aging

Turn Back Time on Toxic Aging Parents

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 2 Comments

Our world is full of regret.

Proof.

There’s a whole catalog of music focusing on forgiveness, including one of my personal favorite Cher songs-the 1989 hit, “If I Could Turn Back Time.”

What if We Could Turn Back Time?

Think about it for a minute.

What would you do differently?

What actions or choices would you seek to be forgiven for?

Start Today

In a Utopian or dream world, our parents would read this and, oh my goodness, we’d receive a call or a visit and everything would be right with our world. That is not likely to happen. Read this knowing change can happen and often does happen when all parties commit to healing and working on interactions and relationships. The key word is “work”. What are you willing to do?

If you’re a parent, especially an aging parent, with unspoken words in a fractured family with brokenhearted children, time is slipping away.

Or, if you’re the child of a toxic parent who will never find a reason to apologize, what can you start today to break the chain of toxicity?

Choices

Every day you wake up you have a choice.

You can choose to clean up your toxicity, seek understanding, ask for forgiveness and begin the healing.

Or, you can remain stubborn and self-righteous, maybe like generations before you, and pass the blame onto others, including your children.

As a parent, consider that today may be the moment for you to find the courage to mend the fractured family. Or, as a child of this type of parent to find the courage to say, “I’m done.”

What if everyone could admit their shortcomings and wrongdoings?

How about we attempt to begin the much-needed, admittedly difficult, conversations.

Why leave this world with so much heartbreak?

Acceptance

Accepting one’s own family dynamics and breaking the chain of heartbreak is the BEST possible example for one’s own children.

Know that you can never change anyone’s emotions, thoughts, behaviors or actions.

Instead, focus on doing your best and accepting and owning up to your own actions and behaviors.

Toxic Parents Defined

No parent is perfect, including me.

Before labeling your parents as “toxic” try to fully understand where they come from. Ask yourself, or better yet, ask them:

  • What was their childhood like?
  • How did their parents show or express love?
  • Did they live through the Great Depression?
  • If so, how did this affect their upbringing?
  • Were they allowed to finish high school or did they have to leave to help on the farm or the family business?
  • Did they ever say they didn’t want to raise their children the way they were raised?
  • Do they believe they did their best as parents?

Those who study human behavior describe toxic parenting behaviors as:

  • Physical, verbal and sex abuse
  • Alcohol and drug addiction(s)
  • Controllers who guilt and manipulate their children’s lives
  • Inadequate and often emotionally immature parents who require their children to be “mini-adults” asked to take on parenting responsibilities
  • Neglectful and unsupportive

No one expects that a parent engaging in decades long toxic parenting is going to somehow remarkably change as (s)he ages.

Their abusive name calling and belittling and/or abandonment may indeed actually worsen, as they age, especially if dementia is involved.

Protect Yourself

There are ways to protect yourself when being asked to step up and care for a parent you don’t like due to their historical toxicity.

You Can

Hire care-temporarily or permanently. This is especially important if a caregiving schedule created by siblings is not being adhered to. Yes, it happens. A sibling commits to a certain shift and then never shows up, especially at the last moment. Figure out what will be best for the parents, your siblings and you.

Place an invisible shield around yourself. Be proud of the fact that you are “doing the right thing” by providing care. Ignore what at any other time would be an unforgiveable or hurtful remark and focus on the caregiving.

Before entering their home, sit in the driveway and tell yourself over and over that you’ve had to deal with difficult personalities before in your life and career and that your parents are just two more of this type of person. Repeat, “I can be kind because they are becoming frail and weak and this is the right way to treat any human being.”

Use humor to stay sane. Many times, it’s the best tool. If your parent is verbally abusive and demeaning, agree with their remark and repeat it back.

At Craft LifeStyle Management, we call it the Mirror Game.

For instance, after being insulted, say, “You’re right! I don’t know what I am doing. Dang it! I wish I had the smarts to get out of a paper bag.”

Your parents may look at you like you are nuts. They are not used to your agreeing with them, especially as they age and their mind is less alert. Surprising them with humor stops the cycle of arguing and causing upset.

Seek emotional support from a loved one. But understand that at some point they may tire of hearing the same thing over and over with no change.

Remember, the change must come from you. Your parents are not realistically going to change much, if at all.

If needed, seek support from a mental health professional. Caregiving is difficult even when not caring for a toxic parent.

One way to avoid feeling resentful while caretaking is to continue to place priority on your own immediate family like adult children and grandchildren. Do not miss anything that is important to you and them, like birthdays or other special occasions.

Assume a support role for a brother or sister who may have a healthier relationship with your parent and is the primary caregiver.

Sibling interactions around parental care can cause tremendous disagreement and even severing of relationships.

If you are not the primary caregiver and you’ve turned over the care to a brother and/or sister, you have NO say in the care they are giving to your parents.

Do not be a seagull or a dictator or say, “What you should do is…”

Avoid ‘flying in to make a big mess and flying back out’ leaving it for your caretaking siblings to clean up.

Give the siblings who are doing the day-to-day care the grace and respect for what they are doing, and have done.

Get another legal guardian appointed for them. This may be an ideal option if you have the resources and know someone who will serve. Craft LifeStyle Management often coaches clients with this matter.

Detach. Choose not to care for them without guilt. This is very freeing. Let your siblings know you will support them in any way you can. You will not tell them what to do. You thank them for everything they are doing and you appreciate them. But you cannot help until, perhaps, the parent is further into their memory loss or health issue: when they are done fighting. Then, you will step back in and help.

Establish boundaries. Know what is and is not emotionally healthy for you. Protect your own physical and mental health.

Warning

Always avoid being toxic yourself. It’s hard not to want to retaliate but it’s never right to be abusive, even to an aging toxic parent.

My Observations

I’m amazed when someone is surprised to know not all parents like their children and not all children like their parents.

I’ve been in the family transition business for over three decades.

I see long-standing family dysfunction and toxicity daily. It breaks my heart to see unhealed family trauma and drama.  As painful as it is to witness on an ongoing basis it escalates when parents age and require care from those whom the world believes should love them most-their children.

What happens in reality is that ignored family pain creates a world of hurt and chaos when Mom and Dad now require care.

Trying to heal as a family when this moment ‘suddenly’ happens is quite unrealistic.

Sadly, many families never experience the blessings of healing.

It’s not unusual for the family unit to completely disintegrate after both parents have passed.

Positive Outcomes

Conversely, and our favorite outcome at Craft LifeStyle Management, is when the siblings become closer after the parents have passed and are no longer a wedge between the children.

We see first-hand the friendships being formed between siblings who do their best caring for their toxic parents. We also celebrate when we see these children parenting differently than the way they were parented.

Remember, no one is perfect-parent or child. And no child needs to live up to trying to be perfect in the parents’ eyes.

You do not need to keep going back into the lion’s den for approval. Please know that if you’ve never had their approval or acceptance, you will not likely get it now when they need care.

If you are the child of parents who played one child against another, now is the time to work on creating your own healthier relationship with your brother(s) and/or sister(s).

Real Conversations

Start real conversations. Avoid recalling painful historical actions that start with, “You did this or that…” Instead, ask questions on specific situations that have never felt right after your parents said something about a specific sibling. Often, you are clearing up misconceptions and misunderstandings from decades ago.

Healing with your siblings helps heal and/or not feeling guilty about your relationship with your parents.

Our parents make their own life choices.

You do not have to agree with them, or even accept them.

You can truly say and understand that is their choice.

And, if it means stepping back, that is your choice.

Be okay with it.

What Would You Do “If You Could Turn Back Time?”

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

© November 2020. Craft LifeStyle Management. All Rights Reserved.
Denise Craft founded Craft Lifestyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of aging, veterans, special needs adults and those in rehab during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless. 


Please contact Craft LifeStyle Management for all of your transitional needs.

Simplifying the Transition to a New Home for Seniors

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Decluttering & Downsizing

Have all of your children left the family home?

Are healthcare issues preventing you from keeping up your house and yard?

Do you want to spend more time relaxing?

Do you require some care as you age?

Has your spouse passed away?

If so, it might be time to downsize from your existing home to your next home.

Here are some tried and true tips to make this process smoother and less painful.

Craft LifeStyle Management has been helping clients transition from one home to another for over 30 years.

Please let us know how we can help you.

Contact Us Link from CLM page. http://craftlifestylemgt.com/contact/ 

Where is Your Next Home?

In a perfect world, you know where you are moving to and answers to these questions are a great way to begin downsizing and decluttering:

  • What is the floor plan?
  • How much space will you have?  
  • How many closets? What size?
  • What is the square footage of the living space and the bedroom?
  • Is there a garage? Are there shelves in it?
  • Are there rules for what items you can bring into your next home?
  • Will your furniture fit the living space? Measure everything with a tape measure. Avoid eyeballing and estimating.
  • Does your furniture fit through the doorways?
  • Is the kitchen much smaller? How many cabinets are there and how many drawers?

Sentimental Items

Try to appreciate the sentimental value of items as you sort. For example, fondly recall the memories of your wedding dress and/or your military uniform. Ask yourself if you can release these items now.

Can you take a photo of them as a keepsake memory? If so, upload photos, videos and irreplaceable mementos to a hard drive or cloud storage.

Seriously ask yourself what your children will do with these sentimental items after you are gone? Keep in mind what is sentimental to you may not be to them.

It’s okay to be disappointed if they do not want your “treasures.”  However, try not to let this disappointment affect your relationship with them, adding stress to an already challenging time.

HINT: The more sentimental an item is to you, the higher value you will place on it.

Sorting

Here’s an idea that makes sorting and downsizing less painful.

Take a video or photo of each room in your home before you start. This way you have a record of everything, especially anything you have a tough time releasing.

Sorting takes time. It can take countless hours to thoughtfully go through items you’ve been accumulating for decades.

Pace yourself.

Start early.

Enlist help, if needed. Keep in mind family will often suggest ‘you don’t need this’ or ‘throw that in the trash.’

HINT: Do not ask the family or friends whom you know will give their thoughts before you have your own moment to decide.

Know what you value and stand your ground. If you truly treasure something, keep it.

By room, place items one-by-one into one of five piles:

1. Keep-take to my next home. A good rule of thumb is one of each item. This rule is especially helpful when sorting a kitchen. For instance, one water pitcher, one cake knife and server, one corkscrew, etc.

HINT: Craft LifeStyle Management places emphasis on the “Keep.” This will be opposite of many helpers, including family.

We believe focusing on the Keep will help you quickly see what’s important to you-what you value.

HINT: Bulk items like laundry detergent and shampoo may no longer be a good fit for your smaller, downsized space.

2. Donate to one of many local charities happy to pick up your items. Or, ask family members if they need an extra bedroom set or kitchen appliance. Again, try not to be upset if they are not interested in your ‘discards.’

Do you have a collection of, for example, musical instruments or books? Find an organization that will make good use of these items. It makes the releasing less painful knowing your items will be deeply appreciated.

HINT: Over time, Craft LifeStyle Management has developed many creative ways to release to organizations. Let us share those with you.

3. Trash. Craft LifeStyle Management can recommend ways to downsize and prepare for a move without the obvious driveway dumpster.

4. Sell. Some items, including vintage clothing, might be worthy of selling online. Also consider selling items at a local consignment or antique shop.

HINT: We suggest “testing the market.” If your children, extended family, friends and neighbors are not interested in the items you are not taking to your next home, then it’s not likely they are worth the time it takes to try to sell them. Instead, donate or discard the items.

5. Maybe. If the “Maybe” pile is almost everything, then it is time to enlist professionals to help you walk through this challenging journey. Finding out “why” you are not releasing items will help you get going again.

Comfortable Peace

Downsizing involves making tough decisions. Each item goes into one of these five piles.

The goal is to touch each item only once as you place it into one of these categories and then release it.

If you can see the things you want right in front of you and feel at peace, then you are on the right track.

Craft LifeStyle Management likes to call it “comfortable peace.”

If, instead, you are anxious or feeling upset, it is time to ask for a little help. Craft LifeStyle Management is glad to work through this process with you.

HINT: Plan to take breaks. Downsizing can be emotionally and physically overwhelming. If your ‘helpers’ are planning to show up early and stay late, this may not be the most productive plan for you. Once we are tired, we can’t make clear choices. You don’t want to regret a release because ‘you couldn’t think straight any longer that day.’

Craft LifeStyle Management can help guide you during this process and ensure you aren’t throwing away or donating valuables and that you are at peace with all of your transitioning decisions.

Paper & Storage Units

You may have storage tubs or file cabinets in your home full of paper. Paper like utility bills, bank statements and/or tax filings from decades ago.

You don’t need to move all of this to your next home.

Before you shred everything, reach out to an accountant or financial advisor and ask how long you are required to keep certain documents.

Keep those and shred all others.

HINT: Today most statements can be found online, making the accumulation of paper unnecessary.

If you have “treasures” in a storage unit. Go through these items as you would the possessions in your home. Keep, Donate, Trash or Sell.

How Can We Help You?

Transitioning to your next home requires decluttering and downsizing.

Yes, it can be difficult. It is also exciting.

Let us know how we can help you as you prepare for this transition.

Contact Us Link from CLM page. http://craftlifestylemgt.com/contact/ 

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

© October 2020. Craft LifeStyle Management. All Rights Reserved.
Denise Craft founded Craft Lifestyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of aging, veterans, special needs adults and those in rehab during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless. 

What Happens to Special Needs Adults When Parents Die?

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Do you know a special needs adult living with elderly parents? Is this person your brother or sister? If so, has your family openly and frequently discussed plans for the special needs adult who may outlive Mom and Dad, and maybe you?

 If so, your family is ahead of most.

Facts

  • Special needs is a term used to describe those who require extra support because of a medical, emotional, behavioral or learning disability or impairment.
  • The number of adults with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities (I/DD) is projected to nearly double from 641,860 in 2000 to 1.2 million by 2030 1/
  • As of 2006, more than 716,00 adults with developmental disabilities were living with caregivers over the age of 60 in the United States.
  • Whether it’s medical, financial understanding or living arrangements, Craft LifeStyle Management can help guide families with special needs adults, especially those living with aging parents or those whose parents have deceased. We have years of experience helping families get the resources needed during this transition.

Living with You

You love your sibling with disabilities. In fact, the plan is that he or she will live with you after Mom and Dad die. Have you considered:

  • Has your disabled sibling been to your home many times so that he or she is familiar with the surroundings, or do you live in another geographical location?
  • How your existing family routine will be altered as you fit in the tasks and responsibilities of care for your disabled sibling? Are you fully aware of what Mom and Dad have been doing all these years to care for your brother or sister? What was their routine? Was it completely transparent and now understood by you?
  • What happens to your sibling if you become ill, disabled or lose your life?
  • How will care be provided and paid for?
  • Who will attend medical appointments and manage the financial and legal aspects of care?

Again, Craft LifeStyle Management can assist you in fully understanding the complexities of what’s involved in caring for your loved one with special needs.

In the meantime, set up a time as soon as possible to talk to your parents so that you are not left without critical information after a crisis.

The smallest details matter while caring for those with special needs.

This link http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/special-needs-adult.html provides an excellent list of questions and conversations so that you and your family are prepared for the well-being of your sister or brother. Record these conversations on paper or a computer file. Let other loved ones know where this information is since you may not be the only one that needs to access it.

Loving Choice

Everyone needs to be realistic about caring for your loved one with special needs. As parents age, they may have ongoing health challenges making it difficult to consistently care for your special needs brother or sister.

Perhaps, now, the most loving thing your family can do is find a group, assisted living or nursing home for your brother or sister.

If this is the decision, please consider transitioning your special needs sibling to this home before a parent dies. It will help ease the transition to a new home environment, which makes for one less loss after death.

Legal Protections & Financial Implications

Craft LifeStyle Management ensures you have formal legal documents and protection in place for caring for your brother or sister. We help you understand the financial implications of this care.

We surround ourselves with highly qualified and trained professionals who specialize in special needs life-care planning.

We will sit side-by-side with you while subjects like this are discussed with you:

  • Special Needs or Supplemental Needs Trusts
  • Pour-Over Will
  • Last-to-Die Life Insurance Policies
  • Powers of Attorney for Healthcare and Property
  • Power of Attorney for Advocacy
  • Medicaid Gifting Powers
  • Guardianship Documents
  • Letter of Intent or Direction

Please contact Craft LifeStyle Management for assistance with making informed decisions regarding the special needs adults in your life. http://craftlifestylemgt.com/contact/

Reference     
1. Heller T. People with intellectual and developmental disabilities growing old: an overview. Impact. 2010;23(1).

More Information

https://ici.umn.edu/products/impact/231/default.html

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

© September 2020. Craft LifeStyle Management. All Rights Reserved.

Denise Craft founded Craft Lifestyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of aging, veterans, special needs adults and those in rehab during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to the end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless. 

Home Modifications to Age in Place

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

More seniors are choosing to age in place than ever before. This is partly due to long-term care costs. In addition, the Baby Boomer generation has been privileged to have a more active lifestyle than generations before them, allowing greater health in older years.

Technology and availability of more services, like home care, are also making it easier for older adults to independently remain in their own homes.

Definition

Home modification means materially changing a senior’s home to make it easier for them to safely move around. It also involves removing potential hazards to support independent living.

Falls, often resulting in broken bones, are the #1 reason seniors lose their mobility, thus their independence.

To avoid this, home modifications, supporting aging in place, typically address three areas.

• Safety

• Accessibility

• Convenience

Help is Available

Craft Lifestyle Management and Craft Homes http://craftlifestylemgt.com/craft-homes/, supported by a team of professionals like occupational therapists, have years of experience with home modifications.

We can assist you, or a family member, in creating a safe space for those choosing to age in place.

We will walk through the home with you and make suggested modifications.

We’ll also introduce you to products and services that will make you and your loved ones feel safer in the home while aging in place.

Our Craft Homes team can make the physical upgrades on your schedule and within your budget.

BONUS: Peace of Mind-Family members who cannot be with their aging loved ones all the time can have peace of mind knowing these modifications will create a safer place for their aging family member.

Basic Modifications

You Can Do

Clear Excess In Rooms

Remember, falling is the #1 reason seniors lose their independence.

Ensure each room, including the front door entryway, has plenty of space to maneuver around, especially if your loved one relies on a mobility aid like a cane, walker or wheelchair.

Remove unnecessary furniture. Clear pathways and hallways. Leave plenty of space to move around without bumping into anything.

Remove or Fix Trip Hazards

Rugs beautify space; however, they often are trip hazards. Remove area and other floor rugs or secure them to the floor to avoid slips and falls.

Are there extension cords running across floors? Find another way. Cords are definite trip hazards.

Level uneven areas of flooring throughout the home. Minimize height differences between flooring types to avoid tripping hazards. NOTE:1/8” or more is a trip hazard.

Assess Lighting

Not enough light can increase tripping, thus falls. Too much light creates glare. Make sure the home is well lit, always.

By age 75, most people require twice as much light as the normal recommended standard, and nearly four times as much as a 20-year-old, to see satisfactorily (Dementia Services Development Center – The Importance of Lighting).

Consider putting nightlights in hallways and in bathrooms. Use table or floor lamps in sitting areas and put adhesive countertop lights under cabinets.

NOTE: Changing light bulbs is often risky for seniors. To avoid having to change lights frequently, switch all lights to LED bulbs. Most are rated up to 50,000 hours.  

Raise the Toilet Seat

Low toilet seats are a major hazard for falls. Install a raised toilet seat with handles and/or grab bars next to the toilet.

Change the Shower Head

Install a handheld shower head. These are easier to use while seated or while holding on to a grab bar.

NOTE: Craft Homes can help you install grab bars and other safety equipment and tools to avoid slips and falls.  If someone in your family does the installation, for your safety, make sure the grab bar holds up to 250 pounds or more and that it is installed by screwing it into wall studs, not just the sheetrock.

Replace Door Knobs

Arthritis or other conditions that limit motion make using round doorknobs challenging. Replace these with lever-style ones, which are much easier to grip since they don’t require a twisting motion.

More Involved Modifications

Contact Craft LifeStyle Management for an In-Home Assessment

Remember any modification that ensures safety and helps you or your loved one live independently for as long as possible is well worth considering.

Craft LifeStyle Management will work with your time schedule and budget. We will schedule a convenient in-home assessment and begin any modification work when you are ready.

Contact Us. http://craftlifestylemgt.com/contact/

Widen Doorways

Doorways must be at least 32” wide for a wheelchair to move easily through it but 36” wide to accommodate a turn, like from a hallway into a room.

In addition to the actual widening construction, sometimes light switches and electric wires must be moved.

Pocket doors may be recommended instead. Using pocket doors has two advantages: doors are no longer in the way when open and wheelchairs don’t get caught on hinges.

NOTE: Sometimes just flipping a door to open to the other side is all that’s needed. Every option to create accessibility and contain cost will be explored with you.

Adjust Kitchen Countertops

Regular countertops stand about 34 inches off the floor. Adjusting countertops to 30 inches makes it easier for someone in a wheelchair or scooter to enjoy daily activities like cooking.

Cabinetry with pull out drawers is a real bonus for those wanting to enjoy working in their kitchen longer.

NOTE: Simply lowering a microwave makes a huge difference for independence.

Install Slip-Resistant Flooring

Choose flooring that is soft so bones are less likely to be broken if a fall happens. Also consider installing flooring that is easy to clean and stays clean.

While hard surfaces like wood and stone floors are easier to clean and more sanitary, they have less traction and are just that-hard. Carpet is softer and warmer and provides more cushion if there’s a fall. Yet carpet is more challenging for mobility aids like walkers and wheelchairs.

Engineered vinyl planks may be an ideal option for those wanting a hard surface. They are both easy to clean and hold up well to liquid spills. This flooring looks and feels like hardwood floors. They also have texture so they’re less slippery than real hardwood floors.

NOTE: If you don’t want to replace bathroom tile that’s in great shape, buy ADA approved anti-slip coating and roll it on with a paint roller.

Build a Wheelchair Ramp

If the home is not zero entry, meaning it has zero steps and a minimal threshold, you may need to have a wheelchair ramp built and installed.

The most obvious use of the ramp is for wheelchair accessibility but ramps also eliminate the need to navigate steps, which is often difficult for those with balance issues.

If the home is zero entry, ensure there is a covered entryway to protect you from snow and rain. Regularly have your drainage systems checked. Don’t allow rain to puddle or ice to form by the entryway.

Change Faucets

Replace twist faucet handles with levers. Or, install touchless faucets on the kitchen and bathroom sinks for those with arthritis or other grip issues.

Install anti-scald faucets in the bathtub or shower. These prevent sudden bursts of hot water when cold water is diverted due to a toilet being flushed or the washing machine being filled.

NOTE: A simpler way to avoid scalding is to lower the water heater temperature to 120 degrees or less. 

Replace the Bathtub

A walk-in shower provides much easier and a safer entry than a bathtub. It makes showering independently possible.

If space or budget don’t allow for a walk-in shower, definitely have a safety bar added to the tub and install safety strips.

You can also purchase a bathtub transfer bench. https://makedisabilityeasier.com/how-to-use-a-transfer-bench-for-the-bathtub-and-shower or use a bathtub chair. Transfer benches are safe and affordable and highly recommended.

A walk-in or siting tub option is also available, though much more costly. These serve as a stand-up or sit-down shower as well as a deep soaking tub.

Move the Bedroom

The bedroom should be on the main floor of the house.

Craft Homes can definitely help you redesign your space to make this happen.

Contact Us. http://craftlifestylemgt.com/craft-homes/

NOTE: Alternatively, you may want to install a chair lift or elevator.

More Information

Click to access RT-Aging-in-Place-Safe-at-Home-Checklist.pdf

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

© August 2020. Craft LifeStyle Management. All Rights Reserved.

Denise Craft founded Craft Lifestyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of aging, veterans, special needs adults and those in rehab during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to the end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless. 

Please contact Craft LifeStyle Management for all of your transitional needs.

Greg Craft founded Craft Homes in 1980. Since then, he’s been involved in home building, redesign and modification.

Contact Craft Homes at PHONE: 402.578.5911 or Crafthomes.greg@gmail.com or denise@craftlifestylemgt.com

Aging Parents: Six Daily Reminders

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 4 Comments

By guest contributor -Karen (Dutt) Horan.

“I’ve become a burden,” sighed my 87-year-old father Jack from his Fargo, North Dakota hospital bed. “You’re missing work and being with your family.” He was right. I’d missed 4 days of work, sitting beside him after he was airlifted from Bismarck. And my daughter and grandson, who’d flown to Bismarck for an extended weekend, were waiting for us to get back home. But Dad was wrong about being a burden. To our family Dad always has been a shining example of how to live one’s life.
He is one of those guys from the “greatest generation” who’s always been fiercely independent Uncle Jackand responsible. He spent his life being a good son, brother, husband, dad, grandpa and great-grandpa. He was the neighbor who minded his own business, but was always  there to help. He was a loyal employee, showing up every day and working hard to provide well for his family. He continues to work part-time for the local school system, managing sporting event parking lots and taking tickets at games because he loves the energy of the student athletes and spectators. He lives independently, drives, gardens, cleans, cooks, pays his bills and, until three weeks ago, avoided going to the doctor like the plague.
In an instant an episode of dizziness and a frantic phone call changed everything. It brought me face-to-face with a father depending on me for health care assistance and decisions.

Now we’re traveling a new road, balancing dignity with care. I know more about Dad’s health than he’s comfortable with. I’m trying to help him understand medical information, procedures, plans and options, while continuing to respect him as the man who raised me. Dad doesn’t feel the need to know his blood pressure is high, but I freak out because of my Mom’s history of strokes. Dad doesn’t want to hear the arterial bleed he has can cause him to bleed out or stroke out, but I need to remind him why he can’t lift or strain in any way. Dad doesn’t want to give himself shots in the stomach, so I do it and tease him that he fusses like a girl. I don’t want to remind and check up on whether or not he’s taken his medicine twice a day, but I can’t relax until I know it’s been done. He doesn’t want to call and report to me when he’s going somewhere, but I need to know he’s safe.

To navigate this new frontier with Dad, I’ve created a list of 6 reminders for myself.

These 6 Reminders Are:

  • Allow Dad to experience his life and comfortable routines. His current medical situation shouldn’t change his life any more than absolutely necessary.
  •  Slow down and process information and situations at Dad’s pace, not mine.
  •  Include Dad in all decisions. As an only child there is no one else to include. Even if there was, he should be included.
  •  Preserve Dad’s privacy and modesty in all situations.
  •  Reinforce who the patient is when medical personnel talk about Dad as if he isn’t present.
  •  Allow myself to be imperfect. Dad and Mom didn’t get everything right when they raised me and I’m not likely to get everything right in this matter with Dad’s health. Always keeping the love I have for him first, I know things will be all right.

May his soul rest in peace. (Deceased 12.17.18.)

Reis Girls July 2014 129 - CopyKaren (Dutt) Horan (Mike) is an energetic Bismarck, ND professional. She is the mother of two and grandmother of two, with another grandchild expected in 2015. She is the daughter of Jack and the former Teresa (Reis) Dutt. Karen is an avid reader who enjoys gardening and spending time on the Missouri River aboard her pontoon. The most  precious hours of her day are the ones she spends with her family. Karen has discovered that respect and love are the guiding forces for dealing with an aging parent’s health.

If you would like to be considered a guest blogger, contact me below.

If you have a message for Karen or her Dad, leave a comment below. Thanks!

Copyright. September 2015. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Fine Art of Moving

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 5 Comments

Ken & I at Vermillion, SD truck stop on May 2015 moving day
Ken & I at Vermillion, SD truck stop on May 2015 moving day

Decades ago while dating I recall being told the best way to determine long-term compatibility is to take a trip together. Ken and I traveled often and are celebrating 23 years of marriage in June 2015. I’d say that was timeless, sage advice.

Now I feel it’s my turn to offer some words of wisdom. If one wants to find out what character his/her partner is made of…MOVE. Move often. Who each is prior to sorting, selling, boxing, loading, driving and then unloading and unboxing remains through the entire process. I know this. We’ve moved seven times during our married life and each time the roles we play remain the same…in other words…we do not change much, despite our changing surroundings.

I am the planner, producer, facilitator and director. You get it…the boss…the leader. Ken, my husband, to use a good ole’ Southern phrase, “God bless his soul,” abides by my directives and does the heavy lifting and stacking. He hires the truck and labor. Apparently, time has taught him not to question or second guess my prep work and research. Alex, our son, the college dude, seeks to refine my directives with the precision of a logistics engineer, completely finding unnecessary my need for sentiment and time to pause and recall memories associated with items he considers ‘things.’

Sentimental item kept-my baby shoes.
Sentimental item kept-my baby shoes.

His goal is to get to the location and unpack, touching each item once while packing, once while loading and once while unloading. He fusses and hurries me along as I share legends of items stored away in cedar chests and cardboard boxes. I wonder if he thoughtfully considers his response when I ask, “Will you use or appreciate this one day?”

There is a fine art to moving. I equate it to a great symphony piece. First, I gather items by theme-kitchen cookware, flatware, linens, decorative items, etc. and sort. It sounds so cerebral, but in reality, it never gets easier, though with each move we downsize. What goes to a consignment shop? What will I attempt to sell? What is donated? What do I want to pass on to Alex? What can’t I part with just yet?

Fine art of moving-starts out messy.
Fine art of moving-starts out messy.

Actions ensue. I box and cart items to each destination. Ahhh. The house feels lighter. I feel good. I gather empty boxes we’ve saved from previous moves and do my best to pack alike items in a logical fashion. I bubble wrap breakables and touch each saved item with care, recalling how it came into our lives. I like doing this in solitude without the rush of deadlines and the push toward the end goal–boxing and moving on. I’m goal oriented, but not without nostalgia.

I call charitable organizations and schedule pick up times. During the recent move, we donated to the Furniture Mission in Sioux Falls, SD. They were gracious and expedient in their pick up. I watched them load items once considered valuable possessions but knew would not last through yet another move. I felt a loss of the material goods but joy at helping another family furnish a house. After they clear the garage, the items that escaped another cut and were boxed are moved to the garage awaiting the moving truck and the loaders. If these items had feelings, they’d be celebrating. They made the cut! They are prized and belong to the family.

Made the cut-boxed and in the garage awaiting truck.
Made the cut-boxed and in the garage awaiting truck.

I hesitantly sell items through the Internet, but never unless Alex or Ken is there with me when a potential buyer arrives. I’m 100 percent in my sales. Perhaps I missed my calling. I sell at list price and often the buyer leaves with more items than he came to get. Am I that good, or does the sentiment attached to the items I’m hawking come through so loudly that the buyer is purchasing that intangible as well? Either way. Ca..ching. Another item gone. One less thing to load on the moving truck.

All these actions happen virtually at the same time-list, respond to inquiries, arrange visits to see the items, greet potential buyers, sell, pull more items out of cupboards and cabinets, decide what goes and what stays, bubble wrap, touch each item, recall its’ origin, cart off to a donation site, wait on charitable organizations to arrive, box, move boxes to garage, on and on and on. If done well, the symphony of moving results in a feeling of relief, joy and peacefulness. If not, it’s utter chaos with shrieking and leaving in protest.

We’ve moved seven times. We each understand our role in the process and play our part. It requires practice but our individual character remains. As with musicians, each of us has learned a specialization in the process and sticks to it to make the overall piece and process flow smoothly and flawlessly.

We sorted. We donated. We sold. We packed. We loaded. We moved. We arrived safely. We can each say we enjoyed the fine art of moving in May 2015. We remember moving is like a symphony-each has a specific role to play for it to be a memorable production.

Sonata!

Jubilant moving producer arrives at destination.
Jubilant moving producer arrives at destination.

Copyright. June 2015. Linda Leier Thomason