun before all of the work is done. Be spontaneous. Accept invitations even if it means putting off the household or yard chores.

Enjoy the small pleasures in life. You’ve earned it!

Final Note

Maybe it’s hard for you to have fun. You’ve worked most of your life and carried a ton of responsibility for the family. Perhaps you’ve lived a scheduled, structured or routine life. Now you’re retired and urged to enjoy life and create new adventures. This may seem weird or stress you out. You may even feel like you don’t know how to begin to “have fun.”

Take a breath. Understand this feeling is normal. Over time, you likely will begin to participate in physical activities and new experiences to enrich your life. You will find meaningful ways to have fun in a way that satisfies you.

Always keep in mind that you are doing yourself a favor by having fun. It’s good for you and everybody loves people who are fun and living life with the maximum amount of joy.

Finally, know it is your right to also just REST. Don’t feel pushed into doing when you need to rest. Avoid shaming yourself for “just being.”

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©September 2022   Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason

Stop Being the Ass of the Family

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Family Character Definitions

All of us play a role in our family of origin-the family we were born into and/or the family we grew up in.

Family roles shape how we interact with each other in the family system.

At times, these roles function to create and maintain a balance in the family system. Other times we have to navigate our way through complex family dynamics and role-playing. This is particularly true when families are in a position of caring for a frail, ill and/or aging family member.

Three decades of working with families in transition has shown us consistent behaviors between and among family members. So consistent, that Craft LifeStyle Management has given names to the behaviors.

Which One Do You See Yourself As?

Dictator. This person thinks they are in charge. All of their answers are correct and the best. They talk over everyone. Most of the time this person is clueless about the reality of the situation.

Seagull.  Seagulls are less informed than dictators. They fly in and crap over everything and quickly fly back out leaving nothing but a mess and a lot of hurt feelings.

Eeyore. This character is a miserable, pessimistic and gloomy old stuffed donkey belonging to Christopher Robin. His closest friend is Winnie the Pooh. Eeyore’s wallow and complain. Their general attitude is “woe is me” and everything is always bad.

Geographically challenged. They get to do everything because they live closest to mom and dad. Every day they’re challenged with balancing care of their loved ones with care of their own family while likely also working. They are challenged with scheduling medical appointments and getting parents to them. Family living out of the area are often unaware of what they are going through and how time-consuming caregiving is. “I know you’re busy but Mom called and said she needs groceries. Can you go get them since you live nearby?”  The personality of this person often dictates the rest of the family dynamics. 

Entitled. It’s all about me. “I should get it.” “I deserve to have it.” “I did this.” “I did that.” Entitled’s should ask themselves, “If I have to tell everyone what I deserve and how much I have done, have I really done anything?”

Golden child. Generational favoritisms are hard to break. The majority of time, the golden child is either the oldest or youngest son. In large families it could be both.

Smooshed Cream in the Middle of an Ice Cream Sandwich Cookie. Imagine a hot summer day where you are enjoying an ice cream sandwich cookie. You repeatedly squish it down and lick around the edges until it’s two messy cookies pressed together. This is when Craft LifeStyle Management receives the call from a family member. There is absolutely nothing else to lick away and you’re smashed together. That ice cream filling is parental care, family life, child activities, jobs, marriages, homes, outside commitments, etc. Pile on deteriorating parental health or a medical crisis like a fall, requiring hospitalization. No one has any more ice cream filling to give. The gooey middle has met the crisis cookie.

Ostrich. Self-explanatory. Ostriches stick their heads in the ground. They are in total denial.

Donkey. Donkeys are generally harmless. Everyone knows what the slang for donkey is-the ass of the family. Mostly the dumb things the ass has done are not out of malice. It is just out of stupidity. Donkeys are usually likeable and easy to get along with.

Rooster. Roosters puff up their chests. They cross their arms and do not need any help handling matters. They raise their voices and have an attitude from the first “hello my name is.” Over time, Craft LifeStyle Management has learned roosters are usually the ones who have sucked Mom and Dad dry. Often, they’ve been sponging off of them forever.

Roach. Roaches come out at night; therefore, they’re a little under the radar picking at all the pieces left to fall on the ground. They think everything has a ridiculously high value. They don’t tell you they want all the items even if other siblings want them. Mediation generally has to happen between roosters and roaches.

Clergy or Keeper of the Cloth. This character ranks right up there with the Roach and the Rooster. However, they disguise their approach using faith-based lines. “God bless you,” or “God keep you.” “I want nothing just for God to watch down on me and know I’m doing the right thing.” “Bless you.” “Shall we pray?”

They claim they want the high-priced items like wedding and engagement rings not for the monetary value but rather sentimental value. It meant so much to whoever the deceased is (Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle, etc.)  Usually, the clergy or keeper of the cloth hasn’t been around to help. They’ve been very busy helping so many others due to their serious faith commitments.

CAUTION:  It’s proven that the rooster, the roach and the clergy always despise each other.

The following list of family roles was published by Our Programs | (innerchange.com).

Consider the above roles and these.

Which Role Do You Play? Which Do You Want to Play?

  • Hero: This is the “good” and “responsible” child. This person is a high achiever, carries the pride of the family, and he/she overcompensates to avoid looking or feeling inadequate. He/she is often a good leader and organizer and is goal-oriented and self-disciplined. Sometimes the hero lacks the ability to play, relax, follow others, or allow others to be right.
  • Rescuer: The rescuer takes care of others’ needs and emotions and problem-solves for others in the family. The rescuer might have difficulty with conflict. He/she takes on the role of rescuer in the name of helping others, though it is often to meet his/her own needs, such as relieving anxiety. This person doesn’t realize that sometimes helping hurts. He/she also lives with a lot of guilt and finds it challenging to focus on him/herself.
  • Mediator: The mediator can be a rescuer-type although he/she works to keep peace in the family system. This person does the emotional work of the family to avoid conflict. He/she acts as a buffer, and does it in the name of helping others, although it may be for his/her needs. This can be a healthy role depending on how the person mediates.
  • Scapegoat/Black sheep: This is the person the other family members feel needs the most help. Usually this is the family member in need of treatment or in treatment. This person often shows the obvious symptoms of the family being unable to work through problems. The person may have strengths such as a sense of humor, a greater level of honesty, and the willingness to be close to his/her feelings. Yet there can also be an inappropriate expression of feelings, and the person may experience social or emotional problems.
  • Switchboard: This person is the central information center in the family. He/she keeps track of what’s going on by being aware of who is doing what and when. This person has strength in being the central person to go to and understanding how the family is doing. However, this person focuses on everyone else’s issues rather than his/her own.
  • Power broker: This person works at maintaining a hierarchy in the family with him/herself at the top. His/her safety and security with life depends on feeling in control of the environment around him/her.
  • Lost child: The lost child is the subservient good child. He/she is obedient, passive, and hidden in the family trauma. He/she stays hidden to avoid being a problem. Generally, this person is flexible and easygoing. However, he/she lacks direction, is fearful in making decisions, and follows without questioning.
  • Clown: The clown uses humor to offset the family conflict and to create a sense that things are okay. This person has a talent to readily lighten the moment, but he/she hides his/her true feelings.
  • Cheerleader: The cheerleader provides support and encouragement to others. There is usually balance in taking care of his/her own needs while providing a positive influence on those around him/her.
  • Nurturer: This person provides emotional support, creates safety, is available to others, and can be a mediator. He/she focuses on having and meeting emotional needs, usually in a balanced manner.
  • Thinker: The thinker provides the objective, reasoning focus. His/her strength is being able to see situations in a logical, objective manner. However, he/she may find it difficult to connect emotionally with others.
  • Truthteller: This person reflects the system as it is. At times the challenge is how that information is relayed. Other members in the family might be offended or avoid the truthteller because of the power of the truth he/she holds. Strength occurs when this person is coupled with another positive role, such as a nurturer or cheerleader.

More Information

Roleplaying: The 6 Family Roles We’re All Familiar With — Insightful Innovations

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/Roles-Within-the-Family.aspx

How to Handle Siblings in Denial About a Parent’s Declining Health – AgingCare.com

If Craft LifeStyle Management can assist you and your family during times of transition, please contact us.  We’ve been serving older Americans and their families for over three decades and are ready to assist you in your time of transition.
What We Do – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

©August 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for CraftLifeStyle Management.

Grandparents Need Love Not Bruises

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Recognizing & Preventing Elder Abuse

No one wants to admit our elders are abused, neglected and exploited. It’s much like hushing up about child or domestic abuse. Many think if it’s not spoken about, it doesn’t occur.

But it does.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), abuse, including neglect and exploitation, happens to 1 in 10 people aged 60 and older who live at home. Between 2002-2016, more than 643,000 older adults were treated in the emergency department for nonfatal assaults and over 19,000 homicides occurred.

Keep in mind these numbers are low. The National Council on Aging reports that only one out of every 14 cases of elder abuse are ever reported. These numbers only reflect the abuse cases that show up in the ER. Many cases are never reported because elders are ashamed, afraid or unable to tell family, friends or police about the violence. They fear reporting the crime will result in retaliation.

Many times, elders also remain silent because they lack cognitive skills or the physical ability to report it. Others care deeply about the person abusing them and don’t want them to get into trouble. Many are dependent on the care given by the abuser.

Experts also report

  • 1 in 20 older adults indicate some form of perceived financial mistreatment occurring in the recent past.
  • In almost 60 percent of elder abuse and neglect incidents, the perpetrator is a family member. Two-thirds of perpetrators are adult children or spouses.
  • 7-10 percent of the elderly suffered from at least one episode of abuse within the past year.

What is Elder Abuse

All 50 states have passed some form of elder abuse protection laws. These laws and definitions vary considerably by state.  

Elder abuse is broadly defined as an intentional act or failure to act that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult (60+). The abuse comes from a caregiver, or a person trusted by the elderly adult.

Learning these 7 most common types of elder abuse can help you recognize when it is happening and how to avoid it.

Neglect: Is one of the most common forms of elder abuse. Unfortunately, it is usually committed by a close family member. It generally involves deprivation and failure to meet an older adult’s basic needs such as food, water, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and essential medical care. This shows up in rapid weight loss, unsanitary or hazardous living conditions, improper attire, dehydration or preventable illnesses. A common example: Setting a plate in front of an elder who is unable to feed him/herself.

Physical: When an elder experiences illness, pain, injury, functional impairment, distress, or death as a result of the intentional use of force. This includes hostile acts such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping, burning and restraining by physical and chemical means. Recognize this by seeing visible marks, including bruises, cuts or new mobility limitations.

Sexual: Non-consensual sexual contact of any kind, including harassment. It is also a crime that is difficult to identify and discuss.

Financial Exploitation: The illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an elder’s money, benefits, belongings, property or assets. For instance, a sudden change in power of attorney or missing bank account statements and unexplainable transactions. Financial neglect occurs when the elder’s financial responsibilities like paying the mortgage or rent, utility bills, medical bills, property taxes, etc. are ignored and bills are not paid.  A good indicator is if the caregiver has many new purchases and claims Mom said I could buy these items as presents from her. However, Mom is unaware of the date or time and answers ‘yes’ to every question.

Emotional/Psychological: Verbal or nonverbal behaviors inflecting anguish, mental pain, fear or distress. These include humiliation, name-calling, repeated fear-inducing language, disrespect, verbal and non-verbal threats, harassment, and geographic or interpersonal isolation. Keeping someone from seeing close friends and relatives is also a sign of emotional abuse. Another possible sign is the caregiver constantly saying, “they’re resting” when you stop by.

Abandonment: Desertion of a vulnerable adult by anyone who assumed the responsibility for care or custody of that person. Elderly persons in need of supervision can accidentally hurt themselves and cause preventable accidents. Abandonment is often thought of as long periods of time. However, abandonment here is any amount of time elders are at risk when left alone. Would you leave an infant or toddler alone for any length of time?

Self-Neglect: Self-neglect that takes place under institutionalized supervision is a form of abuse. Self-neglect in one’s home starts very gradually. Depression among the elderly may be self-neglect. It can start with a mild fall where one cannot completely get back to a normal routine or begin with deteriorating health. It can also begin with the loss of a loved one or a pet. It is not just one day the elder has neglected themselves and stopped taking out the trash, cleaning or cooking. It happens over time. Depending on when the self-neglect is discovered determines what the next steps of care are. If a person lives alone but cannot feed and clean themselves, they will require supervision. Elder self-neglect, according to studies, is higher amongst elders lacking family support-those known as orphaned elders.

Warning Signs

Abused elderly often suffer in silence.

Start to question what is going on if you notice changes in the person’s personality and/or behavior. Remember, it is not your role to confirm the abuse, only to alert proper authorities of your suspicion of abuse.

Click here for state specific contact information. What If I Suspect Abuse, Neglect, or Exploitation? | ACL Administration for Community Living

  • Unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, burns, pressure marks, cuts, or scars
  • Bruises around breasts or the genital area; sexually transmitted diseases or pain upon urination or bowel movements
  • Messy appearance with unwashed hair and dirty clothes
  • Displays signs of trauma, like rocking back and forth
  • Bedsores and unusual weight loss
  • Broken eyeglasses/frames
  • Physical signs of being restrained or punished
  • Unexplained withdrawal from activities he/she enjoys
  • Sudden financial changes like an eviction notice for unpaid rent, notice of late mortgage or home eviction or many new purchases for the caregiver
  • Unpaid bills despite adequate financial resources
  • Belittling, threats, and other uses of power and control by spouses
  • If elder is trying to speak but looks at caregiver and abruptly quits talking
  • Frequent loud arguments, strained and tense relationships between the caregiver and the elderly person or the senior seems timid around the caregiver
  • Lacks medical aids like glasses, walker, dentures, hearing aids or medications

Ways to Prevent Elder Abuse

  • Check-in on older adults who may have few family members or friends. Be alert. Look for clues of abuse. Is there forcible restraint and forced feeding? Does the person have a heightened sense of fear, anxiety or other results of current trauma? Remember, this can be challenging when a person suffers from dementia or is otherwise unable to communicate clearly.
  • Talk to the older adult’s support system or family who may live in a different geographical area. Families usually have the ability to intervene, especially if the caregiver is hired. They can fire them and remove them from the person’s home. They can also report the incident(s) to the police.
  • Learn how elder abuse signs differ from the normal aging process.
  • Report abuse or suspected abuse to adult protective services, a trusted doctor or nurse or the police. Elder abuse can be a criminal offense. Making a police report creates a paper trail and will hopefully lead to an investigation. Click here for state specific information. NCEA – State (acl.gov)
  • Consult with an elder law attorney. While elder abuse is often a crime, elder abuse can be the basis for a civil lawsuit against the perpetrator and/or facility.
  • Offer to help and support over-burdened caregivers

Effects of Abuse

Elder abuse frequently leads to early death. It harms the person’s physical and psychological health, destroys social and family ties and can cause devastating long-term financial loss.

Any mistreatment leaves the abused person feeling depressed and fearful. Some victims feel the abuse is his or her own fault.

Agencies generally suggest support groups and counseling to help an abused person heal emotional wounds. The practicality of this for elderly abused persons is unknown.

What is known is that once an abused elder starts to receive care, kindness, hygiene and more, they begin to perk up, especially if there are memory issues. They soon are living in the present again and they begin to calm down.

Note to Caregivers from Denise

Caregiving can be difficult and often stressful. You may need to be “on the clock” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doing everything from preparing meals, doing laundry, cleaning the home, scheduling and driving to medical appointments, paying bills, providing nursing care, etc.

You may have had to put your career and social life on the back burner to care for someone who shows little signs of improvement.

The demands of caretaking over time can take a toll. To ensure you do not become neglectful or abusive to the one you are caring for, you must make time to rest and care for your own needs.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, even if it’s just for a few hours.

More Information

Fast Facts: Preventing Elder Abuse |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC

Elder Abuse Surveillance: Uniform Definitions and Recommended Data Elements (cdc.gov)

What is Elder Abuse? | ACL Administration for Community Living

Elderly Abuse Statistics: It’s More Common Than You Think! – RespectCareGivers

©July 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.

Age My Way 2022: May is Older Americans Month

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Each May the Administration for Community Living (ACL) Home Page | ACL Administration for Community Living leads the nation’s observance of Older Americans Month (OAM). The 2022 theme is Age My Way, an opportunity for all of us to explore the many ways older adults can remain in and be involved with their communities.

Older adults play vital, positive roles in our communities – as family members, friends, mentors, volunteers, civic leaders, members of the workforce, and more. Just as every person is unique, so too is how they age and how they choose to do it – and there is no “right” way. That’s why the theme for Older Americans Month (OAM) 2022 is Age My Way.

Older Americans Month is a great opportunity to celebrate our parents, grandparents and all of those special older individuals who have impacted our own lives. Let’s all look for opportunities to give back to the older adults in our lives and to help them live more independently as they age.

While Age My Way will look different for each person, here are common things everyone can consider:

Planning: Think about what you will need and want in the future, from home and community-based services to community activities that interest you.

Engagement: Remain involved and contribute to your community through work, volunteer, and/or civic participation opportunities.

Access: Make home improvements and modifications, use assistive technologies, and customize supports to help you better age in place.

Connection: Maintain social activities and relationships to combat social isolation and stay connected to your community.

Diverse communities are strong communities. Ensuring that older adults remain involved and included in our communities for as long as possible benefits everyone.

Watch for announcements in your local area for activities and events celebrating Older American Month in May 2022: Age My Way!

  • Get involved.
  • Share in the event or celebration with an older adult.
  • Offer transportation.
  • Donate to a cause.
  • Cheer on the older adults in your life.

History

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy and members of the National Council of Senior Citizens met to address the growing concerns of America’s 17 million individuals ages 65 and older. At the time, one-third of all seniors lived in poverty with few social programs available to help support them.

To raise awareness of the problems facing seniors and to honor them, then-President Kennedy and the Council proclaimed May as Senior Citizens Month.

Senior Citizens Month Becomes Older Americans Month

Two years later, in 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson passed the Older Americans Act of 1965 and formally declared May as Older Americans Month. But the act did much more than raise awareness or encourage community involvement – although it did both of these things well.

Johnson took Kennedy’s proclamation and intentions a step further by taking action that resulted in positive change, financial assistance and federal support for older Americans.

The Older Americans Act

Established the Administration on Aging, the first federal agency designed to address the struggles of older Americans.

Introduced nutrition programs, transportation assistance, federally funded adult day care, legal assistance and other services for seniors.

Paved the way to passing the Medicare program to offer health care to seniors.

Older Americans Month in the Recent Past

The proclamation didn’t end with Johnson, either. Every president since has offered a formal proclamation declaring May as a time to remember and honor older Americans. Communities organize events, fairs, and fundraisers focusing on seniors.

Denise Craft, Founder & President

If Craft LifeStyle Management can assist you with home modifications to help you age in place, please reach out to us.

We’ve been celebrating and serving older Americans for over three decades and are ready to assist you in your time of transition. Homepage – Services – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

©May 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.