Parenting

Stop Being the Ass of the Family

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Family Character Definitions

All of us play a role in our family of origin-the family we were born into and/or the family we grew up in.

Family roles shape how we interact with each other in the family system.

At times, these roles function to create and maintain a balance in the family system. Other times we have to navigate our way through complex family dynamics and role-playing. This is particularly true when families are in a position of caring for a frail, ill and/or aging family member.

Three decades of working with families in transition has shown us consistent behaviors between and among family members. So consistent, that Craft LifeStyle Management has given names to the behaviors.

Which One Do You See Yourself As?

Dictator. This person thinks they are in charge. All of their answers are correct and the best. They talk over everyone. Most of the time this person is clueless about the reality of the situation.

Seagull.  Seagulls are less informed than dictators. They fly in and crap over everything and quickly fly back out leaving nothing but a mess and a lot of hurt feelings.

Eeyore. This character is a miserable, pessimistic and gloomy old stuffed donkey belonging to Christopher Robin. His closest friend is Winnie the Pooh. Eeyore’s wallow and complain. Their general attitude is “woe is me” and everything is always bad.

Geographically challenged. They get to do everything because they live closest to mom and dad. Every day they’re challenged with balancing care of their loved ones with care of their own family while likely also working. They are challenged with scheduling medical appointments and getting parents to them. Family living out of the area are often unaware of what they are going through and how time-consuming caregiving is. “I know you’re busy but Mom called and said she needs groceries. Can you go get them since you live nearby?”  The personality of this person often dictates the rest of the family dynamics. 

Entitled. It’s all about me. “I should get it.” “I deserve to have it.” “I did this.” “I did that.” Entitled’s should ask themselves, “If I have to tell everyone what I deserve and how much I have done, have I really done anything?”

Golden child. Generational favoritisms are hard to break. The majority of time, the golden child is either the oldest or youngest son. In large families it could be both.

Smooshed Cream in the Middle of an Ice Cream Sandwich Cookie. Imagine a hot summer day where you are enjoying an ice cream sandwich cookie. You repeatedly squish it down and lick around the edges until it’s two messy cookies pressed together. This is when Craft LifeStyle Management receives the call from a family member. There is absolutely nothing else to lick away and you’re smashed together. That ice cream filling is parental care, family life, child activities, jobs, marriages, homes, outside commitments, etc. Pile on deteriorating parental health or a medical crisis like a fall, requiring hospitalization. No one has any more ice cream filling to give. The gooey middle has met the crisis cookie.

Ostrich. Self-explanatory. Ostriches stick their heads in the ground. They are in total denial.

Donkey. Donkeys are generally harmless. Everyone knows what the slang for donkey is-the ass of the family. Mostly the dumb things the ass has done are not out of malice. It is just out of stupidity. Donkeys are usually likeable and easy to get along with.

Rooster. Roosters puff up their chests. They cross their arms and do not need any help handling matters. They raise their voices and have an attitude from the first “hello my name is.” Over time, Craft LifeStyle Management has learned roosters are usually the ones who have sucked Mom and Dad dry. Often, they’ve been sponging off of them forever.

Roach. Roaches come out at night; therefore, they’re a little under the radar picking at all the pieces left to fall on the ground. They think everything has a ridiculously high value. They don’t tell you they want all the items even if other siblings want them. Mediation generally has to happen between roosters and roaches.

Clergy or Keeper of the Cloth. This character ranks right up there with the Roach and the Rooster. However, they disguise their approach using faith-based lines. “God bless you,” or “God keep you.” “I want nothing just for God to watch down on me and know I’m doing the right thing.” “Bless you.” “Shall we pray?”

They claim they want the high-priced items like wedding and engagement rings not for the monetary value but rather sentimental value. It meant so much to whoever the deceased is (Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle, etc.)  Usually, the clergy or keeper of the cloth hasn’t been around to help. They’ve been very busy helping so many others due to their serious faith commitments.

CAUTION:  It’s proven that the rooster, the roach and the clergy always despise each other.

The following list of family roles was published by Our Programs | (innerchange.com).

Consider the above roles and these.

Which Role Do You Play? Which Do You Want to Play?

  • Hero: This is the “good” and “responsible” child. This person is a high achiever, carries the pride of the family, and he/she overcompensates to avoid looking or feeling inadequate. He/she is often a good leader and organizer and is goal-oriented and self-disciplined. Sometimes the hero lacks the ability to play, relax, follow others, or allow others to be right.
  • Rescuer: The rescuer takes care of others’ needs and emotions and problem-solves for others in the family. The rescuer might have difficulty with conflict. He/she takes on the role of rescuer in the name of helping others, though it is often to meet his/her own needs, such as relieving anxiety. This person doesn’t realize that sometimes helping hurts. He/she also lives with a lot of guilt and finds it challenging to focus on him/herself.
  • Mediator: The mediator can be a rescuer-type although he/she works to keep peace in the family system. This person does the emotional work of the family to avoid conflict. He/she acts as a buffer, and does it in the name of helping others, although it may be for his/her needs. This can be a healthy role depending on how the person mediates.
  • Scapegoat/Black sheep: This is the person the other family members feel needs the most help. Usually this is the family member in need of treatment or in treatment. This person often shows the obvious symptoms of the family being unable to work through problems. The person may have strengths such as a sense of humor, a greater level of honesty, and the willingness to be close to his/her feelings. Yet there can also be an inappropriate expression of feelings, and the person may experience social or emotional problems.
  • Switchboard: This person is the central information center in the family. He/she keeps track of what’s going on by being aware of who is doing what and when. This person has strength in being the central person to go to and understanding how the family is doing. However, this person focuses on everyone else’s issues rather than his/her own.
  • Power broker: This person works at maintaining a hierarchy in the family with him/herself at the top. His/her safety and security with life depends on feeling in control of the environment around him/her.
  • Lost child: The lost child is the subservient good child. He/she is obedient, passive, and hidden in the family trauma. He/she stays hidden to avoid being a problem. Generally, this person is flexible and easygoing. However, he/she lacks direction, is fearful in making decisions, and follows without questioning.
  • Clown: The clown uses humor to offset the family conflict and to create a sense that things are okay. This person has a talent to readily lighten the moment, but he/she hides his/her true feelings.
  • Cheerleader: The cheerleader provides support and encouragement to others. There is usually balance in taking care of his/her own needs while providing a positive influence on those around him/her.
  • Nurturer: This person provides emotional support, creates safety, is available to others, and can be a mediator. He/she focuses on having and meeting emotional needs, usually in a balanced manner.
  • Thinker: The thinker provides the objective, reasoning focus. His/her strength is being able to see situations in a logical, objective manner. However, he/she may find it difficult to connect emotionally with others.
  • Truthteller: This person reflects the system as it is. At times the challenge is how that information is relayed. Other members in the family might be offended or avoid the truthteller because of the power of the truth he/she holds. Strength occurs when this person is coupled with another positive role, such as a nurturer or cheerleader.

More Information

Roleplaying: The 6 Family Roles We’re All Familiar With — Insightful Innovations

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/Roles-Within-the-Family.aspx

How to Handle Siblings in Denial About a Parent’s Declining Health – AgingCare.com

If Craft LifeStyle Management can assist you and your family during times of transition, please contact us.  We’ve been serving older Americans and their families for over three decades and are ready to assist you in your time of transition.
What We Do – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

©August 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for CraftLifeStyle Management.

10 Ways to Begin Healing from An Emotionally Absent Mother

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 4 Comments

Everyone has a mother.

Mother’s Day elevates the importance of this role and can be especially painful for anyone experiencing the death or absence of a mother in their life.

While cards are bought, flowers delivered and gifts given, there are those who grieve for something they do not feel or experience, or maybe never had-a bond with their mother.

Unrelatable

Those in loving close relationships with their mothers, especially within the same family, find it difficult to understand that the opposite can be true.

In fact, they may alienate, or be mad at, a sibling estranged from their mother. They cannot comprehend the hurt, secrecy and shame of being on the outside of the family unit and that collective bond. They may also feel the favoritism but not know how to change it. They can’t. No one can.

There is no grasp on the deep scars and hurt from being rejected by their shared mother.

It simply doesn’t mirror their own personal experience. Nor, does it fit the universal mother myth–that all mothers love their children.

Focus

Researchers have long studied parental absence, neglect and abandonment on the family dynamic. Considerable research also exists on what happens to a family structure when a mother dies, at any age.

For those whose mothers have died, solace may be found in reading Hope Edelman’s book of comfort, help and understanding when a mother dies- “Motherless Daughters.” Motherless Daughters | Hope Edelman

This piece focuses only on mother’s who are emotionally absent from their daughters’ lives, subsequent effects of that and ways to heal from the rejection.

It does not cover neglectful mothers who, themselves, were raised by loving, supportive mothers. This subject will be covered in a future post.

What is an Emotionally Absent Mother?

Definitions

Emotional Intelligence: Ability to use our feelings to inform our thoughts.

Emotionally Absent Mothers: Unaware and insensitive to emotional experience of their children.

Who is She?

Emotionally absent mothers are too busy, stressed out or self-absorbed to see who a daughter really is. This sort of mother doesn’t even realize being emotionally present is a critical role she should play.

Instead, she treats all of her children the same, never seeing each for their unique interests and characteristics.

She provides for the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter but emotional needs such as acceptance, validation and unconditional love aren’t given.

Feelings are never acknowledged or spoken about. And, if the daughter dares express an emotion or feeling, she may hear harsh responses from her mother like, “Get over yourself.” Or, “So and so has it much more difficult than you do,” and “Stop being so weak, needy and sensitive.”

In managing her daily family life, an emotionally absent mother may have neglected, or been absent from the lives of, her child(ren) whom she saw as stronger. She may not have even realized they still needed her to listen to and understand them.

At the time, it’s sort of a compliment to the “strong” child but it has lifelong emotional consequences.

Generational Absenteeism

Jasmine Lee Cori, author of The Emotionally Absent Mother, explains many of these mothers were severely unmothered themselves; therefore, they are emotionally underdeveloped and have no idea what a close healthy parent-child relationship looks like. The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed by Jasmin Lee Cori (goodreads.com)

In her book Running on Empty, Dr. Jonice Webb offers help in identifying feelings and suggests healthy ways for expressing emotions to those who were never taught this as children. Running On Empty By Dr. Jonice Webb | Dr. Jonice Webb

She shares that daughters of emotionally absent mothers often believe, and act, like their feelings don’t matter; therefore, “I don’t matter.” These daughters learn, at an early age, to bottle up, or stuff, their feelings and have no tools or experience to tap into them as an adult.

Dr. Webb writes, “When your emotions are blocked off, your body feels it. Something vital is missing. You sense this deeply, and it does not feel good. You are emotionally numb.”

Consequences

When feelings are discounted, we get discounted.

  • Many learn it’s not safe to share their inner world, so they numb themselves with alcohol, food, drugs and work to distract themselves from unwanted emotions. They put on a suit of emotionless armor every day so they are protected from hurt and rejection.
  • Daughters of emotionally absent mothers find it extremely challenging to build healthy adult relationships, especially with other females. There is a lack of trust and fear of abandonment. They become armored, wary and defensive. They feel too ashamed to share why they act and react like they do.
  • Not feeling seen, accepted and loved unconditionally results in daughters feeling unsure of themselves and doubting if they deserve to be valued for who they are.
  • There is consistent self-worth doubt and anxiety around internal issues. “Am I lovable?”
  • A longing to feel loved, which was denied as a child, often results in looking to form intense bonds quickly, which can scare off intimate partners who do not understand the origin of this needy behavior.
  • Many daughters feel like orphans. They fear abandonment and lack trust in others. She can’t reach out to the mother or her siblings for comfort and support. This may result in acceptance of loneliness and complete self-reliance in one’s life.

The emotional pain of rejection from either parent, or both, has considerable long-lasting effects on a child’s personality. Unlike physical pain, this pain is relived repeatedly for years.

It may show up in the child at any age with low self-esteem and high self-doubt feeling:

  • Anxiety                
  • Insecurity
  • Numbness
  • Closed Off
  • Emptiness
  • Loneliness
  • Unlovable
  • Invisible
  • Misunderstood
  • Hostility

10 Ways to Begin Healing from an Emotionally Absent Mother

Motherless daughters feel persistent grief for many years, some forever. But this loss peaks when the daughter experiences milestones in her own life where she’d benefit from mothering herself. Moments like child delivery, child rearing, health crises and marital challenges.

There are ways to heal from a mother’s emotional neglect through knowledge, understanding and action.

These include:

Her

  • Find a substitute mother role model. There are many excellent examples of emotionally available mothers, perhaps within one’s own extended family. Seek someone who is emotionally responsive, nurturing, unselfish and emotionally open. Make sure you can go to her with any emotion, not just the happy ones.
  • Practice acceptance and forgiveness. Understand your mother’s limitations. She may not have had the tools and experience to mother you based on her own history. Accepting this paucity will give you peace as you seek counsel and comfort from someone else. Avoid turning back to her for emotional support, which she is likely incapable of giving you. Find peace by letting go of the need for your mother’s validation. Stop waiting for her to admit she failed you and caused you suffering. Move forward.
  • Set realistic expectations. Quit waiting for your emotionally absent mother to take an interest in you and your life, or even to love you. People are consistent. She will act as a grandparent as she did as a parent. Don’t be disappointed when she has no curiosity about your children, her grandchildren, either. Don’t speak bad about her in front of your children. Instead, be fully present and show that change is possible without trying to change others.
  • Accept that your mother will favor, and be more comfortable with, your siblings who didn’t, and don’t, require her to be emotionally present. Be aware and okay with the fact that she may not want to spend time alone with you. She most likely knows that she lacks the ability to give you the intimacy you so desire and is very uncomfortable, perhaps even making herself sick, when you’re present.
  • Distance yourself from your mother and put limitations on your interactions by finding a way that honors you. For instance, a 30-minute call one time a month or visiting her only when others are present. Accept that your strong wish to have a close mother-daughter relationship will never happen. Be at peace and focus on your own career, family and life.

You

  • Approve of yourself. Make yourself a priority. Believe you are worthy of the effort to get to know yourself. Be okay with self-care. Give yourself permission to feel. Don’t deny your own feelings or be afraid to express them as you were taught as a child. Advocate for yourself as you would for your child. Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat healthy. Journal. Quiet your mind. Read. Meditate. Be present with yourself. Do your best. Forgive yourself.
  • Establish reciprocal friendships that are fun but yet deep and meaningful and where your feelings are heard, understood and valued. Learn to identify and express your needs and wants. Be patient. Accept that you are still in the process of learning what you want, more less asking for it. 
  • Focus on your own family (or family of friends). If you have children, start a new pattern by being a safe place for your children’s emotions. Help them name the feeling and seek ways to deal with them. Listen. Be comfortable even with their uncomfortable feelings like anger, frustration, fear and sadness. Try to stay present and focus on the many blessings in your life, including your children, not the love and attention you missed from your mother.
  • Seek therapy with a professional trained in estrangement and abandonment. Or, talk to yourself by writing out your experiences and feelings to get clarification and contentment. Finding another woman with a similar experience to share your thoughts and feelings with is also helpful.
  • Work on building your confidence and self-esteem by setting goals, working hard to achieve them, and celebrating when you do. Your self-confidence will grow when you “impress yourself.” Become an authority on your own life.

As great spiritual teacher and life coach Iyanla Vanzant Home – Iyanla Vanzant | New York Times Best-Selling Author says, “You don’t get to tell people how to love you or how to love. You get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they are loving you.”

Finally, recognize that this journey of understanding and acceptance of an emotionally absent mother is not easy nor straight-lined. Be patient and kind to yourself, knowing you have value, are loved and deserving of inner peace.

Denise’s Insight

This subject matter is quite difficult because it is rarely spoken of and there are so many layers to it. It’s sort of taboo. Yet, it exists.

I’m not writing about it to be controversial. Rather, since it’s near Mother’s Day and we always have clients struggling with this issue, I wanted to share our perspective and experience with this touchy, very complicated, subject.

As you read the post, maybe you even thought to yourself, “Oh, my goodness! This is how I grew up.” Perhaps you even thought this was ‘normal.’

It isn’t. And, it becomes very challenging when an emotionally absent mother has declining health and the daughter feels obligated to care for her.

This is where Craft LifeStyle Management steps in with our 3+ decades of experience to assist in ensuring your mother receives the care she needs while protecting your soul as well.  If you’re in need of help, contact us. Contact – Craft Lifestyle Management (craftlifestylemgt.com)

My precious daughter and grandbabies.

On a personal note, when I grow up, I want to be just like my daughter, Summer, who has two children of her own.

I recently asked her if she learned to be such a great mother by watching me and learning what not to do. She responded with, “NO!”

Thank you for that, sweet Summer! Happy Mother’s Day to you!

It’s not a secret I personally grew up with an emotionally absent mother. We lost her to Alzheimer’s, starting 10 years prior to her death April 2020. The last six years she was here on earth but her mind was not. It truly was a blessing when she passed.

I understand this subject matter. I am here to support you!

More Information

How an Emotionally Absent Mother Impacts Her Daughter’s Life – WeHaveKids – Family

Rejection By This Parent Does Most Damage To Personality – PsyBlog (spring.org.uk)

Abandonment issues: Signs, symptoms, treatment, and more (medicalnewstoday.com)

©May 2021 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

Parents Matter in Black Lives

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

A Father & Son Speak

Do all black men fear the police?

Do they support the Black Lives Matter Movement?

Do they feel pressure to address today’s issues?

What lessons were they taught as young black men?

How do they succeed being black men?

How do pre-teen black males see the world today?

I wanted to know.

So I reached out to a South Carolina father and son for answers.

Let’s learn what a 40-year-old black man and his 12-year-old son feel about recent events including the George Floyd killing, Black Lives Matter Movement, and the anti-police sentiment.

Background

Jason and Jessica, Summerville, South Carolina, have been married for 19 years and have three children. One daughter is in college. The other will be a senior in high school. Their 12-year-old son will enter seventh grade in the fall.

Jason, the youngest of three boys, served in the U.S. Army (Watertown, New York and Honolulu, Hawaii). His parents both proudly served in the military. So, he’s also lived in Guam and attended primary school in California and Nevada.

Today he’s a Government Contracting Terminal Manager for bulk storage and distribution.

Lessons Taught by Parents

Q: Did your parents speak to you in your youth about the realities of being a black man?

A: Yes, at a young age, they spoke to us about what it meant to be a young black man but mostly about what it meant to be a young man period.

They emphasized:

  • A man provides for his family. He protects them and loves them. He teaches his family how to navigate through life by setting the standard.
  • Never hit a woman.
  • Treat people as you’d want to be treated.
  • Always repay your debts.
  • Be a man of your word. [My Mom’s most important lesson.]
  • Dream big, but set goals that are attainable.
  • Be prepared.
  • Work twice as hard because nothing will be given to you.
  • Respect your elders. Many people have made sacrifices for you to be able to live in the way you do.
  • Honor your parents and family members. We are all we have.
  • Respect the country even though it has not always respected us as black people.
  • Rise above! There is no limit to what you can accomplish in life.

Q: Those are great lessons on life. How have you practiced them?

A: Yes, these are just some of the gems passed on by my parents to us as children. These values became gospel. I still live by these guidelines today. It helps when my core beliefs were reinforced by my military experience.

Q: Who did you watch or who was your role model as a kid?

A: Again, I am extremely fortunate to have a strong married mother and father in my life. Race was never a big issue in our home. We were raised in a manner and mindset to believe we will succeed in life based on the work and education we accomplished.

The fact that we are a black family was not going to be an excuse for failing or any failure we encountered.

Being black is not a crutch or a setback.

This was the overall mindset and tone in our home while I was young.

There were struggles but they did not define us.

Standing Out

Q: Then as a child did you ever feel you were different from others?

A: I do recall one moment in a Nevada elementary school where a bully called me a “nigger.” When I reported it to the yard monitor, she said, “that’s okay sugar, that’s what you are.” My Mom had my back and went to the school to “fix” this.

She also reassured me that I was not what I was called. She made sure I knew I was special and smart and that my skin color was beautiful and that I was beautiful.

Fear the Police

Q: As a child, were you taught to fear the police?

A: No. I was not taught that. Instead, I was taught police were a group of humans capable of making mistakes, being wrong and maybe even being corrupt.

Recent Headlines

Q: How do you feel about the George Floyd murder and the killing of many other black people in recent times?

A: The outrage for me would be the same no matter the victim’s race. Wrong is wrong. Evil is evil. Mr. Floyd’s murder was senseless. It’s a true testament of evil and one man imposing his will over another. The fact that Mr. Floyd was black intensified the officer’s wrongdoing.

Q: What is your overall opinion about police today?

A: I believe there are good and bad cops everywhere. I just hope there are more good than bad.

Q: What is your overall opinion on the “Black Lives Matter” movement?

A: I believe there is cause for a movement. At the same time, coining a phrase such as “Black Lives Matter” is a blanket statement, which should go without saying. I have mixed emotions on the subject. I’m wary of groups and movements that ‘represent’ me without my influence or my approval. If you say “Black Lives Matter” and I’m black does that already affiliate me with the movement? Right or wrong, I’m lumped in with whatever this movement is standing for. And, if I don’t approve, am I part of the problem?

The Movement will not allow one to stand on the fence or be silent on the subject. This is what makes it so uncomfortable for a lot of people.

Conversations are being had that normally wouldn’t happen. To me, this isn’t a bad thing. It’s only bad when either side can’t handle the hard truths coming from a hard conversation.

Q: Have you joined any protest rallies?

A: No. I’ve done Black Out Dates on Facebook to show my support for black owned businesses. I believe the only way to truly have freedom is to be economically independent by generating generational wealth and to vote.

Teaching White People

Q: How do you react to people saying, “I don’t see color.” Or, “I’m color blind” as a way to prove they aren’t racist?

A: I do see color. I see things for what they are and people for who they are. If you show me who you are, I tend to believe you and that can’t be changed or walked back.

Q: How do you describe or explain racism?

A: Simply put, it’s purely hate and ignorance.

Q: Let’s address the discomfort of white people during these times. Many don’t even know how to refer to you. Are you Black, Afro-American, Brown, a person of color? And, what is your best advice for whites interacting with blacks?

A: Calling me black is fine. I know I’m American and I fought for this country. I should just be American, but if there must be a label on behalf of my skin color, then let’s go with black.

Now, how to address so many uncomfortable white people interacting with blacks whom they’ve interacted with for years. I’d say just be a decent human being.

Respect the fact that awful things have happened to many groups of people and continue to happen today. I encourage openly listening to hardships explained by many people of color. 

Try hard to be empathetic and place yourself in their shoes, without your current resources.

It’s impossible but try anyway.

Q: You’re given a magic wand. What’s your one wish for race relations in the USA today?

A: I’d definitely wish for everyone to have the opportunity for economic growth with no regard to skin color or social background.

Raising a Black Son

Q: Nice. Let’s talk about raising your 12-year-old son in today’s culture. Do you fear for his life?

A: No. Not in the sense that he will do something wrong. I fear he could find himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, possibly with the wrong people.

Q: What fears do you think your son has?

A: I think he fears disappointing his parents. It’s not because he’s a young black man or anything to do with race. He wants to be successful and make something of his life.

Q: Describe an ideal world for your son.

A: It would be one allowing him to follow his dreams and encouraging his ambitions without breaking his will. It’d uplift and celebrate his blackness, not just tolerate the fact that he is not in the current majority. I hope he has the chance to showcase his greatness.

The Son Speaks

Then Jason’s 12-year-old son was asked:

Q: Are you afraid of being a young black man in South Carolina?

A: Yes! Because I don’t know how my future will be and if my children will be safe in today’s society.

Q: How can your Dad make you more comfortable about being a young black man?

A: Let me know not everyone in the world is racist against black people.

Q: What is the most important lesson your Dad has taught you so far?

A: Easy. Stay focused in school and pay attention in class.

Q: If a police officer stopped you, how would you feel?

A: I wouldn’t feel threatened. I know if I didn’t do anything wrong, no harm would come to me.

Q: What words would you put on the end of this sentence: I can’t wait for…

A: A new dirt bike and for COVID to be over.

Passing on Lessons Learned

Q: Your son shared the most important lesson you’ve taught him. What other lessons are you trying to teach?

A: I want to be clear that these lessons are the same for my daughters and my son. Okay?

  • You must work hard for what you want out of life. It can be twice as hard for you, if you let it.
  • Be smart. Make good choices.
  • Education is key. It can never be taken away from you.
  • Lead by example. Do what is right even when no one is looking.
  • Do the work you have to do now so you can do what you want later. Ownership is everything.
  • Never miss an opportunity to be more than what others expect you to be. Some may judge you based on the color of your skin. Be better than what is expected of you. I expect greatness.
  • This country has many advantages and opportunities but nothing is free. We do not take handouts, nor do we give them.
  • Be careful who you surround yourself with. You could become a target unwillingly. Perception is everything. Do not ever put yourself in a position where you are somebody’s fall guy.

Parents Made All the Difference

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A: Yes, I’m acutely aware that having both parents present in my life and traveling and seeing different parts of the world as a child were important factors in my young life and in shaping the man I am today.

I know many have not had the same opportunity.

The environment in which I grew up kept me close enough to see what could happen if I wasn’t careful and far enough to be isolated.

In the end, my parents made all the difference.

Share this story with others.

Let them learn to be great examples as parents and decent human beings.

©July 2020. Linda Leier Thomason All Rights Reserved.

Linda Leier Thomason writes freelance business and travel stories along with feature articles. Her work experience includes a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Read more about her background and qualifications by clicking on the “Meet Linda” tab above.

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5 Ways You Can Combat Loneliness for Aging Parents

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Stay Connected & Engaged

Isolation and loneliness are serious problems for older adults.

Sadly, 43% of people over 60 are reporting that they are suffering from loneliness. 

It may be due to

  • Loss of a spouse
  • Physical decline like decreased mobility, hearing and vision, resulting in loss of driving ability
  • Death of peers
  • Reluctance to make new friends
  • Limited social outings and interactions
  • Unfamiliarity with technology

Remaining in one’s home is often a goal but it can result in extreme social isolation. Even if caregivers stop-in to check on the aging person, life often lacks fun and excitement.

Geographically distant family members become overwhelmed with guilt and uncertainty of how to help combat the loneliness from afar.

It becomes worrisome when they hear aging relatives express enthusiasm about social connections in offshore countries and optimism about winning lotteries.

While contests and social media platforms can be fun, they can also cause multiple problems, especially if your loved one begins sending money to unscrupulous ‘connections’ from afar.

Loneliness is linked to disease and even death. Those who feel isolated and alone are sicker and often die sooner.

It’s important to build safe social networks, in person or digitally, at all ages, but especially for older adults living alone.

5 Tips

1. Stay in Touch Frequently & Regularly

Put yourself in their place. Imagine living alone and never speaking to or connecting with anyone other than a retail clerk or medical staffer.

Make it a point to call or visit regularly. Maybe you check-in with a phone call every day at a certain time or every Sunday, for instance, you meet for lunch. Your senior will look forward to each of these contacts.

Increase your contact volume and keep a regular schedule.

While you’re there in person, go through the mail.

Do you see anything that looks suspect, like phony offers of prizes from lotteries and sweepstakes or envelopes from foreign countries? If so, talk about this and remind them of the possible risks of these sorts of activities.

Remember, anytime you’re asked to send money to collect a prize, it’s not legitimate.

2. Introduce & Teach Technology

People of a certain age may not own or even use technology like those younger than them.

This doesn’t mean they don’t have the ability to learn.

Investing in a computer or tablet with a camera is a great way to help an aging relative feel connected.

Let the grandchild teach them how to use it, establishing a memorable bond.

Check out community education classes for seniors.

A whole new world can open up to an aging relative willing to learn how to use technology.

3. Attend Events Together

Few older adults want to learn a new craft or be pushed into an activity they never enjoyed or participated in while younger.

Instead, go down memory lane with them.

Ask what activities they fondly recall from day’s past. Maybe it’s the annual fall festival or the church fish fry, or even the Christmas concert at the elementary school. Whatever it is, make plans to attend together.

Be sure you get the tickets and make the travel arrangements so the event is worry-free for them.

4. Relive the Old Times

Make a date to sit with them a look through family scrapbooks, home movies and photo albums to relive memories. You may be amazed what new information you learn.

Or, pull out a favorite recipe to make together. Or find a card or board game and play it.

Let them take the lead and tell you what activity from their past brought them the greatest joy, and then do it together with patience.

Doing these beloved activities with grandchildren will only heighten the experience.

5. Community

Maybe your aging loved one was never a “joiner” but it doesn’t hurt to try and encourage them to participate in the many community events for senior citizens.

Get online and research availability and maybe even join them for an activity or two to ease the transition.

It’s proven that social interaction and activity extends one’s life span. This is a great, easy way to start them getting more social interaction.

© May 2020. Craft LifeStyle Management. All rights reserved.

Written by Linda Leier Thomason for Craft LifeStyle Management.

Denise Craft founded Craft LifeStyle Management in 1988 to ease the burden for families of the aging, veterans, and special needs adults during times of transition. She understands what’s involved in transitioning any individual from their personal home to their next home and to end of life. Her seasoned knowledge of available placement services, housing options, eligible benefits and payor sources, and community resources is endless. 

Please contact Denise Craft LifeStyle Management for all of your transitional needs.

Insider Tips from Dads on Father’s Day

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Father’s Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society. Click here to read about the history of Father’s Day.

Fathers are an important influence on a child life, no matter the age. Time is the greatest gift a father can give his child. Here’s the story of four outstanding fathers who share the joys of being a father every day, but especially on Father’s Day.

Darwyn & Jacob

“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”
– Harmon Killebrew
Darwyn leads his seven-year-old son Jacob by example in both his work and personal life, just as his father Leon did. He cares about role modeling a strong work ethic. “I want Jacob to know he can do many things if he’s determined, tries his hardest and pushes through adversity.”

Darwyn is self-employed and struggles with balancing work with the demands of a young family. “From my own dad, I learned that hard work does pay off in building a solid business for years to come. But, sometimes hard choices and sacrifices are required.”

Darwyn understands his son needs him to be there for him. So, he arranges his schedule to take him to athletic practices, play with him after work and go on hikes together. Jacob knows he matters to his dad; Darwyn follows through on his promises by showing up and telling him he loves him.

The two of them bond over sports and watching action movies. And, Jacob is always up for trying new things and giving them 100 percent. He’s taken up golf and baseball, often making his dad chase a long one down the street. He helps Darwyn fix things around the house “so we don’t have to buy new things every time something breaks.”

Jacob learns from his dad by watching him and spending time with him. He’s seeing how to treat others with respect, to own up to his mistakes and fix it for the next time and to be nice to his teammates on the baseball field, understanding everyone is there to learn the game.

The greatest lesson Jacob is learning from his dad, “Everything will fall into place if you know and serve the Lord.”

 Jim & Trenten

“The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.”
– Confucius
Jim values time with his 12-year-old son, Trenten. “I hope he now recognizes the amount of time we spent together and the priority he is in my life.” The two share hunting, travel and dogs in common. The specific interest gives them time together to enjoy it while also talking about school, sports and life. Jim especially likes traveling with Trenten. “It’s amazing what I can learn traveling 8-10 hours in a vehicle with him.”

Jim learned a lot from his grandpa who spent time fishing and talking about farming and school with him. “He passed away in 1986, but there are many times I wish Trenten was able to meet him.”

Trenten, who comes across as shy, is described as funny and smart by his dad. Jim’s now speaking to him about growing into a man. Trenten’s learning not to make promises he cannot keep. He’s been taught his word is the only thing in life no one can take away from him. Trenten has seen that by working hard things will fall into place. He knows the world does not owe him anything and that he is capable of doing anything he wants, if he sets his mind to it.

Jim, a banker, teaches Trenten about money. “I like to present him with options so he understands real costs. Everything is about choices. For instance, if he buys something, what is he not able to do since he spent his money.”

At this age, Jim urges Trenten to have fun and find something in life he’s passionate about. “He will spend the rest of his life working and worrying. I also encourage him to make friends with everyone. One never knows when someone you meet might be in a place to help you out one day.”

 Michael & Noah

“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.”
— Billy Graham, Christian Evangelist

Michael and seven-year-old Noah have rituals, like the donut shop. Every Saturday morning, they head out to eat donuts while talking and laughing. Usually they leave with some for the girls back home-mother and younger sister.

They have other notable rituals. Their daily drive to school starts with a prayer followed by a game of guessing what types of trucks will be in the gym parking lot as they drive by. They celebrate their appreciation of superheroes like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers with Friday night pizza and movie nights, mom and sister included.

Their shared enjoyment of music has them singing and dancing along to Christian Hip-Hop songs. They play catch football and shoot hoops and enjoy watching NFL games. Noah has attended a Nebraska Cornhuskers football game, his dad’s favorite team, but has started rooting for the Iowa Hawkeyes, to get under Michael’s skin.

Michael knows it’s during these shared activities and rituals that he will get honest feedback on what Noah is going through. Michael loves talking to his son. “Noah’s laugh and sense of humor are infectious.”

Michael wants Noah to know he works hard to be a great role model to him. Like his father, Bill, demonstrated, Michael wants to show Noah how to be a good husband by showing affection for his wife and doing nice things for her. “I let Noah be part of this process too. He has good insight and it’s a great teaching moment.”

Michael’s greatest wish for Noah is to know who he is and to love others as Christ loves us. He’s also teaching him:

  • We control how we react to situations.
  • There are consequences for choices made (good and bad).
  • It’s okay to fail, do your best.
  • Protect and lead your family.
  • God is the ultimate Superhero.

 Ken & Alex

“When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.”
– Jewish Proverb

Ken’s son, Alex, at age 22, is a young adult. Much of the way Ken parented was role modeled for him by his father, Lee, who was “an extremely kind and respectful man with a very strong work ethic. He was a leader who taught me how to overcome adversity and take responsibility for supporting my family.”

Ken strives hard to role model ‘integrity’ for Alex. “I want him to do things with honesty, the right way and live by the Golden Rule.” He wants nothing more for Alex than for him to be happy and to live a fulfilled life-on his terms.

“I want him to make the most of his life doing what he desires and knowing that he can, and more likely will, make adjustments along the way.” Ken also knows that if Alex chooses to be a husband and father, he will need to compromise and serve others to experience a fulfilled life.

Ken’s done his best to prepare Alex for adulthood by teaching him to:

  • Be accountable for his actions. Take responsibility and own it.
  • Be a good role model for others.
  • Be appreciative and thankful for the blessings he has in life. Much of what one attains in life comes through the help of others. Do not take people for granted and express your genuine gratitude. Be willing to give freely of oneself without an expectation of something in return.
  • Have fun. Life should be enjoyed. It is up to you to discover your own passion and create your own happiness.

Through the years, Ken and Alex have created a bond and enjoyed life through sports, household and yard projects and business ventures. They share an obsession with Louisville Cardinals team sports and watching sporting events on television and at games.

The two have painted many home interiors together and enhanced yards through landscaping. They have created and implemented business plans, some successfully, others not.  They’ve jointly discovered their passions, had fun and felt a sense of accomplishment.

Ken feels he’s raised a genuinely good and caring son who has a “great head on his shoulders and makes wise decisions.” He’s proud that Alex has “stayed out of trouble” and shown he knows the difference between right and wrong. “I feel confident Alex has an extremely bright future ahead of him, both personally and professionally. It has been fulfilling and rewarding to be Alex’s father. He has brought more joy into my life than I could have hoped for. He is an incredible son whom I love so much.”

  A Dad is

Respected because he gives his children leadership.
Appreciated because he gives his children care.
Valued because he gives his children time.
Loved because he gives his children the 1 thing they treasure most-himself.

Happy Father’s Day to fathers everywhere.

Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form below.

 

©Copyright. June 2017. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quotes That Stuck for a Lifetime

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Origin of “Were You Raised in a Barn?” Quote

I rushed through the laundry room to close the garage door. One of the men in our house habitually leaves the door open while unloading vehicles. The heater or air conditioner senses the rapid air change and comes on. This makes me crazy. Aloud I said, “Were you raised in a barn?” The question startled me. I hadn’t said that in decades. That quote was dormant in my brain. Funny how it just popped right out my mouth at that time.

I often heard it growing up in a North Dakota family of 11.  Leaving the door open in North Dakota is a big deal.  Sub-zero temperatures chill the house instantly; sometime snowflakes blow into the foyer. Asking “Were you raised in a barn?” makes a point, especially during winter months.

I began to wonder. What other sayings or quotes did I hear as a child that I’m  using today? I asked  Midwestern followers. The findings are below. I thank the many who shared.  I understood most quotes and also remembered hearing them as a kid.  Each brought a smile as I recalled memories associated with the quote.

Hope they do the same for you. Here’s what a follower called the quotes:

“Stupid Things My Parents Said That I Now Say”.

Child Rearing &  Development

    • rooster“A rooster is going to come poop on that lip!” Parents said when I was pouting.
    • “Don’t make me come back there.” When kids fighting in car.
    • “Right is Tight; Left is Loose”-when opening or closing something-mostly jars.
    • “People die in bed!” Said  if I was sleeping or napping too long.
    • Grandpa would grab me by the back of my neck and hair and say “Do you know how a rooster looks when he looks over a log?”
    • “If you had a brain, you’d be dangerous.”
    • “Hit the hay.” -Meant get to bed.
    • “Get the lead out!”-Meant hurry up.
    • “Cool Your jets.” -Meant slow down and be patient.
    • “You’d lose your ass if it wasn’t tied on.” I lost everything, always, but not that.
    • “Go ask your father.”
    • “Have you asked your mother?”
    • “Don’t let the sun shine up your keester”…as in get up and out of bed.
    • “Slow as molasses in January”-when not moving fast enough
    • “Don’t make me stop that car.”-Usually when we were fighting in the backseat.

Moms as a Teacher Quotes

    • Mom would say “Weight broke the wagon down.” She would use this when we would say, Wait, we aren’t ready to do X yet. I don’t know if that was a school teacher thing with the play on the spelling of Wait/Weight, or not?
    • “It’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.” –meant-look on the bright side it could be worse, I guess.
    • Mom would say, “to make it stretch” when adding macaroni to a hot dish to make the pound of meat go farther
    • “There is no sea to it, it’s all dry land.” Mom would say this to us when we would say, See. Again, it may have been a school teacher thing playing on the spelling of see/sea.
    • Mom used to say “You are a poet but don’t know it, but your feet show it – they are long fellows.” She would say this when we rhymed words.
    • “Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.” It makes no sense and I can’t think of when she would say that to us.

angelFaithful Quotes

    • “This too shall pass.”
    • “There, but for the Grace of God, go I.”
    • “It’s a sin!”
    • “Sweet Jesus Come to Mama!”
    • “May his soul rest in peace.”- every time we passed a hearse or cemetery.

Random Quotes

    • “Help yourself. If you go away hungry, it’s your own dang fault!”
    • “The almond is the king of nuts. ‘Almonds have it all! Therefore, they’re the king of nuts.”
    • “Were you born in a barn?”
    • “We look like a bunch of gypsies.” When taking the whole family out for a family drive
    • “Cracked a korny”- when telling a joke
    • “It was quite the shindig,” referencing a great celebration or party.
    • I remember Mom always yelling upstairs asking “What do we do with the hallway light?”  My usual response was “Leave it on so mom has something to complain about.” I think she meant, “turn it off.”
    •  “Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

11Preparing You for the Workplace Quotes

  • “Problem…solution.”
  • “A function of getting the right answer is asking the right question.”
  • “Haste makes waste.”
  • “Practice makes perfect.”
  • “Don’t let the grass grow under your feet.” Get out there and get to work.
  • “Wait 3 days before acting on major life decision.”
  • “Fail to Plan; Plan to Fail.”
  • “Keep your nose to the grindstone.”
  • “Simmer down”-meant settle down
  • “Calm, always be calm.”
  • “Practice 10 times before giving a presentation or speech.”
  • “Get on the stick!” -Meant hurry up.
  • “Do you think I’m made of money?”-when I asked for school trip money
  • “Finish up and call it good.”-when I obsessed about project perfection

Relationship Quotes

  • “You made your bed, you lie in it!”
  • “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.”
  • “Take care of each other”
  • “Think enough of yourself and others will think enough of you”
  • “Thanks for the visit.”  “Tenks for da wizit.” I still say it to this day after an especially pleasing chat. Then I tell them about my German-Russian grandpa. I just said it to my boss last week.
  • “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

000Fashion Quotes

  • “Like something out of VOGUE”-when someone looked beautiful or “like Aster’s plush horse” or the “cat’s meow.”
  • Boys get hair cut they were “going to get their ears lowered.”
  • “It fits like a glove” When trying on something for size.
  • “They’d even look good in a gunnysack”…when someone would look good in anything.

Bathroom Quotes

  • “Don’t eat too many prunes or you will get the trots.”-meaning diarrhea.
  • “Clean as a whistle” or “smell like a rose” when you got a bath
  • “A site for sore eyes”-when bathed
  • What did you think of supper? Ehhh, “It’ll make a turd.”
  • “Cut the cheese” when passing gas or “pull my finger” and the person would fart

All-Time Favorite Quote Learned While Living in the Deep South

give-me-some-good-loving“Give Me Some Good Lovin'”

To this day, my son dips his head and lets me kiss it.

Yup. I’m hoping this quote is the one that sticks and gets passed on.

 

 

What quotes or sayings do you remember from childhood? Add them below! Such great language memories.

 

©Copyright. December 2016. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

20 Lessons a Kid Taught Me

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

What Our Children Teach Us

20161127_111708-copyAlex celebrated his 22nd birthday on November 27th. He’s preparing to graduate from college on December 10, 2016.  It’s been a reflective and joyous time for our family.

The lessons  I shared when the following article was first published in 2001 remain relevant today. I’m a lifelong learner. It is phenomenal to be taught by my kid. It’s even better to look back and recall memories while learning from him.

Enjoy this post, perhaps recalling lessons learned while raising your kids.

In my 40 years of life, my six-year old son Alex has been my greatest teacher about life and on how to break old patterns, behaviors and habits. He’s taught me to have fun. I’ve laughed more. Life with him is less serious. I try to live in the moment. I want to capture the sensation of experiences, big and small with my kid.

20 Lessons My Kid Taught Me

Alex taught me it is more than okay, it is awakening to:
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  1. Run wildly in the rain pretending to score a touchdown on the wet lawn.

alex-in-red-paint

2.  Finger paint with polka music in the background.

3. Make up silly rhyming stories and giggle endlessly at one’s own creativity.

4. Build blanket forts and eat lunch underneath them.

5. Wrestle on the bed using self-titled moves, like the mashed potato masher and the rutabaga rumble.

6. Dance to The Beatles in the family room on a Friday night.

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7. Eat ice cream for breakfast and eggs for dinner.

8. Be completely open and honest and tell it like it’s felt.

alex-reading-2

 

 

 

 

9. Read books on the front porch with a flashlight.

10. Lie on the golf course in the dark and star gaze.

alex-at-beach-2

11. Build large cities, surrounded by volcanoes, instead of sand castles at the beach.

12. Ask why?

13. Say, “I’m really MAD at you!”

14. Thank God during nighttime prayers for the chocolate shake at bedtime.

15. Belly laugh at the priest’s jokes in church.

16. Wear clothes that don’t always match.

17. Lie on the floor, build corrals and play farm. Let the cows share a pen with the pigs and the chickens share with the horses.

18. Make up new rules for family board games.

19. Walk to the pond and feed the turtles and ducks hot dog buns.

alex-christmas-cookie-with-mom

 

 

 

 

20. Tell your parents, “I love you!” once a day.

Make a list of lessons you’re learning from your kids. If they’re still young, put the list away. Pull it out at one of life’s significant milestones, like graduation or a wedding. Did the lessons stick? Do your kids still follow their own teachings? It’s a great reminder of the joy of parenting. It also captures language and events that might have been forgotten.

Share this with others learning from their kids.

Copyright. November 2016.  Linda Leier Thomason.

All Rights Reserved

Version published Momscape.com 2001

 

Are You Raising A Brat? 10 Ways to Avoid It

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

A mom of two elementary school aged children reached out to me recently seeking guidance on raising good children. Her note ended by asking, “What is the secret to not raising a brat?” That’s a term I hadn’t heard in a while. I thought she must be doing a lot of things right already. She’s concerned about coaching her children to be good citizens. Few parents would have the courage to even consider asking this question.

parents-weekend-usd-2015-10-24-15-029She is right though. Our son, soon to graduate from the University of South Dakota’s (USD) Beacom School of Business, has never been a brat. He’s also an only child. Some would use that status alone to label him “a brat.” It doesn’t fit him. Never has.

I thought about this mom’s question for several days. I wondered if I was qualified to give parenting advice. I am a parent. I am also a child. I observe other parents and their interactions with their children. I listen to teachers and support staff describe child behavior in schools. I’ve read extensively about parenting. I decided I’m qualified to share how my husband, Ken, and I raised a son who has never been labelled a “brat.” Maybe our approach to parenting will guide her, and others, in raising their own good children.

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Raising a Brat

Parenting is not easy. We were hardly perfect. We understood our individual “being raised” experiences influenced our parenting Alex. We were in our 30s when he was born. Both our mothers stayed at home with their children. I was raised in a family of 11. Ken’s family had 4. Alex was born and raised in Charleston, South Carolina. All of this made us who we are as parents. Sorting through our 21 years, I consider these to be the  10 Ways Not to Raise a Brat:

  1. Choose the right partner. Parents who share similar parenting values and who support one another in terms of setting boundaries and household rules will more likely have better behaved children. The kids will know both parents will give the same answer and likely discipline in similar ways. There’s no pitting one parent against another.
  2. Thoughtfully consider when to become a parent. Life isn’t always planned. But, when one feels ready for the responsibility of parenthood alex-toddler-2-copyand welcomes the role, one will more likely cherish being a parent rather than resent it. You can’t take parenting back. It’s a lifetime commitment. Children need to be nurtured, not dropped into life to survive alone. Make the time for your children. Show them they matter and that you feel blessed to have them in your life. If you aren’t ready to do this, or simply can’t, consider whether you are ready to become a parent.
  3. Say “No” and mean it. It is always easier to give in than it is to say “no.” Parents need to stand by convictions. Kids are smart. They push limits. If you back down, your word is no longer good. You’ve shown you’re easily manipulated. Set limits and stick to them.
  4. Plan a Family Centered not Child Centered Life. It was, and is, our belief that a child should fit into one’s life not become the center of all’s life. As a simple example, I refused to remove breakable household objects when Alex was born. Instead, I taught him to respect these items and that there were consequences for not following through with that lesson. Of course, we latched cabinet doors with dangerous items. But removing breakables. Absolutely not.
  5. Place Higher Priority on Morals and Values Over Material Goods. My background taught me many lessons on being frugal and setting priorities. I role modeled these while raising Alex. For example, part of me wanted a designer nursery and designer clothing for him. The practical side of me, however, understood how little those items would be used in Alex’s lifetime. Instead, we started a 529 College Savings program and bought consignment furniture and clothing. We made trade-offs like this continually, placing greater emphasis on experiences than material goods and savings over spending. I helped him, when he was  a middle school student, create flyers to hand out to neighbors advertising his lawn mowing skills. He also paid us for the gas to support his early business. Of course, we could afford to pay for it. But where else do you learn that there are costs of doing business?
  6. Expect Good Behavior. Set the bar high. Despite what one sees in restaurants, church and other public places, it is not cute when a child acts out or is disrespectful. I wonder about a child’s future when I see parents allowing children to throw food in restaurants and then smile at adults who look at them wondering how they are allowing this to happen. It speaks volumes about the parents and their ability to guide their children to adulthood. How one’s children behave reflects parental values and maturity. We worked hard to make sure Alex behaved in public places so all there could enjoy the experience.
  7. Respect All, Always. Listen. Compromise. Ken and I continually stress the importance of ‘listening’ as a skill. We work hard to model that to Alex, even to this day. Following close behind that is compromise.

    Practicing listening skills
    Practicing listening skills

    Even as an only child, he was taught that he didn’t always get his way. Life doesn’t center around one person. It’s a give and take. Admittedly, this was sometimes challenging to teach because of his status. My thinking, as the only woman in our family of three, was that I was raising someone who may one day become a husband and father. These life lessons/skills are critical in those esteemed roles. Respect is another trait we value. Ken is especially good at role modeling equal respect for service workers and corporate executives. Referring to adults as Mr. and Miss, though some call this antiquated Southern etiquette, is applauded in our household. It’s an outward sign of respect. We value it.

  8. Work for What You Want. Ken and I differed on this concept often. Sticking to our parental core values on this topic was by far the hardest in raising Alex. I had to work for everything I’ve owned, even my education. We were in a position to offer Alex financial assistance with more than I received. He was very aware most of his peer group was given vehicles, allowances, vacations, spring break trips, etc. without working. At age 14 we required he get a part-time job. It taught time management, money management, work habits and how to get along with others in the workplace. I also knew it could teach him about how organizations were managed and places he’d like to work, or not work. I have no regrets about requiring he get a job. He’s had a job ever since. He’s also graduating debt free, which is to be celebrated.
  9. Appreciate What You Have and Receive. If you work for what you have, you appreciate it more. You have a better understanding of what it takes to get it and value it more too. Unfortunately, parts of South Carolina are quite poverty-stricken. Alex has seen those areas as well as been in third world countries. Our goal was to expose him to sites like this to develop an appreciation for what he has. Instilling the concept of appreciation and thanks has been drilled into him. He left home knowing a note of appreciation or thanks was expected when a gift or act of kindness was received. Not doing so would immediately stop future acts. It’s just that important in our house.
  10. Raise a Graceful Loser and a Humble Winner. I can still recall the feeling

    Graceful loser at state high school tournament
    Graceful loser at state high school tournament

    and sights of Alex’s first soccer match at age four. He scored every goal. The team won. No, he didn’t take his jersey off and wave it above his head as he circled the grassy field. Instead, after each goal, he mildly accepted congratulations from teammates and got back to the business of playing the game. I was breathless. That level of maturity and composure as a competitor escaped me. I played to win and to celebrate the win. That day I learned from him. I learned the value of how to become a humble winner and a graceful loser.

The Child Spoke

I suspect this young mother who asked me “What is the secret to not raising a brat?” would get different responses from anyone she asked the same question to. I was curious about how Alex would answer. I sent off a text. His reply, “Let consequences happen instead of intervening.” Enough said.

How would you answer the question? Comment below.

Linda Leier Thomason is a former CEO who writes freelance business and travel stories, along with feature articles. Her work experiences include a Fortune 500 corporation, federal government, entrepreneurship and small business. Find out more about Linda by clicking the “Meet Linda” tab above. Interested in working together? Complete this form below.

 

©Copyright. October 2016. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

Faith Tested by Birthing Trauma

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 1 Comment

boyBirth announcements bring joy and smiles to most. Families high five and hug, celebrating the newest addition. Almost instantly social media announces the good news. Well-deserved “congratulations” pour in.

Labor and delivery is a medical procedure, yet to most families it’s also a celebration.

However, not everyone experiences a healthy pregnancy or a normal delivery. Some barely make it out of the birthing process alive.

Kristin fought for survival during and after childbirth and now shares her remarkable story of trauma and faith. Be forewarned. It’s emotion-provoking.

Early Pregnancy Days

Kristin and husband Mitch decided to leave their family planning up to God who blessed them with a pregnancy within a month of trying. Their decision was not unusual, considering she’s the daughter of a pastor, so faith was always part of her life.

24 weeksKristin was scared when she learned she was pregnant. The fear of the unknown was quite real. But once the first 9 weeks of nausea, fatigue and morning sickness passed, she felt the excitement of growing their family and the anticipation of joining the world of motherhood. Fortunately, she had a completely normal pregnancy with no concerns. She used this time to read pregnancy and parenting books, completely understanding that there is no way to really plan for the way one’s life changes when a baby comes into your world. She and Mitch also attended labor and delivery classes to get information on the birth experience and what to expect when bringing their baby home. But no book, blog or class could’ve ever prepared them for what they experienced at week 33 and beyond.

Abdominal Pain & Ambulance Ride

Kristin went to the emergency room (ER) at 33 weeks with extreme abdominal pain.   After several tests, she was told she was experiencing pre-labor contractions and given a steroid to help the baby’s lung development, should he arrive early. After a night in the hospital, Kristin went home on modified bed rest and took Nifedipine, a high blood pressure medication.

The pain reappeared exactly one week later. This time though she also was lightheaded and faint; pain radiated up her chest and into her right shoulder. She knew something wasn’t right as she dozed on and off throughout the night. At dawn she awakened Mitch and asked for help to the restroom. When he saw her colorless face and that she could barely move, he immediately dialed 911.

Rushed to Operating Room

What happened next felt like an out-of-body experience to Kristin. “Like I was on the outside looking in.” She recalls being poked and prodded and hearing EMS workers discussing difficulty finding a vein or a pulse. She remembers the blaring firetruck and ambulance siren sounds as they made their way to the hospital. And, she remembers praying, “Dear God, please just let this baby be healthy.” Today she still recalls the look on Mitch’s face as the door of the cramped ambulance closed. He was scared.

A team of nurses greeted the ambulance and rushed Kristin inside desperately trying to find the baby’s heartbeat. She saw the fearful look on their faces and knew something was terribly wrong. After painfully rolling around on the exam table multiple times so the nurses could get a heartbeat, it was found beating at 30 beats per minute (bpm)-well below a normal baby’s heart rate of 100+ bpm.

The doctor, who’d taken good care of her in the ER the previous week and whom she trusted, rushed in and immediately directed the nurses to prep her for an emergency C-section. Again, Kristin felt like she was in a movie. “This wasn’t really happening to me, was it? This wasn’t in our birth plan! Where is Mitch? I can’t do this alone; I need him by my side to protect me.”

Kristin saw Mitch out of the corner of her eye being told to put on surgical scrubs. She grabbed for his hand while hurriedly being wheeled into the operating room (OR). Code Pink was paged overhead, meaning an emergency concerning an infant, including a medical complication or abduction, was happening. Mitch knew it was for them, and he was now forbidden from the OR.

Not Breathing

Their baby boy was born not breathing at 6:09 am on Sunday, March 4, 2012, weighing 4 pounds and 12 ounces and measuring 21 inches long. He was greeted by the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) staff and given CPR and a shot of epinephrine to get his heart going. His APGAR score was zero.

Kristin’s first memory after delivery was being surrounded by a team of fetal medicine doctors explaining to family what had happened and what HELLP syndrome was. She heard them say that her abdomen was full of blood when they took the baby out. Unable to find the source of blood, another incision was made up to her belly button where they found her ruptured liver-the source of her upper right quadrant pain. The only cure for HELLP syndrome is delivering the baby.

post birth mitchMom Holds Son-10 Days Later

Kristin spent 9 days in the hospital, two in ICU because of a risk of seizures. She was given several blood transfusions and there was concern her liver would rupture again. On day three she was transferred to another hospital better equipped to provide surgical services, if needed. Her baby remained in the NICU where he was born for 10 days on oxygen and with a feeding tube. The doctors were amazed at his speedy recovery and nicknamed him ‘Superman’. Later, he officially was named Owen William.

Because her body had gone through a tremendous amount of trauma, it was extremely difficult for Kristin to care for Owen. She was under medical care herself and unable to be physically present in the same room as her newborn, making breast-feeding impossible. She felt guilty about not being able to provide for her baby as originally hoped.

A great deal of scar tissue resulted from the emergency C-section and from digging around her abdomen trying to locate the source of her bleeding. Three months after Owen’s birth she was hospitalized again for small bowel obstruction. After a week’s hospitalization where the medical team hoped her body would heal itself, she had surgery again. “I remember holding Owen in the moments just before surgery and feeling scared I might not make it through.” She remained hospitalized another two weeks post-surgery. “I was devastated to be separated again from my then 3-month old son.”

The years of abdominal pain and bloating, fatigue and other physical ailments post birth don’t compare to the emotional toll the experience had on Kristin. “Being separated from Owen during the first hours and days of his life was devastating. When I switched hospitals, I remember feeling so anxious and worried about not bonding with him because I wasn’t able to hold him or even be in the same room as him. It was heartbreaking to me that others were able to hold and feed him before I did the first time at 10 days old.”

PTSD

Kristin exhibits symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Certain triggers cause flashbacks to Owen’s birth. Driving by his birthplace or hearing ambulance sirens cause a racing heart and emotional breakdown. Owen’s birthday, which should be reason for great joy and celebration, triggers flashbacks. Even the weeks before cause considerable anxiety. While she craves more detail about the moments leading up to Owen’s birth and the weeks thereafter, Mitch has repressed the memories. “In my mind, it was the hours and days I lived through that I don’t remember, and it’s difficult having those unknowns and questions.”

Because hers wasn’t a normal birth experience, Kristin often feels isolated and finds it hard to relate to other moms. Joining a group for stay-at-home moms was less than fulfilling. Mom talk about pregnancy, breast-feeding and  more children was hard to hear. When she shared her birthing journey, there was often dead silence in the room, making her feel awkward because no one knew how to react to a story they found super depressing, only causing her to feel more isolated. Being around pregnant women, baby showers, birth announcements and newborns is a struggle.

She saw a counselor post trauma and found it beneficial but still feels isolated when random triggers hit her. “I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand my thoughts or feelings when they haven’t gone through what I did.”

1 and Done, But Wait…

Kristin and Mitch will never experience pregnancy again. Blood tests after delivery discovered several blood clotting disorders, which automatically put her at a higher risk for miscarriage or birthing complications. All medical professionals have warned against another pregnancy, though it’s absolutely possible. “There is no way we would risk that now that we have Owen. The thought of him growing up without a mom makes me sick.”

Their early marriage family plan was disrupted but Spring 2016 finds them in the adoption process, which brings all great joy and hope.

Message to Pregnant Women & Obstetricians (OBs)

Kristin admits that even though she was academically prepared for pregnancy and childbirth, she was unprepared for their reality. Before pregnancy she was unaware of any type of clotting factors in her genetics. In fact, she was the healthiest she’d been in her entire life when she became pregnant. She tells pregnant women that no matter how much you plan; it may not go as planned. Additionally, she asks them to trust their bodies. If something doesn’t feel right, get it checked out. “If I had to do it over, I’d have listened to my body and gone to the ER sooner. But when it’s your first pregnancy and everything is new, you don’t know what is “normal” and what’s not.”

She advises OBs who have patients with HELLP syndrome to run a complete blood workup on them looking for blood clotting factors such as Factor V Leiden, MTHFR, or Lupus anticoagulant, which is what she has. She adds that patients with rare blood clotting disorders should be followed by a hematologist.

Faith & Family

This experience tested the faith of every member of Kristin and Mitch’s families, including them. In her unstable condition, Kristin “prayed without ceasing” and trusted that the God who allowed this to happen to her and their son would be the same God who would reveal His healing powers and get her out of it. Understandably, when she was re-hospitalized, she was angry at God. “For any Christ follower who’s gone through tough times, it’s a normal progression to question God and His goodness. For me, this was a necessary step to work through to get me to the place I am at today.”

Kristin hopes that their story will be used to bring others to know God. “Because the God that I serve is the same God who didn’t let me die; He kept me around for a reason.” Admittedly, Kristin doesn’t know the reason yet, but today she’s focused on finding that out and sharing her testimony with others. She counts herself in the group of people who need to “hit rock bottom” or be on the “brink of death” to let go of control and give it over to God.

family photo Mitch
Leah B Photography

Owen Today

Though there was concern about brain damage or developmental delays because he was without oxygen and not breathing at the time of birth, today Owen is a completely typical boy. He has one speed and that’s ‘full on’- always physically moving with a mind going a million miles a second. “We joke that it’s because of the steroid and epinephrine shot he received when he was born.”  No one would want him any other way.

Kristin & Mitch Today

They live differently today than before this birthing experience. Their faith was made real. Neither takes life for granted and each avoids fretting over little things. “Stupid arguments are just that-stupid.”

Kristin knows she’s a different mom than she may have been had she not had gone through all this. She owns her over-protectiveness of Owen and still struggles with feelings of guilt about her body putting him at risk. They’re both doing their finest to be the best parents they can be and to enjoy every moment while Owen still wants to “hang out with them.”

And, they cannot wait to see how God will use Owen.

Neither can we!

Click here for more information on  HELLP Syndrome.

  • H(Hemolysis, which is the breaking down of red blood cells)
  • EL (Elevated liver enzymes)
  • LP (Low platelet count)

How did you react to Kristin’s story and faith journey? When has your faith gotten real?

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WOWT TV Story Aired May 31, 2016 in Omaha, NE

 

©Copyright. April 2016. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Police Wives Cry Too

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ 1 Comment

officer down imagePolice Officer Jason Moszer died Thursday, February 11, 2016 after being shot while on duty. He started with the Fargo, North Dakota (ND) Police Department in November 2009, where he protected, served, and gave the ultimate sacrifice. His death is the first of a Fargo officer in more than 130 years. Sadly, he is one of 10 officers killed in the line of duty in the United States in the first month and a half of 2016.
Our sympathy and condolences to his family and fellow officers.

Jason’s family requests that donations in his memory be directed to Lifesource, 2225 West River Road North, Minneapolis, MN 55411.

At times like this our hearts, thoughts and prayers rightfully go out to all affected. But do you ever stop to think of police officer spouses and families on a daily basis? Do you wonder what their thoughts and fears are? Do you consider how they cope with the ever-changing culture of public servants? Maybe you should.

Two police wives-both married 30+ years and from the adjoining states of North and South Dakota-share their stories. Much gratitude to them, their officer spouses, and their respective families for decades of service and sacrifice.
To protect their identity and for their safety, they are referred to as Wife A and B.
Feel free to leave your words of appreciation and comments below.
Wife A
Early Days
I’ve been married to a law enforcement officer for 33 years. In 1982 he joined the Air Force and began his career as part of the Security Police. During his 10 years of service, he held multiple positions in different locales from Colorado Springs, Colorado to Turkey, where he secured a small base in Ankara. I remained stateside pregnant with our first child. During his 15 months in Turkey our first son was born and it literally took 6 months for him to meet his son through photographs-cell phones, video conferencing and texting didn’t exist then.
Family Threatened
August of 1985 we moved to Ellsworth Air Force Base (AFB), South Dakota. He had many changes at Ellsworth, as did our family. Our daughter was born. He was selected to work a special drug task force with OSI (Office of Special Investigation). Of course he was thrilled and I was apprehensive. Our son was 3 years old and our daughter was an infant. Much of the drug task force was undercover work so his appearance had to change-full beard, long hair. He certainly didn’t look military anymore. I think he was enjoying the uncivil look after spending several years in the Air Force. This was dangerous work and took him to the underworld of drug dealings on the Indian Reservations as well as motorcycle gangs. The hours were terrible. As you can imagine, it was not an 8-5 job. He continued this work for about 2 years until our family was threatened and he decided it was time to move on. Our next assignment took us to Hawaii. He spent about a year at Wheeler AFB as a Sergeant in charge of patrol units and then spent another year on Hickam AFB in the Investigation Unit, which would be similar to a detective in the civilian police departments. We left the Air Force in 1992 since our son passed away in 1991 and we made the decision to move closer to family.
Joined City Force
He started with a metropolitan police department in 1994, the same year our second son was born. Of course, being the new guy meant lousy hours and days off but by now we were used to it. Being a police officer means you sometimes give up family time and miss events like school concerts, sports, church with family, and birthdays and holidays. I’d done it for 10 years and learned to adjust to being alone, getting the kids to school/daycare, helping them with the homework, or maybe just trying to keep them quiet since dad was asleep during the day because he worked at night.
He has worked mostly patrol with a 5 year stint as a traffic investigator where he investigated hit and run accidents, serious and fatal crashes. This again meant call outs in the middle of the night and he itched to return to patrol. He’s been doing that ever since.
Changing Police Culture
Over the years there have been changes to police departments and to the public’s perception of them. New recruits are taught to be softer and kinder, which is a much different attitude from when my husband became a police officer. I remember when people had a healthy fear of the police, but they also respected the police. Sadly, I do not see that anymore. I also feel that getting a little too close or personal could put the officer at more risk. As a spouse, it makes me angry when I see people chant “death to the police” or spit on them, or when they are criticized for their actions. The general hatred for police is very disturbing and honestly, at times, keeps me awake at night. Police officers should be able to protect themselves without question. Now we have police officers being killed for hesitating and others being charged with murder. This makes no sense to me.
Worrying & Understanding
I learned early on that I couldn’t sit and worry while he was at work. We talk about the dangers of the job together as a family and we all understand the reality that something bad could happen. He has been hurt on the job, bit by humans (which included HIV testing) and dogs and while in the process of arresting a kid high on drugs almost lost his thumb in the ratchet of his handcuff. He was hit while in his police car by a drunk driver and now has a permanent back injury. Of course, there are many more bumps and bruises from fights and arrests. It upsets me even when I think of how some of the general public feels about our officers. They risk their life to protect us and this is how we treat them.
Time Numbs
Obviously, in this changing world, his safety is always on my mind. The sheer thought that police are targeted just because they are police officers makes me angry and hurt. Offenders and protesters have no idea what these officers go through each day and what they see. They have witnessed violence at the level some of us can’t even imagine- murders, rapes, suicides, mentally ill, and domestic abuse. They also might sit with any lonely, elderly person just to visit. The list is too long.
Overtime, I believe he’s become numb to the things he’s witnessed. Very little bothers him anymore. I believe if he became emotionally attached, the job would’ve eaten him up. Coping with the stress of the job becomes a family affair. He needs to be able to come home and talk about his days and, as a wife, I need to listen, even if it is unpleasant. Sharing his job with family helps all of us cope.
Children Affected
As the kids grew through different stages of their life, their attitude toward their dad’s job somewhat changed. In grade school they thought having a police officer as their dad was cool. In junior high and high school they were more appalled. He would always tell the kids, “I always know what you are doing.” They felt they couldn’t get away with anything. Now that they’re adults, they have more respect for their dad and for what he does. They understand the dangers; especially in today’s society, but they also know their dad is an experienced police officer and he is ready for all situations that arise. It gives me comfort and peace as well, knowing that even in a deadly situation he will always do the right thing. Our son has also considered a career in law enforcement. Advice from his veteran office dad is to get some real life experience first and then consider a law enforcement career. At 21, he’s much too immature for this very important community role.
Coping Skills & Friendships
Developing coping skills is an important part of being the spouse of a police officer. Friendships with other law enforcement families and spouses are important as these individuals know what we deal with on a daily basis. It is important to have the network.
Wife B
Educator to Officer
I married an educator 30 years ago who was offered a full time law enforcement officer job when teaching jobs were scarce. We were excited and naively never considered how dangerous the profession is. He soon loved his detention officer job; however, the shift work was a huge adjustment. We had a very active young son and together he and I had many outings to the park and zoo and visits to family members as my husband slept during the day so he could work safely at night.
Work opportunities came along and he became a patrol officer and earned various training certificates. Along with the change came more stress and fear for me. Will he get injured? Will he be safe? Will he be able to train new officers? Will the new officers be safe from his training?
Despite Variety, No Painless Law Enforcement Jobs
Thereafter, he was thrilled about an opportunity to join the dive rescue team. He loved the water and was excited to become a certified diver. All I could think of was that his job now entailed locating drowned individuals. Our sons loved the idea of him being on the dive rescue team and had to have their own snorkel and mask just like their dad. It certainly was not exciting for me to help him recover from the experience of finding a boy close to our son’s age. The drowning victim’s family was grateful that their son’s body was recovered but I was not grateful for having to help him deal with his own personal recovery.
It was exciting when he was offered a full time training officer opportunity. We were back to a Monday thru Friday schedule with an eight hour work day. Honestly, it was an adjustment for the boys and me to have their father around after 5pm and on weekends, but I had no more worrying about him taking calls in his patrol car.
I got to relax my fears and worries for a few years. Though he loved being a law enforcement instructor at a technical college, he missed the excitement and challenge of hands-on law enforcement. And now that our sons graduated and there was less activity in the household, once again, he was back on the road as a patrol officer.
We are older and hopefully wiser, but that does not make it easier to adjust to 12 hour shifts. We see how our city has grown and changed over the years; however, the changes became very real when he went back to being a patrol officer dealing with the activities that go on in the community. My worries, stress and fears greatly escalated as he began patrolling again.
As the grandchildren appear and the activities and events start up again, it’s not as easy to miss out on the special occasions. We are fortunate that another advancement opportunity appeared and he is back to Monday thru Friday with 8 hour a day.

Changing Times
Things have changed throughout my husband’s law enforcement career but a spouse’s worry for her husband and co-workers and their families never ends. I’ve had the stress of attending my husband’s co-worker’s funeral. Dealing with the reality that it could’ve been him never leaves my mind. As my husband starts his job as a supervisor in the detention center, my stress and worries don’t go away. They only change in the direction of inmates not cooperating.
Gory Details
When he came home from a long 12 hour shift, I would ask if it was busy and his usual response was, “No not really.” We rarely spoke details about the calls he answered. I really didn’t want to know the details as it would make me have to realize how dangerous his job really was. Sometimes I would overhear him talking to his friends about the exciting and interesting things (at least they thought they were) he had to deal with.
It’s not exciting to help him recover from finding a family that was murdered by their son. It’s not exciting to hear him toss and turn as he tries to sleep from a long day of stressful work. It’s not exciting to help him heal his sore body because of diving into a snow bank so he wasn’t run over by a car sliding on the ice.
Retirement Near, Can I Breathe?
It’s pretty clear that my husband’s law enforcement job won’t get less stressful; it seems to only increase as the years go on. My worries now come from seeing his aging body trying to make it through an 8 hour stressful day. It has me looking forward to his retirement. We deserve to enjoy some stress free years. I need to breathe.

All those in law enforcement deserve to breathe. Remember to thank those who serve and those who stand by them.

©Copyright. February 2016. Linda Leier Thomason

All Rights Reserved.

For more information and support log on to:

National Police Wives Association

Wives Behind the Badge

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