Here we are again. The month of February with its predictable Valentine’s Day jitters.
Some really look forward to this day. They anticipate being showered with gifts of love from their partner. I, Denise Craft, am not one of them. I’m about as big of a fan of Valentine’s Day as I am of New Year’s resolutions; both put undue pressure on us.
What I do believe is that Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to appreciate the closest relationships in one’s life. I make time to pause and reflect on the importance of love, attachment, affection and closeness. I respect how each of these adds value and joy to my life.
Declining Divorce Rate
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) latest data (2020), 44.6% of marriages in the USA end in divorce. Though this may seem high, the divorce rate in America is actually dropping. In fact, it’s declined 35% in the past 20 years. This is a surprisingly good sign. FastStats – Marriage and Divorce (cdc.gov)
These declining rates should give us all hope. It means people who get married today stand a much better chance of having a successful marriage than ever before.
Successful long-term relationships take considerable nurturing and work. If you’re someone who’s partner longingly looks forward to Valentine’s Day, you may need to put more work into this special day to ensure a blissful outcome.
5 Ways to Spice up Your Love Life
Since I’m the so-called Scrooge of Valentine’s Day and believe one must work every day at keeping love alive, I did a bit of research and compiled a list of meaningful ways to improve one’s love life.
Use it to create a special Valentine’s Day and to enhance your love life, every day, regardless of your age or years together with your partner.
Show “I Love You” don’t just say the most popular three-word phrase in the world. Feeling love comes from small gestures showing your partner that you understand and know him/her. For instance, if your partner has spoken fondly of a favorite childhood dessert, find the recipe. Surprise him/her with not only the recipe (perhaps hand-written by a grandparent or parent) but prepare the actual dessert. It’s not a grand gesture but it’s a personal nurturing one that will be deeply appreciated. Feeling heard and understood are cherished gifts.
Demonstrate “I care” by taking a task off the To-Do list. This is super effective for busy parents. Empty the dishwasher. Pick up the milk from the store. Fold and put away the laundry. Sweep the floor. Make the beds. While not super sexy or high dollar value gifts, these are real signs of caring and sharing in the busyness of everyday life. Bonus: It may leave more time for you to share some romantic time with your partner. Understand it’s the small things that someone does for you daily that keeps love alive. It’s not typically the grand gestures keeping marriages intact.
Record your feelings. When is the last time you’ve written your partner a love letter, or verbally expressed your true emotions or feelings? Gifts like this appreciate over time. They are deeply treasured, especially after the loss of a partner. Go ahead. Write a love letter. Cuddle up and read it aloud to your partner. Bathe in the warmth of the exchange. The heartfelt words and the reading of them are priceless. No tangible gift can ever trump a hand-written love note or letter. Ever. HINT: A super easy and fun alternative to this is listing one or two reasons you love your partner. Hide or tape this list in a creative spot and let them find it. A nice, heart-warming surprise for them, and you.
Take a deep dive into understanding your partner. No matter how many years you’ve been together there is always something new to learn about them. A fun way to do this is using the book, “2000 Questions about Me” from Piccadilly. How would your partner answer: “What stood out in one of your most memorable dreams?” and “Do you think cheerleaders are motivating or distracting at football games?” It’s been really fun getting to know and understand him better through these random questions. Try it. Piccadilly 2000 Questions About Me Guided Journal Cardstock 152 Pages – Walmart.com
Nothing is more appealing to others than remembering that you’re enough. Self-love, self-confidence and self-care make you a better person. [Note: This is not the same as being selfish or self-centered. Big difference.] And, if you are single on Valentine’s Day, know you are worthy of love, whether or not you have a partner. Your single status is not something to “fix.” You are not lacking. You are enough.
Consistency Over Flowers & Chocolates
Real love is not flowers, fancy dinners, chocolates or hearts.
It is shown by your partner’s dedication to you every day.
Real love is familiar and created with trust and respect.
It is an everyday thing. It certainly is not a one-day event hyped by retailers.
For many of us a new year is a time for those New Year’s resolutions. Let’s be honest. Resolutions are hard because they require us to make changes in our lives about the way we are doing things. Resolutions are usually difficult to stick to. When we don’t, we feel discouraged. Most of us give up before January ends.
January is also Self-Love Month. How about trying a different approach to resolutions this year?
#1 Resolution
The number one resolution is almost always to lose weight or change something about ourselves. While health and self-improvement are great goals, it is equally important to love yourself.
Waistlines and scales do not tell us what a great family member you are or how kind, generous and compassionate you are. They can’t measure the care you give to loved ones.
Here’s a fresh approach to start 2022.
Be kind to your body and show yourself some love this month, and every month.
If you’re looking for some healthy new resolutions where you can see real positive changes in your overall health and well-being and also practice self-love, put some effort toward:
Beginning a New Exercise Routine
Set aside the negative self-talk which has prevented you from achieving this goal in the past. Yes, this is easier said than done! Find a likeminded friend. Set a time to meet weekly. The only rule is there can be no sitting and eating when together.
Walk. 🚶♀️🚶♂️
Weather is a great excuse during winter months. Eliminate the excuse. Find a warm indoor space like a mall. No, this doesn’t mean you have to shop and spend. Just walk and talk.
Starting to move doesn’t need to be difficult. It can be fun! Yes, fun! Start with something you truly enjoy. Whatever you choose, commit for short periods and then add on.
If it was easy, this would not be the ‘resolution’ where we start over each new year. Right?
Sticking with it and remaining active is a mindset.
Now that you and your friend are getting together once or twice a week to move, take it to another level.
Stay focused on your resolutions.
Perhaps join a gym. It is very intimidating to walk into a gym when you are not used to that environment. Once you join, try all the different classes. It is a great way to learn new things and see what you truly enjoy.
Most communities have free or reasonably priced fitness classes. These are ideal for those more likely to stay committed to a routine by joining a group. Groups not only hold one accountable but provide great socialization.
Denise’s Insight about Movement
Those who know me personally know I go nuts if I cannot get energy out of my body! Those caged squirrels about do me in. After a stress-filled day, I cannot just come home and sit. No matter the time of day, I have to take at least 30 minutes to unwind my brain by moving my body. A walk will do just this for me.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health
Exercise movement not only impacts your physical health. It’s also great for your mental health. It releases endorphins making you feel happy. Exercise helps your body release negative energy. It rids the body of anxiety. In other words, a simple brisk walk can make you feel calmer and more relaxed.
In 2022, commit to moving your body. 🏃♀️🏃♂️
Other things affecting your mental health are:
Getting a great night’s sleep
Eating a balanced diet
Spending quality time with others
Boosting your brain with activities like word games, Sudoku, or playing an instrument.
If you have unresolved issues affecting your mental health, maybe 2022 is the time to make an appointment with a professional mental health counselor to deal with these emotional difficulties or mental illness. This is self-love, not weakness or selfishness.
Denise’s Insight about Mental Health
Silence is another way to care for your mental health. It’s my favorite. Yes, there is meditating and being in quiet to connect with one’s inner self in stillness. It’s a beautiful thing!
I love when our clients say, “Oh sure I will just sit down and meditate while I have my parents, children, work, etc. all on my plate!!”
I totally get this, and live this.
This is what I do daily. I put my dinging phone away and turn off all electronics around me. In complete silence I unload the dishwasher, fold laundry or pick up a room. The quiet forces me to listen to nothing and to hear my own thoughts. This is my early morning meditation. It works wonders for me. Perhaps it will for you.
Practicing Self-Care
Self-Care is an act of self-love. It is taking care of yourself in a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual way. You are aware of your own needs and do what is necessary to meet them. It can be as simple as taking a few minutes of your day to browse a favorite website or enjoy a desired snack. Or, it can be as involved as a spa day.
Contrary to most of our upbringings, self-care is not being selfish or indulgent. Rather, it is essential to having a healthy mind and body.
If we do not work on ourselves and make time for rest and relaxation or if we neglect our souls, we will burn out. Depleting ourselves, we are no good to anyone, including ourselves.
8 Steps Toward Self-Love in 2022
So, as we begin 2022 in the month dedicated to self-love,
Surround yourself with good.
Remember you are important.
Plan something just for you & have something to look forward to.
Take joy in the success of others.
Let your guard down and receive care from others. Accept a hug or massage. Share your feelings. Ask for help.
Trust yourself and your voice. You don’t need to apologize for having an opinion that differs from others.
Be accountable to yourself and others. Don’t make excuses for your unacceptable behavior, or accept others’ excuses for theirs.
Cut yourself some slack, nobody’s perfect! Have some fun.
It’s that time of year again where I look back at work done and plan for work ahead.
This includes a review of my website to satisfy a curiosity of which posts were most popular.
[Keep in mind most read doesn’t always equate with most liked.]
Have You Read All 12 Popular Posts?
Links and a summary are provided for each post.
Recommend & Share
Comment below. Let me know what other topics interest you. Or, if you have an interesting person I should get to know. Share the name and contact information.
I work with Convention & Visitor Bureaus (CVBs) and Chamber of Commerce and other economic development groups to assess and improve tourism in their communities. In this Kearney, NE assignment I went undercover to visit key attractions and locations. Findings addressed areas of concern, hospitality of tourism staff, local knowledge by key staff at restaurants, lodging, etc. Conclusion: Kearney, NE is a great place to visit with welcoming citizens. Do yourself a favor. Visit.
Georgia was the girl all younger girls in her community looked up to. She was beautiful, talented and accomplished. The former Miss North Dakota went on to have a successful career in Nashville’s music industry. Today she’s back in ND after the love of her life suddenly died.
Accomplished educator and FFA Advisor shares heartbreaking story on the loss of his beloved wife to breast cancer. He offers an insider perspective on coping during and after a spouse’s death. Good news. He’s found love again.
How courageous and commendable of Twila to share her story of becoming an alcoholic. The good, the bad and the very real were revealed. Twila details her life from rock bottom to rehab to sobriety.
The surviving spouse of an adored husband, father and grandfather got real about living with someone who fought depression for over three decades before taking his own life. The after-effects on the family are heartbreaking.
Cyndy’s Midwestern work ethic took her to the top of a Fortune 200 corporation. She helped countless others achieve their career goals while achieving hers. None of it was easy. All of it is possible.
Another CVB assignment. The heartbeat of this Southwestern Nebraska community was easy to see and feel during the undercover visit. Life in McCook centers around faith, family and farming. It’s another community to visit. Check out McCook, NE.
Here is a guy who’d win if he ever chose to run for public office at any level. There is an old expression, “cream rises to the top.” It fits. His 8 life lessons are worth posting for daily review.
This story busts the myth that all mothers love their children. It describes the consequences of being raised by an emotionally absent mother and ways to heal from such an absence.
Heartwarming story about a shy girl with low self-esteem. Yet, she earned the use of 14 career cars and been featured on Times Square billboards in New York City.
This story should be shared with every person who neglects their own health or minimizes unusual symptoms. Dad’s not coming home. Let Andy’s life save yours.
It’s challenging to feel accepted for who you are during certain periods of your life. Being gay in rural Nebraska escalates this for Collin. Here he’s both frank and instructional about growing up gay in the Midwest.
Linda Leier Thomason writes freelance business and travel stories along with feature articles. Her work experience includes a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Read more about her background and qualifications by clicking on the “Meet Linda” tab above.
Christmas is associated with tradition and family gatherings. The music, food and decorations all come around year after year to remind everyone the holiday season is here.
Our seniors understand these traditions more than any others. They are generally the ones who’ve passed them down and given them meaning to the younger generations.
There are many benefits of spending time with elderly loved ones during the holidays.
Christmas can be depressing for older adults as they recall people and things they’ve lost over time. While it’s good to honor these deceased loved ones, it’s better for one’s mental health to share stories, create new memories and participate in traditional Christmas events and activities.
Spending time together as an extended family can boost everyone’s spirits, and even lower the risk of depression.
3 Simple Actions That Bring Joy
Decorate
Ask everyone to bring a certain number of their favorite ornaments and holiday decorations. Share the story of the ornament’s history and joy it brought to your life as you place it on the Christmas tree. 🎄
Hang wreaths on doors and windows and place holiday decorations throughout the home.
Bonus: All of these activities require movement. Your elderly loved one is getting quite a lot of physical activity while enjoying each of these activities.
Socialize
Gather together and watch favorite holiday movies. Share stories of your family’s past Christmas gatherings. (Hopefully most are positive.) Bake and decorate cookies and work on arts and crafts side-by-side. How about a craft from the past-paper snowflakes?
If your family is lucky enough to have a pianist, join around the piano and sing carols. Better yet, bundle up and surprise neighbors and friends by caroling at their front doors. 🎵🎹
Bonus: Recalling past Christmases enhances memory and keeps the brain healthy, as does socialization. Music has the power to reconnect us to joyous past memories. For seniors, it can be quite nostalgic to relive the magic of past Christmases.
Get Online
Using technology during the holiday season isn’t all bad. It can be quite positive, especially if your loved one has limited mobility. 💻
Set a date and sit side-by-side to help them purchase a few gifts through online shopping-free delivery, of course.
Teach them how to send online Christmas cards.
Virtually connect through technology and schedule a time to bring all of the family together through a video call using applications (apps) like: Apple FaceTime, Google Hangouts or Skype. Share joyful highlights of your year, or even watch a favorite holiday movie together. It can make all feel a bit closer if the entire family can’t be together for the holiday.
Bonus: Each of these will lift your loved one’s spirits, reducing depression. Learning online skills strengthens the brain.
Hint: Many seniors still have a strong preference for receiving personal mail through the USPS. If this is your aging loved one, be sure to send them a physical card with a handwritten loving, uplifting message.
Caring
Showing our elderly loved ones we are thinking about them during the holiday season doesn’t have to be stressful or burdensome. You can easily show they are not forgotten by incorporating established holiday traditions and using technology.
Do keep in mind how they may be feeling. They used to be “in charge” of making the holidays joyful. Now, as they’ve aged and lost some of their abilities, they may have relinquished the holiday merriment to a younger generation. There may be a sense of loss. But, incorporating the simple steps above, a sense of joy can still exist.
PS: The best gift you can ever give is the gift of time from your busy life to create special moments together.
Wishing you and your loved ones much joy this holiday season.
I’m unapologetic to those who see me as a “weirdo” or “not acting her age.”
I regularly shoot basketball. I’ve earned a free throw championship trophy. 🏀
I believe I was the first girl in my high school to compete in the NFL Punt Pass and Kick competition. 🏈 (After 56 years, the program terminated in 2017.)
I sneak onto football fields and kick balls through uprights, missing most, but not quitting. In this 2021 season, however, my record may be greater than a lot of collegiate and NFL kickers. Just sayin’.
I’m known to show up on tennis courts with my vintage Bjorn Borg headband slicing balls and hitting forehand winners.
My garage is where you’ll find me viciously whipping a hula hoop around my midriff waiting for it to drop around my ankle so I can joyfully skip over it as it spins near the concrete, only to get spun up around my knees.
Anymore, I spend hours, sometimes days, recovering from these activities.
I don’t care.
Each brings me great joy and definitely feeds my intense competitiveness.
I admit I’m not outstanding at any one particular sport. It’s not for a lack of trying. I give each my all. My all, that is, I can squeeze out of an ever-shrinking frame that on my best days was five feet tall.
Put Me in Coach or Give Me Your Book
I’ve always been athletic and followed sports, at every level.
If given a career do-over, I’d work my way into a sports league office and lend my talents to growing the brand.
Over time I’ve absorbed all I can from coaches who’ve recorded and published their beliefs, practices and principles in books.
In my opinion, the greatest coaches are not always the most widely known coaches.
To me, the best coaches excel not only in the technical aspects of a particular sport or game but also in developing good citizens.
To date it’s one of the most read posts in my website’s history.
Here are five additional coaches I’ve studied and admired, and if they’d ever agree to sit down to a chat with me, I’d be there.
Phil Jackson
He has been called the greatest NBA coach of all time, and with a league-record 11 championships (13 if you count his time as a player), it’s hard to dispute that claim.
Introducing fellow North Dakotan and Virgo, Phil Jackson.
Coach Jackson is a thinker and philosophizer. Some refer to him as “Zen Master.”
Early Years
He was born on September 17, 1945 in Deer Lodge, Montana but grew up with his fundamentalist evangelical preacher parents, who had sworn an oath of poverty, in Williston, ND. There he was a standout basketball player and led his team to two state titles.
He played collegiately for the University of North Dakota (UND) studying philosophy and religion. Phil also took courses in accounting, business and law. He was known for his left-handed hook shot that helped him average 27.4 points per game in his senior year.
New York Knicks
Phil graduated in 1967. He was the second-round draft choice for the New York Knicks and was instrumental in leading that team to an NBA championship in 1973.
He officially retired as a basketball player in 1980.
Three summers he returned to UND for graduate school earning 26 credit hours in psychology.
Holistic Approach
During those summers, Coach Phil started to build the foundation of his holistic coaching philosophy blending meditation, Eastern philosophy and native American spiritual practices – an approach that created one of the most successful professional basketball coaches of all time.
Details
Every year of his 20-year coaching career (nine years with the Chicago Bulls and 11 years with the LA Lakers), his teams made the NBA playoffs, winning 11 championship titles.
Coach Phil still holds the highest win percentage of any Hall of Fame coach. (He was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in 2007.)
He’s coached some legendary players like Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls and Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers.
Along with his NBA-record 11 championships, he is the only coach to win at least 10 championships in any of North America’s major professional sports.
Phil retired from coaching in 2011 and joined the New York Knicks as an executive in March 2014, where he was president until 2017.
Rough Rider Award & Author
He has authored 9 books about his teams and his basketball strategies. The most recent, “Eleven Rings: The Soul of Success,” was published in 2014.
Phil was presented the Theodore Roosevelt Rough Rider Award, bestowed upon prominent North Dakotans, in 1992. His portrait and plaque hang in the state Capitol in Bismarck with other past Rough Rider Award winners, such as one-time baseball home run king Roger Maris, bandleader Lawrence Welk, singer Peggy Lee and UND’s eighth president Tom Clifford.
He makes North Dakotans proud, including me.
Question: Do tell. 😉 Did you play a role in the Boston Celtics team’s planes being grounded at LAX after game 5 during the 2008 championship series? The Lakers arrived in Boston well before the Celtics after two alleged plane malfunctions. FYI: Boston won the series 4-2 in Boston.
Dan Gable
I was raised in the wrestling community of Napoleon, North Dakota. My brothers wrestled.
Our high school, NHS, won 13 state Class B wrestling championships between 1975 and 2007.
Wrestling seems to follow me. I even married someone obsessed with wrestling, but the pro-wrestling kind, like WWE. Our son is equally infatuated. Time will tell if our now 3-month-old grandson will follow in their footsteps.
He also won gold at the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich, not giving up a point. In fact, it’s widely known that the Soviets came to those games with one intention-to beat Dan Gable. It never happened.
Gable joined the in-state rivals, Iowa Hawkeyes, coaching staff in 1972, assisting head coach and Hall of Famer Gary Kurdelmeier until taking over the program in 1976 until 1997, 21 years.
The University of Iowa all-time winningest coach had an untouchable career, winning 15 NCAA team titles from 1976-1997, compiling a career record of 355-21-5.
He also was the head coach for three Olympic teams (1980, 1984, 2000) and six world teams.
Awards
Gable has been named to several Halls of Fame including but not limited to the USA Wrestling Hall of Fame, the US Olympic Hall of Fame, the National Wrestling Hall of Fame Stillwater, OK and is the name sake of the National Wrestling Hall of Fame Dan Gable Museum in Waterloo, IA. National Wrestling Hall of Fame – Visit (nwhof.org)
He was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom on December 8, 2020 by President Donald Trump.
Today Coach Gable is a sought-after speaker living in Iowa City, Iowa.
One of my favorite Gable quotes is: “Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination and a hard-to-find alloy called guts.”
Questions: What is your honest opinion on girls now competing in wrestling? What did it take within yourself to recover from the backlash of coaching at Iowa after being recognized as one of Iowa State’s most outstanding athletes?
Amy Williams
Source: Omaha World Herald
I took notice of Coach Amy Williams while our son was a student at the University of South Dakota (USD). She is a Spearfish, SD native and was the women’s head basketball coach in Vermillion. Her understated midwestern toughness and grit was a delight to watch.
Williams spent four successful seasons at NCAA Division I USD (2013-2016) and led the Coyote women to four straight postseason appearances while compiling a 96-44 record with the Coyotes.
In 2016, Williams guided USD to a 32-6 record, winning the Women’s National Invitation Tournament (WNIT) Championship on April 2, 2016. The Coyotes had won the Summit League title outright with a 15-1 record, losing only to in-state rival South Dakota Jackrabbits 61-55 in the Summit League Championship game.
She was named the Summit League Coach of the Year for two consecutive seasons: 2015 and 2016.
USD to UNL
I wasn’t the only one watching Coach Williams.
The University of Nebraska Lincoln, her alma mater also was. She was named the Huskers women’s basketball head coach on April 11, 2016.
Again, her program building skills are being noticed and rewarded.
She was named Big Ten Coach-of-the-Year in 2018 after leading the nation’s biggest turnaround. Her team earned a bid into the 2018 NCAA Tournament and finished with a 21-11 record-a national-leading 14-game turnaround in the win column over 2016-17.
Her Beginning
Williams was an academic All-Big 12 honoree while at UNL (Amy Gusso), earning a bachelor’s degree in biology and mathematics in 1998. She earned a master’s degree in sports administration in 2002 from Nebraska-Kearney, where she began her coaching career as a graduate assistant from 1998-2000.
She and her husband Lloyd, a former collegiate coach and player, have two daughters.
Questions: Who were your career role models as a young athlete? You’d originally wanted to be a medical doctor. Did you have any athletes as role models? You and Lloyd have two daughters. What is the biggest difference you see in their athletic lives from yours?
Mike Tomlin
I’m not saying I’m a Pittsburgh Steelers’ fan, though I can rattle off legions of past players who’ve been on their roster, but I am a huge Coach Mike Tomlin fan.
Michael (Mike) Pettaway Tomlin began his coaching career as a defensive back coach with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2001 before becoming the Steelers head coach in 2007.
He led the team to nine playoff runs, seven division titles, three American Football Conference championship games, two Super Bowl appearances, and one title in Super Bowl XLIII. The Steelers defeated the Arizona Cardinals.
He is the youngest head coach, to date, to win the Super Bowl at age 36.
Role Model & Coach
I’ve never been in their locker room. However, I suspect his players respect him. He seems to have their backs. He’s a player’s coach. One who advocates for players while they excel for him. Neither quits on the other.
I’ve watched him over and over again treat men like men. Playing football is a job. He’s the boss! I suspect he’s also a tremendous role model, setting good examples for players.
Tomlin married fellow William and Mary athlete (gymnast) Kiya Winston in 1996 two weeks after graduation. She is the founder and customer designer in her own fashion company: Kiya Tomlin. Comfortable & Stylish Womens Clothing | Kiya Tomlin Fashion They are the proud parents of two sons and a daughter.
Questions: You have two young sons. If they ask you if they should pursue a career in football, what is the most honest answer you’d give them without defaulting to “whatever makes you happy and fulfilled son” answer. If you hadn’t pursued a career in football, what job would you likely be doing today?
Russ Rose
Source: ESPN
Statistician
Coach Rose caught my attention when we were relocated to Omaha, Nebraska. Many nights we tune into Nebraska Public TV to watch women’s volleyball matches. None are usually more competitive than when Coach Rose brings his Penn State Nittany Lions to play the Nebraska Huskers-a team to beat in the world of women’s college volleyball.
Coach Rose’s sideline behavior was, let’s say, classic. Here sat a quietly confident white-haired older gentleman with an upright clipboard. He was constantly jotting notes. Soon I discovered he was the head coach keeping match statistics. Later I learned of his impeccable credentials. I was so impressed. I remain so.
Penn State Story
The following was taken from the Penn State Women’s Volleyball Page. It was so well researched and written, I included it.
It’s been over four decades since Russ Rose, age 68, arrived on campus in Happy Valley. His name has become synonymous with the pride and tradition of the storied Penn State women’s volleyball program. He’s in his 43rd season as head coach of arguably the nation’s most elite women’s volleyball program. His record-setting seven NCAA national titles and 17 Big Ten championships speak directly to the confidence and character he’s passed along throughout his career.
Few have come close to matching Rose’s impressive win total, as he’s collected victories at a staggering pace. Never having posted less than 22 wins in a fully-completed season, his 1,309 career wins heading into the 2021 season rank first all-time among NCAA DI head coaches.
Accomplishments
Along with 17 Big Ten titles, his program is the only women’s volleyball school to compete in all 40 NCAA Division I Women’s Volleyball National Championship events. He’s produced multiple Olympians, four AVCA National Players of the Year, 14 Big Ten Players of the Year and at least one AVCA All-American in 41 of 42 complete seasons.
Those who know Rose, know about the tremendous impact he has made in the volleyball community, not only in Pennsylvania, but across the country.
Rose led Penn State to its first national championship in 1999, before returning to capture the title in four consecutive seasons from 2007-2010. Along the way, Rose picked up three AVCA National Coach of the Year honors and five Big Ten Coach of the Year awards, while also earning a spot in the AVCA Hall of Fame at the end of the 2007 season.
Following the 2013 championship and the program’s 16th Big Ten title, Rose earned his fifth career AVCA National Coach of the Year Honor. From 2007-2010, Rose guided the Nittany Lions on their unprecedented and historic run of 109 victories, which included back-to-back 38-0 seasons in 2008 and 2009.
Teacher of Coaches
Throughout his career, Rose has been called on to share his expertise with coaches and players who represent the United States in International competition. He’s also an active clinician, traveling around both the United States and other parts of the world to share his vast knowledge of the game.
A 1975 graduate of George Williams College, Rose was a member of the school’s 1974 NAIA national championship team and captain of the 1975 squad. Upon graduation, he remained at George Williams as a part-time coach, helping the women’s team to a pair of state titles and a sixth-place finish at the national level.
Thesis on Statistics. Sideline Behavior Makes Sense
In 1978, he earned his master’s degree from the University of Nebraska, while also serving as a defensive coach for the women’s team. While writing his thesis on volleyball statistics, he led the second team to a two-year varsity mark of 52-5.
A 2013 Penn State Honorary Alumni honoree, Rose married Lori Barberich, a former three-time All-American at Penn State in 1986. The two are the parents of four sons, Jonathan, Michael, Christopher and Nicholas.
Questions: Tell me something about Nebraska Women’s Volleyball coach, John Cook, that no one else knows. Perhaps something from a Big 10 Conference coach meeting, or the like. What activities or events will fill up your first year of retirement?
I suspect I may have a part three to this post. On my desk I have a list of other coaches I’m going to continue to study. Coaches like Fred Hoiberg, Bob McKillop, Rick Pitino, Chris Beard, John Cook, Mick Cronin, Ed Orgeron, Doc Rivers, Todd Golden, Tony Bennett, Matt Campbell, Kyle Kempt, and Tony Dungy.
Share, Like & Comment
Is there a coach you’d like to know more about? Or, one I should know?
Jot the name in the comment section below. And, watch for future posts on coaches I admire.
In 1997, Bill Clinton signed the first National Family Caregivers Month (NFC) Presidential Proclamation and every president since has followed by issuing an annual proclamation recognizing and honoring family caregivers each November.
It is a time for recognizing and honoring family caregivers across the country. The month highlights all dedicated supportive caregivers as they care for others. It creates an awareness of resources available for self-care, advocacy and de-stressing for our caregivers.
2021 Theme
This year’s theme is #CaregiverAnd which encourages family caregivers to celebrate the passions and interests that enrich their own lives. It acknowledges caregivers have responsibilities in addition to caregiving.
Many times, the role of family caregiver overshadows the caregivers identity and instead emphasizes the care they provide for a loved one. Keeping one’s sense of self makes a caregiver’s life complete.
Self-care prevents caregiver burnout; therefore, caregivers must practice self-care in conjunction with family caregiving.
Family Caregivers
Families are the primary source of support to older adults and people with disabilities. Caregiving can take a significant emotional, financial and physical toll. With nearly half of all caregivers over the age of 50, many are vulnerable to decline in their own health.
An AARP study reported one in ten family caregivers had nobody to talk to about their own private matters. Additionally, one in five had nobody to ask for help. These statistics are startling. That is why NFC month is so important.
Celebrating family caregivers during NFC month allows all of us to:
Say thank you and give back to family caregivers
Educate family caregivers about self-identification
Increase support for family caregivers
Raise awareness of family caregiver issues
Celebrate the efforts of family caregivers
We See You
Craft LifeStyle Management always recognizes those who devote time and effort to providing care for a relative or other close friend.
This month, we are especially delighted to take the time to honor caregivers and shine a light on all family caregivers who are the silent superheroes of society.
We see you!
You are unspoken heroes to us.
We acknowledge all you do out of the goodness of your heart.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This year’s theme is #WeAreResilent, a reminder of survivor’s resiliency as well as the collective resiliency of the domestic violence movement.
Mary is a domestic violence survivor. We applaud her for sharing her story so that others may learn how to recognize domestic violence, find ways to leave the abuser and support anyone in this situation.
Mary is resilient. She’s working to become stronger day-by-day.
Domestic Violence Statistics
The Sickening Facts
Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
Every day in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.
The Beginning
Mary and Floyd, were married 40 years. They met in high school, dated two years and had a 12-month engagement.
Then, Mary thought Floyd was outgoing, hardworking and confident. “I felt he loved me.”
Reflecting back, Mary shares that Floyd showered her with little gifts (Today she sees this as being groomed.). For instance, after one month of dating, he gave her a Christmas gift-one her mother said was too expensive to accept so early in a relationship. Instead, Mary thought, “Wow! I’m special.”
That naïve feeling of “specialness” led to decades of domestic violence and family dysfunction.
The End
Mary served Floyd divorce papers January 2018 and their divorce was finalized in November that year.
Today she is still questioning how she “got entangled with such an abusive, controlling person.”
What happened during these 40+ years is a warning story for others in abuse situations and for law enforcement, medical professionals, family members and others to study and understand.
What One Brings to a Marriage
Mary admits she entered the marriage with low self-esteem, a lack of confidence and no experience ever living on her own. Her parents were “awesome role models for marriage” and she had no exposure to domestic violence.
According to Mary, Floyd, on the other hand, was abused by his now deceased alcoholic father. “It astounds me that I never asked how his father treated his mother. I have never known if he abused her physically.”
She calls this failure on her part to understand more of Floyd’s childhood household experiences, sad.
Early Signs of Domestic Abuse
The abuse in Mary and Floyd’s marriage started slowly. It began with verbal abuse and escalated into physical abuse with intensified verbal attacks. Setting was irrelevant. The abuse happened at home and while on vacations.
Like many domestic abuse victims, Mary was operating for most of her married life in a survival mode. “I was so beat down and feeling worthless. My family had no clue what was going on. Indirectly I was lying to them, but I didn’t know better.”
Today Mary knows Floyd was gaslighting her from the start. For instance, she joined a softball team the summer after their marriage. She soon quit because “crap would hit the fan” if she wasn’t home right after practice.
Mary rarely went out with girlfriends. “If I did, he’d fight, beat me down verbally before and after I came home.” So, she stopped doing things with friends.
“I thought everything was my fault. I was doing things wrong. He’d ream me if I forgot the milk while grocery shopping or if I forgot to defrost food.”
It became a vicious cycle. “I could never satisfy him. I was walking on eggshells, always. It wasn’t what was going to make him blow, it was when. I never knew.”
False Hope
In her heart and soul Mary knew she was in an abusive relationship. “I was embarrassed. I just always told myself, ‘If I could just be better.’ I’ll give him another chance.”
Mary falsely believed in hope.
Hope Floyd would come to recognize what he was doing was wrong.
He didn’t. Instead, Mary reveals, he’d chide, “You can’t make it on your own!”
She can’t remember how many times she tried to leave. She would, but always returned.
Mary felt so beat down and lacked a support system because she rarely shared her truth.
1st Divorce Filing
Mary filed for divorce the first time in January 2016. Floyd begged on his knees for a second chance as he presented her with a troubled marriage workshop they could try.
They did.
It didn’t make a difference, and neither did marriage counseling, where Mary said Floyd always found fault with the counselors.
Domestic Abuse & Children
Mary remains plagued with guilt about the long-lasting effects of this domestic violence on their children. She knew they listened as they fought in bed. She grimly recalls the time her daughter went on her own to see the elementary school counselor. And the time she found their two-year-old son sleeping in the hallway. Was it to keep his parents from fighting a few feet away?
Today, her children are adults. But Mary still rightfully worries deeply about their home history and the long-term effects on each of them.
Police & Marriage’s End
Mary believes she could have had Floyd arrested and put in jail multiple times throughout the marriage. “I was too embarrassed to do it.” And, her research revealed that abusers become more combative when this happens.
So, she didn’t.
Until she did.
She finally had enough and called the police who separated them.
One deputy bluntly told her something’s got to change and that they don’t want to be called to this location again. He reminded her when this happens, the situation is always worse.
The officer went so far as to ask if they fight in the kitchen and if knives are close by. She answered affirmative to both but added, “I would never do that.”
He questioned her response. “Not even in defense to protect yourself?” Adding, “You can’t say that for sure.”
Mary was taken aback and awakened.
She was advised to change the locks and not to let Floyd back in.
She predictably did.
This time she slept in a separate bedroom with a locked door.
She filed for divorce, but the effects linger.
Legal Wrangling
Judgements are a joke, per Mary.
“It will be three years of the divorce being finalized in early November 2021 and I still don’t have all of my things in the judgement.”
It would cost up to an additional $10,000 for her to hire another attorney to ‘make’ Floyd comply with the initial judgement.
Mary views this as additional abuse by Floyd. She sees it no differently than restraining orders where many women in domestic violence situations wind up dead.
“This is just another way of him still controlling. I believe he is so angry that I made his abuse publicly known.”
She questions “when are the abused going to get the attention and respect and when are court systems going to follow through?”
“When will everyone stop asking why does she stay instead of why does he act violent?”
Forgiveness & Support
It’s a daily struggle for Mary to forgive herself for choosing to remain in a domestic violence relationship. She has many regrets for not standing up for herself while repeatedly being told she was worthless.
She relies heavily on counseling, prayer, devotional readings and music to nurture her soul and heal. “In fact, these same things gave me the courage to leave.”
She is forever indebted to her co-workers and family, especially her sisters, for their unending love, support and prayers. “They listen and know the truth.”
Advice to Others
When asked what she’d say to others in her situation, Mary offered:
Surround yourself with good, trusting people and tell them honestly what is going on.
Listen to your heart and gut. They are never wrong.
Reach out to local domestic violence resources. Mary received assistance from the Abused Adult Resource Center. Abused Adult Resource Center
If a shy, low self-esteemed person like I can finally leave, know you can too.
Final Message
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust a partner again. I have the warning signs now to look out for, but I have no desire.”
Mary still believe in the institution of marriage. “I see good marriages all around me.”
Gratitude
We wish Mary peace, continued resilience and ongoing support as she continues to rebuild herself and her life.
We thank her for the courage to share her story of domestic violence and the help it will undoubtedly provide to others in similar situations.
Like & SHARE this article.
You may never know whom you may be helping by doing so.
If you’d like to share a message of hope, support or encouragement for Mary, do so below.
Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business.
Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together?
Alcohol and drug abuse, particularly prescription drugs, among those 60 and older, is one of the fastest-growing health problems in the United States.
Many consider substance abuse to be a mounting public health concern.
True Story
Ruth retired 12 years ago. Her husband of nearly 50 years died a few years back. Her children and their families live in other states. Many of her friends have died or have moved nearer their children. Some reside in an assisted living facility. Others are in nursing homes. She rarely sees them or even hears from them.
Ruth’s doctor has her on several medications for health issues associated with aging. Most days she remembers to take them.
She’s isolated and feels very alone. In the evening Ruth has a glass or two, sometimes a bottle, of wine to “help her sleep” and cope with all of these big life changes and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Before going to bed, she takes aspirin for a headache.
Is Ruth abusing alcohol?
Could grandma really be an alcoholic?
Maybe.
Substance Abuse Facts
While illicit drug use typically declines after young adulthood, nearly 1 million adults aged 65 and older live with a substance use disorder (SUD), as reported in 2018 data.1
Alcohol is the most used drug among older adults. It is often used for physical and emotional pain.
The total number of SUD admissions to treatment facilities between 2000 and 2012 differed slightly; the proportion of admissions of older adults increased from 3.4% to 7.0% during this time.2
Little is known about the effects of alcohol and drugs on an aging brain.
As one ages, physiological changes in the body lead to increased sensitivity and a reduced tolerance to drugs and alcohol. And, medical complications may interfere with the way alcohol or drugs are broken down in the body.
Herbal remedies, dietary supplements and over-the-counter medications can interact with drugs and alcohol in unpredictable ways.
Older adults metabolize substances more slowly. Therefore, their bodies and brains are more sensitive to drugs.3
Elderly often unintentionally misuse medications. They take them too often, forget to take them or take the wrong amount.
According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD), widowers 75 and older make up the majority of people suffering from alcoholism in the USA. They use it to medicate their grief.
Nearly 50 percent of nursing home residents have a problem with alcohol.4
Older adults are hospitalized for alcohol-related problems as often as they are for heart attacks.5
Doctors are often confused whether a patient is misusing substances or is showing symptoms of aging like dementia, frailty, lethargy, chronic health conditions or reactions to stressful, life-changing events in their patient’s lives. Many physicians do not screen for substance abuse. Instead, they focus on the more common medical problems of the aging.
Causes of Substance Abuse
Aging is not easy. Older adults, who struggle with the challenges of it, look for ways to self-medicate.
For many, retirement often means a loss of social connection and purpose. Children relocate and are busy with their own families and careers. Health issues become debilitating and disheartening. A lot of the things that once defined adult life are lost.
Causes of drug and alcohol abuse in older adults can include:
Loss of a loved one. Many elderly people use drugs and alcohol to comfort themselves following a major loss.
Loneliness. A trip to the local bar may be the only way seniors feel connected. They are isolated by circumstance. Maybe the children have moved away and do not remain in regular contact. Or, they’ve lost their spouse or best friend. They no longer have a daily routine since retirement. Alcohol and drugs help them feel less alone.
Health challenges. These can come on like a blizzard. Mobility issues mean loss of independence. Vision challenges may affect one’s ability to drive and lead to social isolation. Cancer, strokes and heart problems make seniors feel hopeless. Health problems can feel overwhelming and drugs and alcohol allows one to escape from the rigors of them.
Chronic Pain. It’s very common for those with chronic pain to become addicted to prescription drugs.
Financial Challenges. This is a risk factor for substance abuse at any age but especially for the elderly who may not be prepared for medical and nursing home bills.
Sleep Problems. Sleep can be a struggle for many. Maybe it’s caused by age, health problems, loss of a partner or purpose, family conflict, relocation, or anxiety. Doctors are often quick to prescribe medications to help people fall asleep. But certain sleep pills can be addictive. Some elderly choose to self-medicate with over-the-counter sleep aids, prescription painkillers or alcohol.
Unintended Abuse. Memory challenges and cognitive decline make it hard for older adults to keep track of medications. They take them too often or in a larger dose than prescribed. It is common to inadvertently take medications incorrectly, increasing the risk of developing an addiction and dependence.
Signs & Symptoms
Substance abuse in the elderly is often hard to identify, especially if the person is always homebound.
Some of the signs of substance abuse mirror signs of aging, making it difficult to recognize if there is an issue, or its extent. Also, medications that many elderly take may mask or mimic substance abuse symptoms.
General health and mental conditions increase as one ages, creating the need for greater prescription drug usage. The Psychiatric Times estimates that a quarter of all prescription drugs in the USA are sold to the elderly, and close to 11 percent of this group may abuse these medications.
Those with abuse issues feel ashamed and try to hide their addiction.
Their adult children ignore the issue, disbelieving mom or dad could be an alcoholic or drug addict at this point in their adult life.
Elder substance abuse then nearly becomes an invisible problem.
Experts say these are the most common indicators of substance abuse in the elderly:
Secretive and solitary drinking habits
Slurred speech and repeated falls
Sudden and drastic change in appearance and hygiene
Hostile and aggressive behaviors, irritability
Unexplained burns and bruises
Drinking despite warnings on prescription containers
Onset of depression or anxiety; panic attacks
Fatigue or weakness; sleep problems or sleeping during the day
Memory loss, confusion and forgetfulness, especially of date, time and place
Giving up interests and hobbies once enjoyed
Chronic health complaints not linked to obvious health problems
Loss of appetite or changes in eating habits
Losing touch with loved ones
Unable to complete activities of daily living (ADLs)
Consequences
Drugs and alcohol worsen lung and heart problems and exasperate memory issues and mood disorders.
Alcohol abuse puts older people at greater risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, liver and bone problems and memory and mood disorders.
Impaired judgment, reaction time and lack of coordination resulting from drug and alcohol use often result in accidents like falls and vehicular crashes.
It leads to greater isolation. The one abusing substances self isolates or (s)he offends family and friends, causing greater isolation.
What to Do
Little research exists on the best models of care for older adults abusing substances.
Research that is available shows that even a brief intervention by a physician or other healthcare provider can reduce drinking levels.
If you are concerned about a loved one who may be suffering from elderly alcoholism or addiction, talk to them about their habits. Be prepared. They may be embarrassed by their problems and refuse to admit they have an issue. Because of the stigma of addiction, they might believe it’s a private matter and not be willing to openly talk to you about it.
Since many older adults do not recognize the need for addiction treatment, an intervention from family, treatment professionals and/or medical professionals is vital.
Research does show
Treatment with others their age is most effective.
Older adults are compliant with treatment and have better outcomes than younger addicts.
Longer duration of care for this population results in better outcomes.
A focus on re-building support networks is vital to preventing relapse.
Since detox and withdrawal are very hard on the body, elderly addicts with serious medical conditions are best treated in a local hospital before transferring to a treatment center.
Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.
References
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2019). Results from the 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Detailed tables. Rockville, MD: Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/data/
Chatre S, Cook R, Mallik E et al. Trends in substance use admissions among older adults. BMC Health Services Research. 2017; 584(17). doi: https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-017-2538-z
Colliver JD, Compton WM, Gfroerer JC, Condon T. Projecting drug use among aging baby boomers in 2020. Annals of Epidemiology. 2006; 16(4): 257–265.
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. (2015). Alcohol, Drug Dependence and Seniors.
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. (2015). Alcohol, Drug Dependence and Seniors.
Mary, a Michigan educator and mother of three young children, lost Andy, her 38-year-old husband of 10 years, on November 20, 2020, after he died of a sudden heart attack.
If Mary could say one more sentence to Andy, it wouldn’t be the usual, “I love you sentence.”
Instead, she’d plead, “Please take care of yourself. We need you here.”
Who’s Andy?
Mary describes Andy as a hard worker, fun loving and someone filled with a zest for life. Andy was committed to helping people around him. He was a learner and a go-getter.
Professionally he was a supervisor with Grand Blanc Processing and self-employed in property management. He was known for working with his hands and enjoyed woodworking and carpentry.
Andy loved camping, fishing and hunting with his family and friends and doing outdoor things with his kids.
Andy’s Heart
Neither Mary nor Andy knew of any pre-existing health conditions prior to his shocking death. Though both were acutely aware his paternal grandfather died at age 42 from heart disease and his dad had prior open-heart surgery.
Andy was committed to seeing a doctor for an annual wellness exam. In fact, his next one was scheduled the week after his passing.
According to Mary, he rarely complained of any health malady but that week he’d often say he had heartburn and GERD-Gastroesophageal reflux disease.
Mary admits they likely missed the signs of his failing heart. “He was such a hard worker that I think his body aches from his side job of building and fixing things were more than work-related aches and pains.”
Having gone through this experience, Mary implores all to pay attention to your body, even in the busy times of life. Don’t put off being seen. “Had Andy been seen for his heartburn, maybe things would have been different.”
Dad’s Not Coming Home
Andy had been trying to fix a neighbor woman’s sink when he passed away.
The neighbor was there when he passed out, immediately administered CPR and then called the ambulance.
“When she came to tell me Andy was being taken to the hospital, I think I dismissed what she said because in my head I registered that he got hurt on the job. That is what I told my kids at first.”
Hospital
At the hospital, Mary was taken to a room, not to her husband. A doctor asked her what she knew. She said she knew Andy passed out and was taken by ambulance. “In my head I was not registering that CPR meant he was not breathing.”
The doctor had said ma’am your husband did not make it. I am so sorry.
Mary sat in shock. She began to cry for her children as they had just lost their dad.
Home
She returned home where her mother was watching the children. They sat together as Mary shared, “Daddy was a really hard worker and his heart just stopped. Daddy was dead and he was never going to come home.”
The oldest, nine-year-old, daughter, Teagan, cried uncontrollably while son, Logan, who was four at the time, seemed okay. “He was sad, but not like Teagan.”
He was very literal with his father’s death. “He’d call me a cry baby. I’d remind him it’s okay to be sad and to cry.”
In fact, Logan wanted to remove his dad’s chair from the dining room table because he would not be eating there anymore. “I told him I would like to keep the chair there.” He suggested removing other items too “because Daddy doesn’t need it anymore.”
Logan didn’t want to go to the funeral home “but I made him go to just say one last goodbye.”
Teagan stayed with Mary the whole time. “She has been my rock. She gives me hugs when I am sad and tells me she loves me.”
Now
Today, Logan talks about his dad and draws pictures of him and his little sister, Everleigh, age one, so that she will have memories of him.
Mary is well aware that each of her kids has their own way of dealing with their father’s death and that grief will continue to appear as time passes.
A Widow’s Grief
Andy and Mary both grew up in Flint, Michigan. They’d known one another since grade school. Andy was the best friend of her brother.
“I had a crush on him. I thought he was cute.”
Andy offered to take Mary to her senior prom because she didn’t have a date. “I thought that was so sweet.”
From there they had an on and off again relationship, always running back to one another.
They got engaged in April 2009 while on spring break in the Tennessee mountains.
Today, Mary misses Andy’s sly smile, humor and fun side. He was always cracking a joke or just being funny.
She’s constantly questioning if she’s doing the right thing as a mom. “Rules and consequences are on me. I became single overnight and the kids rely on me.”
She’s doing her best and admits often feeling overwhelmed.
“People say I’m so strong. It’s not that I’m strong. I have three little people needing me to get up and live every day even when I don’t want to.”
She’s going through typical emotions of grief. She’s felt
Numb. Especially at the hospital when receiving the news.
Shock. Feeling like it wasn’t real and that this could not be happening to her.
Anger and Madness. About three weeks after Andy’s passing a TV commercial aired on heart attacks. Mary became so angry that she was unaware of how bad Andy’s heartburn was and what the signs of his body aches meant. “I was mad and angry because people have heart surgery and valve replacements and stents put in and live their lives for quite a bit longer. I was mad that we did not get a chance to fix anything. After being mad and angry, I just circle back to being sad.”
Sad. Sad for her kids that they will miss their dad. He loved them so much. “I’m also sad because we had dreams of buying a new house together and raising our babies together. We had dreams of being retired and camping together.” She’s deeply sad for all of what could have been.
Mary allows herself to cry. “I literally had a day where I cried all day.” Everything set her off. Tears would not stop. Her mom offered to come take the kids.
Mary refused.
“I told her they’d just see me cry on a different day.” This is their reality at the moment. “I am sure they are going to see me cry a lot and I am not going to hide my feelings from them.”
Blame Game
Mary admits, at first, she blamed everyone for Andy’s death.
I blamed time and energy drinks. “In his last two years Andy picked up drinking energy drinks all the time. He was very busy with work and energy drinks were his go-to.”
Time, because the next week was his annual physical. “I feel sure Andy would have mentioned the heartburn to his doctor. Maybe Andy could’ve had heart surgery. I do feel energy drinks played a role in his heart attack.”
She blamed God. The day before his passing, Mary visited her brother’s grave asking him and God to watch over her family and protect them from the crazy Pandemic times.
“I was devastated and felt unheard.”
Next, she blamed her husband. Why would he let something like this happen?
She blamed herself. Andy had mentioned heartburn earlier in the week. “Why didn’t I take this more seriously and ask more questions?” She wishes she could turn back time and tell Andy to go see a doctor.
“I blamed his doctor, the people who were there with him in his time of need.”
When all was said and done, she knew “we all die and most times we don’t know when our time is up.”
Acts of Kindness
Mary’s friends and family have provided endless support.
They organized an unforgettable meal train whereby she had meals coming every day for a month. “I truly couldn’t even imagine having to try to figure out a meal for my three kids. It was so nice to have it done for me.” Along with the meal train, the group collected donations to assist in funeral expenses.
Friends let her vent. They listened to how she felt.
Family was there with an outpouring of love. Her parents live nearby and help with the kids.
“I have a village and cannot express how lucky I am to have them all in my life. I cannot imagine going through something like this alone.”
Employer
Andy’s employer reached out right away and got life insurance and retirement paperwork to Mary. They allowed her to keep his company phone and paid for several months of service. They also generously paid for three months of their health insurance-something Mary hadn’t even thought about at the time. “I cried on the phone with their kindness. I was so appreciative.”
Comfort & Surprise
Mary was both surprised and comforted when a family, whose children she’d cared for 20 years prior while working in the infant room at a daycare center, hand-delivered $500 to her at home.
“I told them I couldn’t possibly accept the money. But the dad told me I’d taken care of their babies when they needed someone and now, they wanted to help me in my time of need. I just cried. It was all I could do. He gave me a big hug and told me to get in the house and love on my 9-month-old, Everleigh, who was at the door waving.”
There were, and are, so many people who care and are kind.
It’s such a lesson and “I wish for my family to live a life of happiness and to always have love in their hearts too.”
Thank You
Gratitude & deep appreciation to Mary for sharing her story with us. Wishing she and her family much peace and happiness in the days ahead.
SHARE this post with anyone who needs to hear:
Take care of yourself.
Your family needs you here.
Listen to your body.
Seek appropriate medical care.
You matter to many.
FOOTNOTE: Don’t avoid discussing death while living. Get a will. Talk about funeral plans. Who would you like to care for your children if both parents pass at the same time? Put this in writing. Be prepared. See link below.
If you’d like to leave a message for Mary, do so below.
Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form below.
Many rejoiced! Covid was over. Life was getting back to ‘normal’.
Or, so it was thought until the recent Delta variant crept back into the everyday news cycle.
For a few brief months, when all believed this nasty virus was tamed with vaccines, Americans delighted in seeing families coming together again to celebrate and reconnect.
What Will We Do Differently?
While we all tepidly approach our public lives again it’s time to pause a bit and ask what was learned during the pandemic.
At Craft LifeStyle Management we see children finally getting back into their parent’s homes. Grandchildren into grandparent homes and neighbors into older friend’s homes.
Some of what is found and reported is heartbreaking.
Real Life Story
Recently we were asked by an out-of-state family member to enter their father’s local home. Of course, they’d been frequently visiting with him via telephone during the pandemic since he was unable to manage other modern communications.
He always sounded good on the phone-laughing, joking and openly reporting what he’d eaten. He claimed he had no problem getting up and down the stairs and that his laundry was being done. Much laughter was had when he told a story about stained clothing from all of the cooking he’d been doing.
The out-of-state family had groceries delivered. A family friend about their dad’s age regularly checked on him by calling and driving by.
Everyone was doing their best to keep dad safe since he has cancer and COPD.
Here’s what was really going on during COVID times.
Dad lied. Or, perhaps didn’t want to alarm, or bother, anyone.
The Truth
The family received their vaccines and confirmed dad had his. “Yup, all taken care of.”
They came to visit-all excited to hug and see each other.
To their dismay and heartbreak, when they arrived at the family home, it was nothing like their anticipated “Norman Rockwell family gathering.”
It was pure sorrow.
He was not washing clothes or cleaning. He was depressed and lonely.
He was not eating well.
Sure, the groceries were delivered; however, he didn’t want to cook. Instead, he ate all processed food and snacks. Thank goodness he had access to these even if they were mostly unhealthy.
Dad was unable to get up and down the stairs where his bed was. Instead, he was sleeping, eating and basically surviving on the couch.
The family took him directly to the emergency room 40 minutes away. He was not admitted but was given liquids and sent home.
Outcome
Dad is now living with his out-of-state family. He is not happy about having to abruptly leave him home, causing another level of depression.
The family is trying their best to figure this out.
What Learned
Telephone calls, Zoom meetings and Facebook messages cannot take the place of in-person interactions. The pandemic highlighted the fact that many older people are not familiar, or comfortable, with the latest technology and struggle to make meaningful contact with loved ones.
Parents have a habit of sheltering their children from bad news.
There is an increased awareness of taking care of one’s mental health. Globally, the impact on mental health from the pandemic has been devastating. There will be no “normal” way to adjust and re-acclimate to life after the events of this past year. A Kaiser Family Foundation poll reported that up to 45 percent of adults experienced negative mental health effects due to the pandemic – and an even higher percentage in those who serve as family caregivers for older senior loved ones.
Retirees are experiencing a role reversal. During the pandemic parents were getting instructions from their children. “Don’t leave the house. Order groceries online. Watch church services on your computer, etc.” Many are trying to understand what these roles look like post pandemic.
Easing back into the real world can be hard. Regaining physical strength and emotional resilience are necessary to thrive in this new post pandemic world. Most were living in fear and isolation for so long it’s hard not to want to emerge fully confident and active. However, after months of inactivity and diet changes, and likely lost muscle mass, it’s best to take it slow to adjust to this still uncertain world.
Adult children gained insight about their own retirements and how they want to age. Where would they want to live during a pandemic? Are they financially prepared? Would they be able to support themselves in an economic downturn?
Families are discussing adapting their houses and lifestyle to have their parents share a home with them.
Senior-living industry is adapting to this upheaval, planning for the future. Some have moved isolation units to the main floor instead of upper floors, allowing for access to the outdoors for fresh air and sunshine. Many placed clear panels in doorways so residents could see and talk safely to visitors. Future buildings will likely have smaller groups of units in the building rather than several dozen units down a long hallway. Even the HVAC systems are being re-thought-circulating air over smaller areas. And, communal dining and group activities will now likely be reinvented and done in smaller groups.
